disclosure after the fact...

[anonymousprince]

I am struggling to decide whether I should stay with a girl who disclosed to me her H status after having protected sex with me over a vacation. She told me she had taken the test before the trip, but only found out after the trip of her positive results. She then told me that she knew her ex had H but she had never gotten tested or researched things online (I do find the latter hard to believe). I really like her but it is a matter of trust at this point. Because, what are the chances someone you just met will find out right after having sex with you...Honesty is certainly always appreciated before or after the fact, but I do feel a sense of betrayal. She is adamant that she did not know about it when she met me. I so much want to believe her, but I feel something does not add up...My results are negative so far and I have had no symptoms. Thank you all for this wonderful forum.

[HikingGirl]

Is it possible that the sense of betrayal stems not from whether or not she had her test results back yet, but because she knew a previous partner has HSV, she knew she had just gotten tested for it, and she chose not to tell you that HSV was a possibility but the results were still pending?

[anonymousprince]

Thank you for your comment, HikingGirl. What she told me was that her doctor did not notify her of the positive results and she did not pick up the results until after the trip. She told me she never had any symptoms whatsoever, and that she did not know one could have H and have no symptoms, so she was not really worried about the results...I guess when you first meet and have sex with a girl for the first time and a couple of weeks down the road she discloses telling you she just found out, isnt it normal to get suspicious? What are the chances? And I really wanted to believe her!

[HikingGirl]

There are a lot of unknowns with HSV. About a year after my divorce, I unexpectedly fell into a long-distance fling, first having sex around Christmas 2015. I had no reason to think I had herpes. I was tested for STDs before I got married and was negative. I had no reason to think my ex was unfaithful. I never experienced any sores.

 

By late January, I went in for a routine Pap smear and spontaneously asked for an STI panel for good measure to start this new relationship with a clean slate. I tested positive for HSV1 and HSV2. My ex later tested negative for both (as did the new beau), so I had been walking around with both strains for 18-25 years and had absolutely no idea. I also had no idea that there were no good herpes tests when I got married, nor did I know it’s usually not tested for. It’s just the luck of the draw that my nurse practitioner included it in the panel. Like the girl you’ve been seeing, I had no idea you could have herpes with no symptoms (or symptoms so mild they mimic other things like yeast infections, jock itch, or ingrown hairs).

 

So barely six weeks after first having sex with Mr. Long-Distance, I found out I have HSV. Ignorance is pretty common with this virus (god knows I was ignorant).

 

If your gut is telling you that something is not adding up, I suspect that nothing she could say will change that.

[anonymousprince]

thanks for sharing your story, HikingGirl!

 

that is pretty helpful...while you were married you were obviously not on Valtrex, since you did not know at the time...if I may ask, did you have sex with condoms or without with your ex-husband, and for how many years were you together? and he still never got a positive antibody for HSV-2?

 

the only difference with my girl is that she knew her ex of several years had herpes and she still (told me that she) did not look into it. she is soooo nice, gentle, clever and responsible as far as I know. I am just having so much trouble accepting she could have neglected/ignored this possibility until after she met me and had sex with me. I am having a hard time believing that she never googled "genital herpes" after her ex told her of his status several years ago. It took me less than 5 minutes to read the basics online....how could she not have googled it at least being with her ex for several years?

 

also, I did not mention that she told me of her status a few weeks after I had told her that I was thinking seriously of her and wanted to be with her in a relationship. So, you know unfortunately it crosses my mind that otherwise she perhaps would have never told me anything.

 

my doubts about how her and how she handled this pose such a barrier for me. despite of how much I want to be with her. and the worst thing for me is that I can't be certain. maybe she just did not know, and has been 100% honest with me...maybe not...

 

thanks again!

[HikingGirl]

You’re correct...we did not use condoms. We were married for 15 years and dated a year prior to getting married. I have no explanation for why he didn’t get either strain from me all those years. Great immune system, maybe? Or maybe luck!

[anonymousprince]

that is impressive. you are probably very lucky! but it also makes me wonder- what exact test did you get and what was the antibody titer if you would like to share? did you ever get the University of Washington Western Blot done for confirmation? You know that there are false positive results with the first-line tests, right...?

[HikingGirl]

For the IgG, the index value was 44 something for HSV1 and 3.27 for HSV2. I did have the western blot done and it confirmed I have both types.

[anonymousprince]

I see. so, you already did the right test...just wanted to make sure it was confirmed. thank you again for your support.

[Katidid]

@anonymousprince I can tell you that I told my now husband 21 yrs ago that I had H prior to our 1st sexual encounter. There was no internet avail to us and very little info to read. He never looked any of it up, just went on what info I gave him. Never brought it up and we've been together 21 yrs! He never got tested until a little a little over a yr ago. He is negative. So, it is possible for people to know their partner has it, but yet they didn't test for it themselves. I think if you really like this girl then move forward with her. You seem so stuck on not wanting to "buy" her story. So, maybe you should just move on.

[anonymousprince]

thank you, Katidid, for your response. I am very happy for you and your husband...it's really amazing. and did you take Valtrex or use condoms or nothing at all for his protection?

When it comes to my situation, I am more stuck on not being able to get my mind off of this girl and wanting to believe her emotionally, but at the same time sensing that logically the sequence of events is not adding up. I feel that if you are in a long-term relationship, not getting tested for it is fine if you don't care to know for yourself or your partner (if your partner is on Valtrex to prevent transmission, it makes sense to be getting tested periodically). but if you are going to start a new relationship, I feel that you owe it to the next person to do your own research at least online and to let them know of the possibility in advance. both of these would inevitably lead to getting tested I would think. Before the internet was around, I can definitely see your argument, but at this time and age, it really did not take me longer than 10 minutes to read the basics about getting tested, the possibility of asymptomatic infection etc. Also, with this girl, she told me some things that in retrospect indicate that she knew and was thinking of telling me, but I can't be sure 100%. For instance, she asked me to tell her my darkest secret and promised that she would never judge me for it no matter what it may be at a pretty random point. And I was sensing that she wanted to tell me hers instead in retrospect...I deeply empathize with her if that is the case. I can only imagine what a struggle it may have been but I can't shake all this doubt and sense of betrayal. I keep thinking that she did her best to give me the most amazing, perfect experience during our brief time together, because she knew she would have to tell me eventually. And I would have to want her really bad to move forward despite of this. And she was successful in the former part- I don't think I have felt this strongly for decades for someone. I fell in love. but the sense of betrayal is poisoning my passion. trust is difficult to build and easy to lose. If things end up not working out with this girl and I catch herpes, then it would cost me a lot because I live at a pretty small city. Privacy would be difficult to maintain if I would have to date again. This has been one of my most difficult decisions so far in my life. thanks again for your support...

[Katidid]

I can definitely see your side as well and really hope things go in as positive direction for you both. My husband chose to use condoms for intercourse and no protection for oral which we did most often. I went on anti viral about a year and a half ago only to bring my 6 ob's per yr to zero which it did. Best wishes!!!