I wish I could just date and not have sex.

[Animus1]

I know, sounds absurd but unlike a lot of people on this blog I cannot imagine a situation when someone who does not have HSV2 (like me, genital) would willingly have sex with someone who has it.

 

I have told one person and was sexually rejected, as expected. I accepted this without rancor and completely without surprise. We dated for awhile and then let it go because it was well, without future. Still "friends" but don't speak much.

 

I take antivirals and would use condoms of course but there is a nonzero chance I could infect someone and a cursory examination of the facts would confirm this by anyone so why would people risk it? I honestly think they would be crazy to have sex with me

 

I date women and inevitably have to end the relationship as it gets sexual, often they are hurt because they don't understand why I'm rejecting them.

 

The only person I could imagine disclosing to would be someone that absolutely knows no one I know. I don't believe there is much of a chance they wouldn't blab and that would essentially be the end of life I think. Am I being dramatic? Perhaps, but that's the way I feel.

 

I would really, really just like to meet people with HSV2 - then there would be no issues but is absolutely so hard to do so. None of the apps are populated. I'm currently dating a girl who is based in another country. Really like her, but she could have anyone.

 

I honestly don't want to tell her because I really enjoy her company but I know when I do it will be over. However, it's getting very awkward not having sex. I suppose I should just get it over with.

 

Honestly I'd be fine never having sex and just dating. Impossible though, it just doesn't work that way. I am depressed

 

 

[jl13]

I felt the exact same way you did when I was first diagnosed. I couldn't imagine anyone wanting to take the risk. It took me a while to even want to start dating again. I have been lucky and disclosed to two guys without rejection. The first one I knew wasn't going to turn into a relationship, so I didn't have much attached to the situation besides not wanting him to judge me since we did have a history. He was ok with it and we slept together a handful more of times. The other guy I was much more nervous to tell because I had feelings for him. He was also ok with it. I did wait like 2 months to tell him. We've been seeing each other for a few months now and he's never brought it up.

 

I also pushed people away that were interested in me that I had mutual friends with bc I didn't want to risk them telling people. So I get that. I don't think it's dramatic haha but hey, maybe I'm dramatic too! :)

 

The moral of the story is, one rejection won't dictate the future. I was SURE both guys would be like uh no thanks, you can leave. I had all of the same thoughts you had. I tried the dating apps for people with HSV 2, but found there wasn't much out there. So it can happen, even though it feels like it won't!

[Bambina3]

There are success stories on this site you should read for inspiration...I will admit, I also think like you...I wouldn't date me either knowing I had this...but the majority out there do not think that way. A lot view this as no big deal and eventually you will meet the right person who thinks like this

Hugs.

[Animus1]

I thank you for your responses and honestly I have taken heart from the stories (although still can't believe them!)

 

I am far less concerned about rejection than people finding out. I actually don't mind the rejection but I just bear the thought of people finding out.

 

@jl13 i know what you mean - I recently divorced (not because of HSV) and all my friends want to set me up. Often the people they want me to meet are really wonderful people but I can't risk it. I give them the "oh I'm just not ready"

 

Well, circumstances are going to force me to disclose in the next 3 weeks with this wonderful girl I'm seeing or so I'll let you know how it goes.

 

[HikingGirl]

Hi @Animus1. I used to feel exactly like you do now. I divorced two years ago, and also had to fend off all the people wanting to set me up on dates. So annoying!

 

I feel like a different person today than when I was diagnosed 18 months ago (different in a good way). For me, in hindsight, I could never conceive of someone else being okay with my status until *I* was okay with my status. I think we all have parts of ourselves that we'd rather not show to other people. That may include herpes or it may be something completely different. Being vulnerable can be really scary. I've been working my ass off to develop the self-love and self-acceptance I have today, and it has made all the difference. Because now I feel like a relationship would be the icing on the cake of an awesome life....not the whole cake. Today, if someone rejects me because of herpes, or if someone breaks a confidence and tells other people I have herpes, oh well. Why? Because no matter what happens, I know I'll be okay.

 

No matter what happens with the disclosure in a few weeks, *you are enough*, exactly as you are right now. And you are worthy of love and belonging. {{hugs}}

 

[Animus1]

You are so kind. I will be havinng that talk next Tuesday almost certainly (circumstances will dictate it). I hope it goes well.

 

 

[hippyherpy]

What you say about all people not wanting to date HSV2 is completely untrue.

 

The reality is that many people do. Most people don't even know that they are because their partner doesn't manifest symptoms. That's how harmless this thing is. If it were really a "threat" they'd quarantine all the people who have it.

 

Not only that, but I can tell you from first hand experience of raw fucking a lot of girls after disclosing (yes, you read that right) that herpes is the most over hyped nothing in the world. I'm not the only one who has had partners agree to this kind of thing. I know married couples where one person has herpes and they fuck raw because they don't care about herpes.

 

You can choose to make a big deal about it and spread the stigma, or you can recognize the reality. Disclose because, at the very least, it's the legal thing to do, and you can use it as an oppportunity to connect deeper with your partner or screen them out if they can't handle it. Big time saver for anyone looking for a long term relationship.

 

 

[Jessieandjuice]

@Animus1 Ten years ago I knowingly dated someone with oral HSV1. It's almost impossible not to. We called them cold sores, but now I know better. He was worth it and I don't regret it! In fact, i only regret ending it. ☹️It wasn't H related. I was only 23 and not ready for marriage. Anyways, if you really like this girl or any other girl and want a long term relationship- gather your facts!!! Show her the statistics on viral shedding and transmission w/condoms and antivirals combined. Explain your prodrome symptoms. Let her know that you've done your research- tell her NOT to shave or wax right before you two are intimate..or if she should decide to be intimate and unprotected with anyone else, for that matter. I think it's also important to admit that even if you guys do everything right- there's no guarantees. This will prove to her that you value her health and that you're a decent, honest, mature and responsible person! That goes a looooong way. I think disclosure is also a confident move. And if she doesn't want to risk it? It's not the end of the world. It really isn't. Someone else will see the bigger picture and not fixate on the H.

[It_doesnt_define_us]

Bro , I know it feels like that , honestly in the last 2 weeks ( since I found out , still waiting on confirmation) I thought well there goes my sex life , the girl who possibly gave it to me left me, I was like well this sucks . There's a chance she is clean she hasn't been tested yet but I know for sure she had hsv1 so there's a chance she gave it to me genitally. Anyways I was taking to this woman I used to have casual sex , she knows of my situation cuz I had to tell her to get tested , she came up clean . So we were talking I was telling her about this other girl leaving me and what not , then I was like I bet you want none of it now ( me, sex) and then she said something that lift my spirit she said : I would still let you f the s out of me you just gotta wear a condom now. Long story short some people is more mature about it than others but even when I get rejected I will remember that that's a choice they are free to choose and it doesn't reflect on me or my value as a human being. Still waiting on my type specific confirmation hoping for good news . Good luck man and please cheer up .