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I just want to die because of herpes


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Well, I'm going to make this a short post because it's my bday party today. Yesterday was the worst bday ever. I had sex with someone on Sunday, and I never told anyone I have H. I've had unprotected sex before, but nothing ever happened. I know it's horrible but I can't accept someone rejecting me because of it. I really like this guy and I already put his health at risk, I'm going to avoid seeing him for a while... I know if I tell him he will hate me and I will never get to see him again. We know all the same people--I can't have everyone find out. I hate myself right now and have been living with H for 5 years. It wouldn't really matter except I got the worst outbreak ever after our "session." It's Friday now and still as horrible and uncomfortable as ever. I stay in bed and can't even exercise, it is so painful and uncomfortable. I'm using the antiviral cream and taking Valtrex but it doesn't seem to be helping. I can't even function normally and people are going to be coming to my party and wondering what is wrong with me. Yesterday I found this site, yesterday and today I've been thinking about suicide. I wanted to kill myself even before I found out I had this. I feel like no one else has this, I don't know anyone who does, but I guess no one wants to admit to having it. People that I have heard of don't tell anyone, including their partners, and have unprotected sex anyway because they can't face the fear of saying anything. That's like me. It feels horrible to know you are a bad person, but feel powerless to change it. I can't just go without companionship or sex. That in itself would be too much to bear, so I might as well kill myself. I feel no one will accept me. Once people find out, I will be a leper for life. I feel disgusting and I hate myself. I don't know how I am going to get through this. I missed work because it hurts to walk. How can I continue to live like this or convince myself life is worth it anymore? I cried yesterday and thought about jumping off a building. If I don't find anyone else who has this in real life, I am going to kill myself. I don't know how I can go on any longer, how can I tell this guy? He will run away and I know it. Shame will overcome my life as everyone finds out and brands me a slut. I will be alone...forever.

 

Sorry for all this guys I just can't hold back how awful I feel anymore. I can't talk to anyone about this and no one knows except my parents, we don't talk about it. The only reason they know is because my first outbreak was so bad I had to be hospitalized and given IV Morphine. I could have died. How can I live going on thinking I might be giving people this disease? But then again, isn't that what other people do? I would have never had sex with this guy if he told me. I assume it's the same for everyone who has HSV. I seriously just want to die right now. What reason is there for living now?

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Hello effemmell,

First of all, Happy Birthday. Second, don't kill yourself. Five years is a long time to deal with HSV, but people have done it longer. I know women with herpes that have beautiful families, are educated, honest, and happy in their lives. No, it is not right to have unprotected sex with someone once you know you have this disease, that is what happened to so many people on and off this site. Not only to stop the spread of HSV, but also other STD's and unplanned pregnancy as well. I have disclosed my HSV information only to people that I plan on becoming intimate with and some family and friends. Anyone who will label you a "slut", is not your friend and you don't need them in your life. Regardless of your HSV status. Also, a thought, if you had an outbreak after you had unprotected sex, the man you had sex with may have herpes also. The thing is, you are afraid of being judged, but you judge yourself. How would you know who else maybe suffering on the inside as well, if you don't open up and be truthful. I am not telling you how to live your life, but when you stop judging yourself, others will see that in you. Your friends and family will still love you and the man that loves you to begin with, will still love you after.

 

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effemmell. First sweetheart, breathe. Stop. Deep breath. Breathe. Don't make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings. I totally get where you are coming from but you are getting yourself into a tizzy and you are going down the rabbit hole. Stop. Herpes is a skin condition. No one jumped off a bridge because of a cold sore and this is no different. I know it feels different, but it's not.

 

Now, first of all, the world will not treat you like a leper. Trust me. I have herpes. I have told half the free world. I will be on You Tube in a few days talking about it and the leper police have not come to my door. There are a ton of people who have herpes who function and have relationships and marriages and partners. I am divorced and the last two people I told were like "big deal. It's a skin condition". I can tell you, if YOU are freaked out about it and judgmental, then you are going to communicate that to whomever you are talking to. I was where you are at at the beginning. I thought if I told anyone, I would never have sex again and I would be celibate for the rest of my life. I was wrong. I have learned that having herpes is an opportunity in a relationship to be open and transparent and it slows things down so you can actually make better decisions. I have also learned that by having to have "the Talk" I create a space for open communication about sex, what he may have, what I have, our attitudes towards sex, our experience, what we want, don't want, what it means to us, etc. By revealing that you have herpes, you show your partner that (a) you value their health, (b) you trust them, © you are interested enough in them to move this relationship to the next level. It slows things down so it's not a casual fling. As an added bonus for you, you know that he is with you because he genuinely likes you and you are not just another notch on his belt. He will not forget you and he will most likely respect you more for your honesty, your integrity and your openess. I have had men comment on how they have never had those kinds of open conversations about sex before and how much they liked it. They said their past partners never wanted to even talk about sex. So right there, you stand out in a positive way.

 

Don't beat yourself up about this. Take some time to heal and get better. If you are freaked out, it only makes the outbreak worse. Once you have yourself feeling better, then you can look at this situation in a different light and see how you could handle it or could have handled it differently. We are all here to love, accept and support you. Reach out to us and check out some of the other posts. You are absolutely not alone in what you are going through. There have been many people who, like you, just couldn't bear the chance of being rejected so they didn't tell and then felt horrible after having unprotected sex with someone. Adrial, I am sure, can probably find some posts for you to read along those lines. You will see there is a different way of looking at this and that you are not alone.

 

Love yourself my sweet as we love you and know you will get through this. You are too beautiful of a spirit to risk your safety. If you need support, reach out to those who love you. It is a gift to others to allow them to help you in your time of need and despair.

 

Tons of Hugs coming your way!

 

Brenda xoxo

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I'm sending you love too effemmell...and despite how you are feeling today is a happy day...you are here, you are loved and this year is going to change you in amazing ways you that right now you cannot imagine, but if you change the way you are looking at this it will.

 

I want you to think about the gifts you can give yourself today...no one is going to give them to you until you give them to yourself. And they the most precious of gifts.

 

1. Acceptance - you are judging yourself more than anyone else will.

2. Compassion - for the mistake of not disclosing, we all make mistakes.

3. Integrity - live your truth and feel strong about the beauty of honesty.

4. Love - for you, for the scared little girl who just wants to be understood and accepted.

 

I totally reinforce what Brenda and Abbey have said...and you are worth more than a skin condition. You are human and make mistakes like the rest of us. You want things to be better like we all do...

 

And they can...its a matter of reframing your thoughts, getting support (so glad you reached out here :-) ) and having faith that Herpes will not stop you from having a wonderful relationship or great sex.

 

I am like Brenda and have told a lot of people andI have told men who don't think it's a big deal (not easy to do admittedly but it gets easier the more loving and accepting your are of yourself). Your bodies reaction to Herpes is totally related to your thoughts and how you treat yourself...so its time to get super healthy - eat well and exercise, do things you love and only have people in your life who make you feel loved, start changing your thoughts (it takes practice but negative thoughts just bring you more negative stuff - change these and like a mirror life sends good stuff back, but it needs constant practice)..and finally stop and breathe....look at yourself in the mirror and celebrate today and the day you actively start loving yourself.

 

You are not a leper or slut...you are someone like the rest of us who has a skin condition we beat ourselves up over. And you have the power to become a light for others...and by opening up you give them the gift of being able to love you...helping you helps them grow in love and become better people too.

 

So feel the hugs around you from us and celebrate today...it's a beginning for you honey. I am sending you so much love and strength. xx

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Thank you so much my lovelies... I am crying now because I am so sad an horrified about this condition. I forgot about it for years and totally blocked it out of my mind, thankfully no one got infected but I usually used protection, and didn't even think it would be a possibility to disclose. The ex who gave this to me never said anything. I contacted one of his exes online, I wanted to see if she had it too, but she doesn't, and had unprotected sex with him many times. I feel like it's so unfair--she was tested and came out clean, she doesn't believe me when I tell her he has STDs. It hurts to know that because I thought at least his exes could offer me support, but apparently I'm the only unlucky one who seems to have contracted it :( Your support means the world--I havn't even been able to tell my own counsellor. I feel horribly alone and wish I could find someone in real life who understands. I know suicide isn't the answer, but I already have severe depression. Sometimes I think I can get through this. I don't know how I could tell him I have herpes now after I've already pout his life at risk! I think I'd maybe best not see him for a while or run to the hills so I don't have to ever disclose.

 

I use sex as a way to feel wanted, and I do have sex with people where we don't really care about eachother on a deeper level. Is this my punishment for wanting to have casual sex? Surely I am not the only one. Although then again I've had a problem with needing to be in a relationship or be sexually intimate with others. I feel my own insecurities and self-esteem issues led me to this beast. I'm still having an outbreak and it feels horrible. I can't concentrate on anything else but horrible pain and itching, I can't go out with friends like a normal girl in her early 20s.

 

But I saw a video today... it was talking about how all things in life are there to teach us lessons. I knew it was a bad idea to hook up with this guy because I am in early sobriety, and we are not going to be in a committed relationship, it's more based on sex, which is technically "wrong", but I did it anyway because I felt empty and alone. I know its selfish, but sometimes I'm not a good person. I can't stand feeling alone. I need to feel like there's a reason why I got this and other girls didn't. I got it at age 17 and it was the hardest thing of my life. I see such beautiful girls like you that inspire me. You don't even know how much you've brightened my day. I just want to say thanks, and I think I'll be posting a lot more because I'm having such a rough time right now. Other people want to help me, but I don't want to tell them what the problem is.

 

I guess life is saying to me that I need to look within myself instead of using sex as a way to feel wanted. It's telling me to love myself, regardless of who wants me sexually. It's telling me that love is my relationship to myself and the Universe, the only thing eternal. It's interesting how crisis can bring us to the brink of spiritual growth. I need to see it this way, or die. It's a harsh reality, but it's the truth. I'm not allowed to run from myself anymore by seeking approval through my attractiveness or having sex for "fun". It might make me more disciplined, but god damn this is hard. Then again, I also heard that life will not give you anything you can't handle. Right girls?

 

So much love goes out to you lovely ladies, I don't know where I'd be without the support,

Effemmell

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Right honey....your last paragraph is the truth...it's your truth and you can claim it now. It's when we are broken we put things back together...there may be cracks but they heal over and there is such beauty in someone who has been broken and healed. The light catches the cracks and glitters.

 

And actually you have already died...as soon as you wrote that last paragraph you let go of the hold Herpes has on you. The old you is falling away. Stay in touch with us...stay sober...eat well, think about how you can help others who are feeling the same way....and imagine yourself shining :-).

 

I will be so happy the day you can tell someone...it means you are allowing others to love you...which means you are starting to love yourself too :-) xxx

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Oh Lelani, you are such a beautiful person. You really put so much love into your posts and believe me, it's making a world of difference. I can just feel the positivity and I know this community will help me to be positive. I hope I can find the way out of this and maybe one day I will meet someone with H and be able to help them. I hope I can get rid of this compulsion to have sex so I can concentrate on more important things in life. Maybe it's time to look to positivity for a better and more worthy goal.

 

I keep wondering when is the day I will be able to tell someone--I was looking for support groups around my area. The day I tell someone I will just want to cry while they hold me... I have been suppressing this for so long, pretending it doesn't exist, and hiding in shame. The trauma from that hospital was absolutely unreal. I need to find a way to get this out, otherwise I will never heal.

 

Thank you so much for your support. I hope one day I will be able to put myself out there and tell someone the truth--and know that it doesn't make me any less of a person, only a stronger one. I need to find a way to let others love me, herpes or not. In some ways I just want to tell everyone and let the ones stay who really love me--that's how it should really be. And then go without sex for years if I have to--I don't need anyone to make me feel validated in that way, I'm still a loved person. These are the things I want to achieve in my life. I do value honesty so much, and it hurts to know I'm a liar, it makes me feel so manipulative, and creates anger in me because I am becoming that person who gave this to me.

 

But, someday, I pray I will have the strength to be an honest person again, this really tests my honesty to the limit, I couldn't think of anything else so difficult.

 

Love,

Effemmell

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effemmel, I get where you are coming from on using sex as a way to feel better, to feel wanted, validated, to feel like the only thing you have to offer that anyone would want is sex. I have been there and still struggle with it. I used to go from one relationship to the next, using the new relationship as a way to shut off the feelings from the last failed relationship. I have self-abandoned in so many way, I am ashamed to admit it. However, I can tell you that herpes has honestly been my savior. I have finally, for the first time in my adult like, taken the time to actually be on my own, to heal, to set boundaries, and to stop self-abandoning when it comes to men and sex. It hasn't been an easy road effemmel, but it has been one that has lead me to myself. I am still learning but I can now be in a relationship and not completely lose my mind and let my heart and my neediness for approval to run the show. I can take the time to really get to know someone and evaluate whether this person is actually good for me and, if he's not, to have the courage to walk away and not need to replace him immediately with someone else. I can sit with my feelings and I can take care of that scared little girl inside me. I get the sense that you are also on that same journey and I honor you for your courage to take that first step. You are reaching out to us, you are starting to honor yourself. You are not going to be perfect everytime. You will make mistakes. There will be lessons you thought you learned and then find yourself making the same mistakes or choices over again. Don't beat yourself up. The first step is the realization of what is happening. Once you have the realization, you can start to do something about it. There are all sorts of great resources, online courses, and forums out there. If you trust your counsellor, tell him or her you have herpes. Once you put it out there, honestly, it's not that bad. It's like the boogie monster under the bed. If you sit on your bed with our covers pulled up over your head, he seems enormous but the second you turn the light on and check to find nothing but dust bunnies, you realize it was no big deal.

 

Keep reaching out my dear and be kind to yourself. None of us have this thing called life figured out. There are no manuals. You are doing the very best you can with what you know right now. As you grow and learn, you will make different choices. I am so happy for you that you are on the path to healing!! Keep us posted on your progress and reach out when you stumble. We are here to catch you.

 

Much love,

 

Brenda xo

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Hi Effemmell! Wow, I just read through all these posts and it's incredible to me how much shifting you've already done! You go girl! You're already digging your way out of the shit and deciding to kick some serious herpes ass. You've totally found the ideal healing ground...this forum is amazing. Keep it up chickie!

 

Love Beckie

 

"It's impossible," said pride

"It's risky," said experience

"It's pointless," said reason

"Give it a try," whispered the heart

- Author unknown

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Yeah, I was also a serial dater and was never single. I understand exactly what you mean. I find it weird because I've had the disease for over 5 years now, and I feel like I'm only just realizing it. I didn't get many outbreaks, but after one occured, it reminded me. Now I don't know how I can keep on going on in denial. If I didn't really have an outbreak, I would have just forgotten about it altogether. I don't evaluate whether or not someone is good for me in the long run, most of the time it's not on that deep of a level or intention to be long-term. But that might be nice. I am so incredibly scared of anyone ever finding out.

 

Thank you so much for your support too, Beckie. It feels good to know I'm not the only one. I'm in the middle of an outbreak now that's been going on for almost a week--it's horrible! I've also tried switching to using aloe leaves as an ointment--that antiviral cream is $70 for one tube--I can't afford to take care of this disease! It's horribly painful and itchy though, I just want a normal life where I can be pretty and not have to wear sweatpants because my crotch is too itchy. -_- it makes me feel ugly.

 

Anyway, I loved your little quote, and I'm starting to learn that not all has to be impossible, I can get through this eventually if I try to heal.

 

Thank you my lovelies

Effemmell :x

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Hi effemmell,

 

Thank you for coming to our community and being so honest with your emotions right off the bat. Thank you for being raw with how you're feeling. This is an honest, authentic community and I appreciate you bringing yourself fully here. So much love for you! You are rockin' it. This is how we heal. With being with what is and accepting what is, and loving ourselves through the process ...

 

And I'll be damned if we're gonna let you kill yourself over a simple skin rash. Psh. Please. :) We know you're destined for better things than that. And you know it, too, or you wouldn't have come on here to reach out. And like Beckie said, look at all the shifting you've already done. Imagine what's possible with more time and more loving yourself? That is what it takes to heal: Self-love. Self-acceptance. Recognizing that your thoughts aren't reality. Recognizing that your beauty lies deeper than the depth of your skin. And if you need reminders, we're here to remind.

 

And hey, don't try to heal. You're not trying. You are doing it right now. This is it. And I friggin' love your courage to face this head on and entertain the possibility that you are so beyond incredibly lovable ... :) Come to the weekend. You're ready for it.

 

Big hugs and so much love to you! And remember ... you're an angel of the heart! (corny enough for ya?) ;)

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