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I really like you but we "CAN'T" be physical ever.....


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Greetings,

New to this site and very thankful to have finally found it. Looking for thoughts on the scenerio below....

 

My recent rejection has been difficult because he says he really likes me and wants to get to know me but that we can't ever be physical.... and he says nothing will change his mind. I sent him the post disclosure sheet and it just upset him more, accusing me of pressuring him and that he will never "win" this argument when I share that we can be safe.....I don't know what to say or do and this is where I start "freaking" out.

 

BUT, is it okay that he wants to see where our relationship goes without any physical contact or will it just end up in even more pain because he won't talk about the "opportunity". OR is this the "opportunity" because maybe it is the start of how relationships should be?

 

Sorry, Im rambling, it seems easier to just get a flat rejection so this is my first time to experience this kind of reaction from someone IF he's sincere.

 

Thanks for your time and thoughts.

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Is this the kind of relationship you want? Someone who is paranoid and telling you that you will never be physical together? (It's one thing to say "Let's take it slow" ... It's completely another to say NEVER.) I feel like you are putting up with this kind of treatment because you are actually buying into the whole "I'm defective" belief that herpes can tend to push on us. That you deserve to be treated as less than because of herpes. I got news for you: You're not defective. You're perfectly fine as you are, with all your amazing qualities along with your imperfections (which is what make us human). The perception that herpes is somehow a big deal is what's defective. Not you. If his decision is to NEVER be physical with you and you just so happen to want to be physical, then that's his decision. Now you get to make a decision on whether or not you want to put yourself through that. There are plenty of people who won't be paranoid about a simple skin condition. Nothing against him, but this is your opportunity to go for the kind of relationship you know deep down you deserve and not settle because of "acne genitalis." ;)

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No, it is not one bit what I wanted to hear,. I definitely do not want someone who isn't open to learning and listening. My fear tho is that I don't give him time to process and consider a relationship with me because he also said if his feelings grow for me then he will have to make a decision to be more then friends.

He is also upset that I make light of my condition saying that frustrates him.

UGH, I understand why people just give up, a flat out rejection is easier then this crap but you are right I am not defective.

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Hey, I hear ya. Staying with him could mean that he could see the light that it actually isn't as big a deal as he's been convinced that it is (the herpes stigma was all made up for marketing purposes anyway — read this article for more on that: http://herpeslife.com/inventing-herpes/ ) And then again, maybe not. He may still forever be entrenched in the negative stigma about herpes. And then you will have wasted your precious time with him.

 

If he's clear right now in this moment that he won't want to ever be physical with you, honor that as his decision. I hear that you don't want to be celibate, so you two seemingly have reached an impasse ... He sounds clear on his decision (for now). If he changes his mind and realizes that herpes isn't something to hold him back from you, someone he feels a true connection with, then he will come around then. But I would suggest not waiting for him to come around ... it just might not happen. And you're worth more than waiting for someone to figure out that you're worth it. He'll get it if he's meant to, but him getting it doesn't mean you need to patiently wait around for that to happen. Just my 2 cents. ;)

 

And hey, the whole "giving up" thing ... Remember that rejection and all this stuff that we go through around having the herpes talk is ubiquitous in the dating world in general! People go through being vulnerable and facing rejection whether they have herpes or not. Let's remember that. We aren't the special ones who get to possibly suffer through rejection from someone we're crushin' on. ;)

 

I'm really feeling protective over your awesomeness and your heart. Herpes doesn't mask those parts of you.

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kp2 I agree with Adrial. If he is not willing to at least learn about it or acknowledge it then it seems that he is not really interested in fully knowing who you are. HSV is part of our bodies. Our partners should be educated about it and understand how it affects us and how it can affect them. Choosing to ignor it and making demands without regard to your feelings does not seem like a good start to a healthy relationship. I feel your pain. I too would rather have the flat out rejection then to continuously hear the "its never going to happen" speech.

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I appreciate you all and you are so right. I'm not waiting around for him because in my heart of hearts I think he is already gone. The "red flag" here is his unwillingness to learn and manage the situation with me. He is judging unfairly using the "I don't have it and don't ever want to get it" line as his accusation of me taking it too lightly and that I don't understand that he is not going to change how he feels regardless of stats/figures.

 

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Well, we won't give you the script to say. That'll come from you. ;) But check in with yourself around actually honoring his decision while also honoring what you want and need in a relationship. Don't make him wrong for making that decision; it's his to make. And his decision just doesn't match up with what you need. If you want some one-on-one coaching on this, I'd be glad to help out, too.

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kp2 I would look at it like this (if I were you, which clearly I am not). In the dating world people are going to have issues and there will be deal breakers. If it wasn't herpes he was on the fence about but, say, that you had kids and he was NEVER going to date someone with kids, how would you answer him? I would suggest coming from a place of what you need in a relationship and a partner. Don't make him wrong, as Adrial has said. He is entitled to his feelings and his fears. However, you are entitled and you deserve a partner who will accept you for the fabulous, honest, beautiful soul that you are. I have run in to people who are totally freaked out about herpes and no matter how fabulous you are, they have this fear and you can't change that. Be happy he was honest with you about his feelings. Now it's your turn to be honest and authentic about yours. Only you will know what your boundaries are and whether you can stay in relationship with him, given what he has said.

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