What the...?!

[zebrafish]

Hi folks,

 

I'm a 22 year old female student, and now it has been almost exactly 24 hours since I got the diagnosis. At this stage I still don't know which virus I have been given, but there is no doubt about it. Herpes. Luckily enough I was really quick about getting it checked up, which will hopefully save me a whole lot of trouble as they put me on medication within hours of the appearance of the bumps and lumps, but still... this has been the most awful experience of my life. Although I'm already starting to get somewhat used to the idea, working on rationalizing it in my mind, going through how to tell my partner about it (this forum has already been a great help in that respect), I am very upset. Yesterday, before my membership here had been confirmed, I wrote another version of this "I just got herpes" post. I poured all my feelings out, all my worry, sadness and disappointment, and although I'm already stepping away from that (at least trying), it is still how I feel about 90% of the time. As I'm just out of words (and tears) today, I'll copy it in below. Here goes:

 

Well, where to start?

I found out about my herpes only yesterday, so I'm not even sure about which type of virus I have got yet, and obviously I have had very little time to adjust to the whole thing. As my first outbreak seems to come with a high fever, I've been confined to bed (except from that panicked visit to the doctor), so I've had a lot of time to read up on the infection and cry my eyes out over the irony of it. I'm still in deep shock. I feel disgusting and scared. There are so many questions, and I was just too stunned to know what to ask the doctor about (she had no more than 10 minutes with me so there was not really the time). She also told me I really don't need to tell future partners about the condition, which to me sounds like a VERY dishonest way of dealing with it). And thinking of it, she didn't tell me anything about suppressants or options of any kind for after the 5 first days of antiviral medication. At all. Luckily enough I have an appointment with my regular practitioner the day after I stop taking the antivirals, so I'll take the opportunity to sort that out with her, but I think they could have handled the situation a lot better and now it makes me quite angry.

 

I think that I might have caught this from my wonderful boyfriend of 6 months last week (I'm not entirely sure but I believe that he sometimes gets cold sores) although I have yet to have "the talk" with him to be sure. I am so incredibly worried about his reaction. He is the most amazing guy, but he is young - we both are - and if he does not yet have it, why would he risk his health to be with me when there may be so many other opportunities with no (known) risk? I know he is really into me, but that doesn't meant he is ready to accept my condition. (I guess that if he has it himself, and gave it to me, that's a somewhat different story - and in a horrible way I am almost hoping that this is the case). I am really hoping to hold on to him for a long time, but now I'm all of a sudden very insecure about our future together.

 

I am also worried that I am forced into talking about the condition too soon. I am not at all okay with it yet, not by far. I have NOT accepted that I will have to live with the physical and mental consequences of this for the rest of my life. I'm very, very sad about it and every time I think of it I start crying again. Every time I read a line saying 'it will get better' or 'you are still lovable/fuckable/pretty/cute/you' I start crying again, because I just cannot believe in it. I will have to talk to him about that very soon, tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, to explain why I am hurting so badly, and to be honest with him because I care about him, but going into it with this mindset seems to be the worst possible thing, What if I project a negative reaction on him by being upset? I am fairly sure I'll not be able to stop myself from crying - especially in such a vulnerable position with so much possibly at stake.

 

I have a long history of struggling with my self image, and during the past years I have had to build up my self esteem from rock bottom. It has been a rough ride but I'm finally getting there - and now this happens, everything falls apart again in a timeframe of 10 minutes, and I just don't know if I am strong enough to deal with this self-loathing all over again. It already took up all of my teenage years - now it has crept into the supposedly best part of my young adult life as well, despite me being as sensible and careful as I knew how to.

 

It all just feels so unfair - I don't WANT to have to have 'the talk' with people. I don't WANT to 'keep my partner safe' (well of course I do, but not like this.. I don't want to be some kind of risk factor that has to be dealt with). Why did I have to be one of the unlucky carriers who actually know about their condition? Why couldn't I be one of the people living in ignorance forever, happily sharing it around without ever knowing and thus not have to deal with all of this emotional stress? It's really the last thing I need in the life situation I'm currently in.

 

I am so scared that my sex life will be horrible from now on. Will I ever be able to mentally 'let go' in the sack again, without being aware about the condition all the time? What if sex becomes less fun because I can't stop worrying about it?

 

So many questions and tears, and so little time to figure this and myself out before I have to deal with it.

 

It will take much more time to get it right, I suppose. I also realize how angry, frustrated and selfish this whole post sounds, but guys - it's early days. I've known about it for no time at all, so in a way I think it is okay to not be okay with it yet. I have read a lot of your stories and other forum threads already, and that has helped me to somewhat get to terms with parts of the condition. Thank you so much for creating and contributing to this forum - it has already been an incredible help, and you guys seems like such a nice bunch of people. I guess that even though I wish I'd never have had to get to know any of you (that is, given the circumstances that have brought us together), I'm sure that things are what they are, and it will be really nice to become more involved in this positive community. :)

[mr_hopp]

Ah, I have had all these feelings! And thank you for being so honest and transparent about your thoughts and dumping them all out on the page! Even though it's hard to hear that you're suffering and hurting, it feels relieving to hear you getting it out, sharing it. This is the way we process. This is the way we heal. To be honest with ourselves about what we're feeling. The tears are natural. The anger is natural. The confusion is natural. It's all part of the process that this is. You're okay. You will be okay.

 

Have you watched Ashley and my latest video called "Growing through the yuck"? It talks a lot about the place you are in now. Honor it. Be with yourself in it. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. It's all normal and natural. Treat yourself with compassion. Know that feelings will move. Emotions will move and pass and morph into new emotions.

http://herpeslife.com/growing-through-the-yuck-of-having-herpes/

 

Here are some other blog articles for you to read (yep, I'm giving you homework!). :)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-healing-process-the-5-stages

http://herpeslife.com/could-you-use-herpes-to-empower-your-life/

http://herpeslife.com/what-i-wish-i-knew-when-i-was-first-diagnosed-with-herpes

http://herpeslife.com/destroy-your-herpes-shame-and-embrace-your-imperfections

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-cure-shame-as-breadcrumbs-to-more-wholeness/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-help-one-magic-phrase/

http://herpeslife.com/less-herpes-shame-more-self-love/

http://herpeslife.com/your-awesomeness-overshadows-herpes/

http://herpeslife.com/brene-brown-authenticity-connection-vulnerability-shame-guilt-herpes/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-is-a-symptom-a-physical-manifestation-of-something-deeper/

[lelani]

I'm so glad you reached out here and had a good vent...we all need that when we are wrestling with so many thoughts and feelings. I remember this time like it was yesterday...18 months ago. I can promise you that you will not feel like you do now...someone we think that because we have this virus we will feel like this for as long as we have it - NOT TRUE!!!! Like Adrial says, you are processing it all and this takes time and a lot of emotional work. You don't feel well so your thoughts are darker anyway and there is so much to learn... you are not selfish in the slightest..you are doing what most of us have done and feeling what we have felt. You aren't alone.

 

Take a deep breath...know that "you are still lovable/fuckable/pretty/cute". Now is the time to start working on believing it...you had doubts before Herpes so its not new. We all have these doubts and its a journey to dispel them. It a journey that takes effort and yes you are vulnerable sometimes, sometimes you feel powerful, sometimes you want to hide and other times you want to shout from the rooftops. How you feel now will change and grow.

 

As for sex...I am with a non Herpes partner and its not horrible, it's wonderful. Yes we use condoms - that could be hassle but we are making it a game. He is totally supportive and we work on it together. Herpes has brought a sweet intimacy, we have to talk and check in with each other's feelings...it has actually been a plus. And I know, because of H, he truly loves me - that is the most amazing feeling and I love and respect him too because he has shown me what an amazing man he is.

 

When you talk to your boyfriend don't worry about doing it 'right'..just have the intention of loving him and having integrity. The fact you are thinking about it and caring about it says everything about what a good person you are. You cannot control his reaction but I have found if my intention is right the outcome is good (even if I have cried and not quite got it right!). I am sending huge hugs and good thougts. Keep us posted and know we are with you in spirit :-) xx

 

[zebrafish]

Thank you both for your kind words. I really needed someone to tell me that I will be okay, and hey - now I am! I am coming to terms with the whole thing now - quicker than I thought possible. I think that H has tought me that I am stronger than I thought. All that self-esteem building over the past few years must have worked, for already I feel almost as well as a week ago, and in some ways stronger. This episode has reminded me that I need to take care of myself and my health, and it has put other 'problems' in perspective. So in a way, it has been a gift, if maybe (let's face it) a very itchy gift. (Aaaaah so irritating!!)

Adrial, thank you so much for the homework! I have started to look through the articles, and I found that the article on using herpes to empower your life was very helpful for me at this stage. :)

lelani, thanks for sharing your experiences! I hope that this will be as positive a thing for my relationships as it has turned out to be for yours, and it feels good to know that it is okay to do it 'not quite right'. As it turns out, I started crying like a 5-year old, but that was okay. :)

 

I was listening to one of my favourite songs by U2 today, and re-discovered some of the lyrics that make a little bit extra sense now:

 

"Because Grace makes beauty

out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty

in everything

Grace finds goodness

in everything"

[lelani]

Honey I have cried too and more than once and yes its ok. And yes take care of yourself and yes you are stronger than you think :-). So lovely to know you are feeling better - you always have us for support here :-) x