Disclosing after the fact....seeking help, guidance, encouragement.

[ehfar]

I was diagnosed with HSV2 about 10 months ago. I contracted it from my then boyfriend and although he claimed not to know he had it, I have many reasons to believe otherwise. Despite my gut feelings, I stayed with him and about 6 months later we broke up for other reasons. I've done a lot of research on HSV2 and have come to terms with my status. Although hard at times, the more I learn about it the more I realize it truly is just a skin condition and it does not dictate my life.

 

Being back in the dating world with my new HSV2 status, I have a profoundly different perspective and approach. I have disclosed my status one time to a potential hook-up and although he was very kind and understanding, he did not want to proceed (understandably so - neither of us wanted a relationship so I can understand not wanting to take that risk with just a hook-up).

 

Although I've dated a few people since my breakup, I haven't been interested enough to become intimate so haven't needed to disclose my status. Recently however, I have met somebody who I like and respect and can see relationship potential with. On our most recent date, the drinks were flowing. Earlier in the evening he invited me back to his place and I said no (I didn't want to put myself in a physical situation with him because I was not ready to disclose my status). Unfortunately, the drinks continued to flow and we ended up staying out pretty late and against my better (drunken) judgement I went back with him. He performed oral on me. I stopped it rather quickly once I comprehended that what was happening was NOT good but now I am faced with having to tell him after the fact. I am riddled with guilt, shame and a lot of inner turmoil. I consider myself to be a good person with good and honest values and morals. I am ashamed of my behavior and my guilt is at times unbearable. I plan to continue to see him and will be telling him but am very terrified. It truly was never my intent to let things escalate to the point they did. I have done a lot of research since the occurrence and have read that it is not common to transmit HSV2 to someone orally which has eased my anxieties a tad.

 

I have spoken to the few close friends who are aware of my status and they all are amazing and listen to me and offer advice, but I feel I need advice from someone who better understands what living with H is like. I know I need to forgive myself because at the core I know I'm a good person who made a mistake that cannot be taken back. I also know that once I tell him I will feel much lighter, whether he reacts negatively or positively. I made a mistake that I wish endlessly I could take back, but I cannot. I am now faced with having to do something difficult and I am and will continue to own my mistake and move forward having learned the hard way.

 

Any advice, encouragement, or personal stories similar would be so much appreciated and helpful for me.

 

Thank you!

[Dave]

If you're interested in this person for something long term, then disclose. If not, then let it go because the odds are low for transmission if you were not having an outbreak.

 

It saddens me that you are riddled with guilt and shame, over a non issue virus. It's amazing how something so small can be so devastating to many. The Flu is much more deadly, yet we don't fear it like we do Herpes and that really is insane.

[annalove]

It sounds like you are seriously considering this guy from long term potential so I think honesty is what is most important here. It could go any which way but in the end you will continue forward knowing you were honest and gave him a choice. I think most people are just so misinformed they need some time to do their research once someone discloses to them.

 

My HSV-2 positive friend had never disclosed to any friends, families or partners because she was told by her doctor she couldn't transmit unless she was having an outbreak (so incorrect). She has since ended up in a long distance (but serious) relationship and they never use condoms when they are together. After discussing with me and realizing she has potentially already transmitted it to him she realized she needed to be honest. She told him and while he did ask a few questions, he overall said that it didnt change at all the way he felt about her. I would say this is of course the ideal dream reaction we all hope for, but she had exposed him genitally and you did not do that so take that into consideration.

 

My suggestion would be to state the basic facts "I carry HSV-2 and I want you to know before things progress more between us sexually". I personally wouldn't even necessarily go into it apologizing for things having gotten physical because it is VERY VERY VERY unlikely he would contract HSV-2 orally. If he asks be honest it is possible but make sure you know the statistics about it. I once read an article that a herpes specialist had seen it one time in 30 years of practice.

 

The fact remains that if you disclose before having intercourse with him...you've already done a lot more than most HSV positive people do. Most people with HSV-1 have no problem going down on others without disclosing although they can transmit it to their partners genitals. And many people just simply dont disclose at all.

 

Be confident. State your disclosure in a way that shows you are doing so because you care and see long term potential. And dont apologize for being HSV positive. When it comes down to it most people have a form of herpes

[optimist]

@ehfar 100% concur with everything @annalove said. Especially this suggested approach:

 

My suggestion would be to state the basic facts "I carry HSV-2 and I want you to know before things progress more between us sexually". I personally wouldn't even necessarily go into it apologizing for things having gotten physical because it is VERY VERY VERY unlikely he would contract HSV-2 orally. If he asks be honest it is possible but make sure you know the statistics about it. I once read an article that a herpes specialist had seen it one time in 30 years of practice.

 

IIRC, Terri Warren said she had never personally seen a case of genital HSV2 being transferred to a partner's mouth in this way in something like 35 years but had one person write in to say they had experienced this and had read of a couple cases outside of her practice. She said she would describe it as "conceptually possible." She added that she did not feel it needed to be disclosed before oral sex from a risk perspective but that she felt it was a good idea to do so in anticipation of a partner possibly having a negative emotional reaction later upon disclosure before intercourse.

[Conflictedorchid]

Can you update? I had similar situation this week and resonate with your feelings on guilt and inner turmoil. I don't know how to proceed either.

[Katidid]

You are freaking out way too much here. You made a mistake. It's highly unlikely you transmitted anything....hvs2 does not like the oral cavity...like 1% chance he might get it that way. Don't freak when telling him because he will freak too. It's not a big deal, don't make it one!