First Rejection (ouch) - told too soon

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

Just got my first rejection this morning, and, well, it sucks. It's not even a guy I would like very much - from our first date, I got the sense that he was a bit selfish, maybe a little too rigid, and had a decent ego. But, he likes festivals, had a great sense of humor, was nerdy but cool and very attractive.

 

I disclosed after a long party during our second date (both dates lasted over 5 hours each) when the topic of condoms came up (he was sharing a story that a friend had gotten someone pregnant, and he was going through the list of reasons why one should use a condom). I took that as an opportunity to say "speaking of condoms...I do have something to share." He said he wanted to do more research, which I thought was a totally fair response. We stayed til the sunrise and then went back to his place, where we slept, cuddled and made out (no sex, I even refused him a few times).

 

On Monday, he was totally radio silent. I had a feeling that something was up, and wondered if maybe that could be it. Sure enough, this morning woke up to a text telling me that he didn't want to be romantic with me, and after doing some reading he'd have to "hold back too much" sexually.

 

I asked him if maybe I'd told him too soon - I tend to be a "quick draw" and just want to get it over with. He said possibly - that maybe if he'd known me a bit more, and wanted to be with me in a more real way, that he would have seen the risk differently. I just find a really fine line between getting to know someone and then feeling like I'm leading them on. Two dates was way too soon, though.

 

(THAT SAID - I already felt some deep red flags on our dates - the biggest was how he treated his dogs. When I went back to his place, I discovered that he never took his two maltese dogs for a walk - literally, they stayed in his apartment for at least a week using pee pads before they would sometimes see the light of day.

 

I tried to wrap my brain around how someone could have a dog and treat it like that, and I really couldn't. I'm not sure why I was trying to ignore something so fundamental to me - so maybe this is herpes being my wingwoman)

[HikingGirl]

Thanks for sharing your experience, @NothingGoodGetsAway. Since I'm not dating at the moment and haven't disclosed to anyone but my ex-husband and a guy I was seeing at the time I was diagnosed, I'm always fascinated by disclosure stories. I'm not sure whether "I'm sorry" (rejection sucks) or "congratulations!" (those poor dogs!) is appropriate here, but you know what I mean. :) Either way, I really admire that you put yourself out there.

 

And who knows if waiting would have done any good, right? I once heard someone say that rejection just means the relationship was never going to be a good fit, and the other person just realized it first. I've always liked that perspective.

 

I can't remember if I've shared this quote on here before, but your post made me think of it, so forgive me if I'm repeating myself:

 

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood ... who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly...". -Theodore Roosevelt

[MilaR]

I'm not sure if there is a right time to disclose, but I do there is wrong time such as when clothes are coming off or after sex has taken place. From everything I have read disclosure should occur when the relationship turns towards intimacy. I dated a guy for a month and began being physical, hugs and kisses. Definitely moving towards more. So I then felt I needed to tell him. He was ok with it intially. We went on a few more dates after that but then he broke it off. I sometimes wished I had waited longer but I dont know that would have a difference because he did genuinely like me. Disclosures suck. I lost a great guy because I have herpes. Im pretty sure he doesn't test women he dates and he has

never been tested. But because I know my status he didnt want to

be with me.

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

Thank you @hikinggirl - I really love that quote. And the only thing I can say in this situation is boy did I come out of this a fighter. He said "I have a ton of respect for how you were candid and open about it." I think he meant it, but deep in his heart I'm not sure he was ready for someone with my level of confidence and poise. After all, he's a 36 year old man that lives in essentially a college dorm room and still parties til 6am every weekend.

@milar I'm sorry you lost a someone that you really liked. I think it seems like you lost a "good" guy if he's going to talk out of both sides of his mouth like that. Good luck to him because he's got a better chance of getting it out in the wild unknown than he did with you.

 

And for the record...I'm currently planning a reunion with a brit I met/slept with while traveling in Asia. So it's just proof that some guys will care, and some guys just won't.

[Mias]

So very scared about disclosing. I have only dated one other guy since I was diagnosed. And we had sex with out having sex if you know what I mean. It has taken me a long time not to feel dirty about this. And he just made me feel dirty

I am seeing someone else now and we are starting to move towards intimacy and I'm scarred to death to tell him. But I feel if he is going to leave it's probably best to tell him in the beginning. I'm starting to have feelings and Iim afraid of getting to close

Its so crazy all of this stuff

I feel like this big H is like having a way to say maybe I just have to find the right guy the one who is really going to care about me

Still really scared