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I got herpes due to infidelity

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Hello Everyone,


Husband and Wife here looking for answers, same as everyone else I suppose. Due to infidelity in marriage I have been made aware that I have been infected with HSV2 I have been tested recent as last week and have a positive result for HSV2 and HSV1 negative. My wife is due to be tested Wednesday and I will also be re-tested. I know chances of getting a different result is slim but hey we are going to be at doctors office anyway for her testing, why not roll up my sleeve again. I had a blood draw test and she will have the same. Of course my wife is livid at how such a thing could have happened. Of course it does not help that over the years she has preached to me about cheating and fear of "things in this world that can kill us" I have not listened and here we are living out my worse nightmare. Chances of her staying are slim to none I'm sure especially if she is lucky enough to test negative. So my concerns going forward are for those that are HSV2 Positive do you tell possible sexual partners your status. I'm going to be honest I feel like if I take every precaution possible to play safe is it my responsible to tell or is it that unspoken rule that when you sleep with someone they have to understand there is a possible risk involved. I feel like this is not as bad as my wife is making it out to be because 1.she may not even be infected 2. it's not a death sentence. I am going to be honest as of late my wife has discovered my swinger lifestyle I have traveled as a single man to other countries with a particular adult group and I have had sex in this environment do you guys think I have to disclose my health status if I want a blow job or I want to perform oral on a woman. My wife thinks I am obligated to tell everyone I have sexual contact with I totally disagree. I have a good idea how long I may have been infected I have never had any symptoms or outbreaks that I have noticed nor has my wife so reading the percentages above I gather that the chance of me infecting someone is rather slim, right? If I use condoms every time I should be ok? I mean considering I don't have an outbreak site I don't have to worry about what the condom covers and I can still use my mouth to please without passing infection right.. where are the hard core questions and answers. I don't want to have a sexless life. If my wife is negative there is no way she will have sex with me so how can I expect any other negative woman too.. Hell if I tell the truth and she jumps in bed with me what may she have.. I don't want this to run my life and I will not live in fear.. Advice Anyone?

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Thank you for being so transparent with us here. There's so much here to comment on ... So let's start from the top. ;)


Where my attention first goes is your wife. Not knowing the full story, but feeling tons of compassion for her and what I imagine she's going through right now. It's fascinating to me how flippantly you speak of your infidelity. Were you and your wife practicing a swinger lifestyle or was this just something you decided on your own without consulting her? How do you feel about treating your wife like that? Have you put yourself in her shoes, bro? I imagine she's hurting a lot (and not only because you may have gifted her with herpes, but also because of how you seemingly shat on the implicit trust that a marriage represents). It seems by all the questions you're asking that all you care about is your own needs and making sure you'll still be able to have sex while avoiding a potentially uncomfortable conversation. Sounds pretty selfish, wouldn't you agree?


Have you downloaded the 2 handouts? Those are all the hardcore questions and answers and information you need to know so you can be armed with information when you tell other women.



Do you tell possible sexual partners your status? Of course! Why wouldn't you? Even though the risks are small when you wear protection, there's still a chance (5% with a condom, 2.5% with both a condom and suppressive therapy). Yes, there is even a chance if you have never had a visible herpes outbreak. (Look up asymptomatic viral shedding — herpes is shed 10% of the time with no signs or symptoms.) If you're intimate with someone physically, the least you can do is also be intimate enough with them emotionally and maturely to tell them you have herpes. And having the safer sex conversation not only protects her, but YOU. Do you want to add to your deck of STD trading cards? (I'll trade my herpes for your AIDS, please, and a side order of gonnorhea.)


What you said here confuses me: "If my wife is negative there is no way she will have sex with me so how can I expect any other negative woman to." Do you blame her for not wanting to have sex with someone who was unfaithful to her? Someone who selfishly risked her health and trust in relationships? Bro, let me break it down for you: A quality woman isn't attracted to a man solely based on whether he has herpes or not; no, a quality woman sees deeper: How he treats her, who he is at his core.


Please don't do this to another woman. Please. You're giving all of us men with herpes a bad name. This is your opportunity to see how you treat others and change it for the better. Look at yourself. Please. Please.


If everything happens for a reason, then perhaps you getting herpes happened so you can work your muscle of integrity. So you can change for the better. For you to be the man you truly are behind the facade. Now is your chance. And it's your choice. Begin now.

Note: This is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis.
I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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Thanks for the quick response. I know I may seem to come off a certain way but I truly want to be as honest as possible with my words. To answer your questions no my wife was not aware she suspected for years she would question "fellas trips" and she has found swinger profiles and sites in the computer history. All of these things have just started to unravel over the past 2 months. The wife and I had a falling out over her writing her first boyfriend in prison and she had been to see him and sent him money with that discovery I left our marital home and that's when all hell broke lose. She became CSI on me and I was busted. She also had the aid of some "unknown" person that told I was still sleeping with my ex even though the wife and I have been married almost 5 years this "unknown" person text my wife and told her that my ex gave him HSV2 and that I needed to be tested and here we are today. I am aware of the hurt I have imposed on my wife I am but I have to be honest I don't want this to run my life. I understand my wife feels like she's a victim but how can we ever move on if she continuously humiliates me and takes jabs at me. I am very aware of what I have done to her and I am truly sorry but what am I to do? Close myself in the closet? After all the infidelities came out prior to the test results the wife was willing to explore so to speak with me when I left my wife I did book a trip with the adult group for Cabo this June and I had the agent add my wife on my reservation. Now that the results have come out my wife wants to shut everything down I have changed I'm not out here doing the things I was before sneaking around lying cheating nothing will be done without her. I don't see why we can't with precaution. Her wanting to control everything and be the shot caller has placed a thread within the closed FB group for the swingers group telling them about this exact situation. That's straight b.s to humiliate me. Why would she do that. I don't want this out there in the public. We haven't even talked to the doctor yet to find out info on how to minimize transmission. So now I have to be humiliated on this trip and people looking and treating us both like we are crazy. All I want to do is live life and be happy and she is not allowing me to do that. have I hurt her YES have I possibly infected her YES but she's not going to die. Like I told her This is not as bad as she thinks it is. It's not a death sentence. Let's move on. she has done nothing but turned against me and is at the front of the line to destroy me. I don't blame her for not wanting to have sex with me but we agreed to move forward and now she is going back on everything she has said and now what am I to do.. Not live life or live life exactly how she thinks I'm suppose too.. I'm confused and upset.. My life is falling apart and there is nothing I can do about it.

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Again, I truly appreciate your candidness and sticking here with this. I feel your humanity and integrity more in this latest post. A lot of anger came up for me reading your initial post because I've heard plenty of people who don't appreciate others and devalue themselves because of this herpes thing. These people hide due to shame, then they spread herpes due to hiding instead of being honest about it. And that triggered me to react and assume your wife was all in the clear, too. But with this new information, sounds like both of you were doing unfaithful stuff to each other? Sounds like a big ol' cluster of confusion, bro.


Regardless, this isn't the end of the world for you. Not at all. It may just be the shift that your life needs. (It may just be an, ahem, opportunity.) This could actually be the turning point. Know that whole "hitting the wall" metaphor they talk about in AA? When you hit the wall, it hurts. In the moment, it's not something you particularly enjoy, per-se, but sometimes what it takes to rebuild from the ground up is to crumble to the ground. Don't let this be the end for you. Let it be the beginning of a new chapter. A new chapter marked with integrity and openness and respect, both for yourself and those you find yourself with. You'll find that the kind of people you attract tend to be similar to your growth path. So as you shift the way you live, the kind of people you attract into your life across the board.

Note: This is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis.
I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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Randb22. First, thank you for your honesty and candidness. It sounds like this herpes thing may be a turning point in your life. I tends to be like that. For some it's a wake up call saying "um, hellooooo, this could have been MUCH worse". You can take it as a wake up call for both of you. It sounds like you are both hurting, both making choices that may not be good for your marriage and for yourself. I get that you don't want herpes to run your life, but it is your new reality. You can't ignore it, you can't wish it away. A person of integrity discloses to EVERY partner before they have sex. And just remember a few things. A. 20% of the population has it so you have a 1 in 5 chance of meeting a partner who already has it. Since you are in a high risk lifestyle, my guess would be that number would be even higher. B. Not every person who doesn't have herpes will reject you. Disclosing keeps you safe and in integrity and also gives them the choice. Once they have made the choice, then they take on the risk. Also, my experience of having the talk about herpes opens the door to having a much freer discussion about their sexual health because you don't know what they may not be telling you. Also, I find that by disclosing about my herpes, I am much more comfortable talking about sex in general. I have had men tell me that they have never had such a frank and open discussion about sex with a woman before. Hey, after you have to talk about having herpes, nothing else is embarassing.


I get that you're hurting and in denial and just want this whole herpes thing to go away already. The fact of the matter, it's not. It sounds like you have a bigger issue with your wife as far as trust goes and this is your opportunity to deal with that as well.


Best of luck. We are here if you need to talk through this. Navigating feelings, fears, choices, etc. has not been easy for any of us so know you are walking down a path many of us have had to go down.



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Oh Boy, So much to catch you guys up on.. So the wife and I have been to her appointment and she is HSV2 positive as well..(Lucky Me) My second round result was as I expected HSV2 positive also.. Add insult to injury the wife is 2 months pregnant.. Can my life get any worse??? Geez. Adrial I get what you were saying that we both have done some things wrong ion our marriage but lets be honest my wife holds the "trump" card so to speak because yes she was writing, visiting and sending money to and incarcerated man that she knew she was not physically cheating on me to cause the issue we have today. My wife was pregnant in 09 and was tested for HSV 1 and 2 and she was negative I have no ideas what prompted her OB to test as to my understanding it is not routine but she was and she was negative so this is all on my shoulders at this point. As if my situation was not bad enough I have another baby on the way and my wife is not a happy camper about being pregnant and having genital herpes. What am I to do? I have to be honest I was relieved to hear my wife was positive because I knew she would not leave me but I was not as amused to hear she was pregnant, (just being honest) so here I am I have HSV2 my wife does not want to have sex with me and neither will anyone else. My wife has outted me to everyone. I am going to be honest I had a Cabo trip booked for next month with a swingers group and she outted me on the groups FB page. WTH is that all about? If I were going to play it would have absolutely been the safest way possible. I feel like I have hit rock bottom. My wife claims to divorce me and sue me for damages under the tort law claiming I did not act accordingly and I have caused her and our unborn child bodily harm and I have alienated her from affection.. Who does this? If you are done then be done don't get some hot shot attorney to humiliate me in court. I feel like I have a right to not be tortured in the court system. I have no idea what to do where to turn or who to talk to to. My life, marriage, and relationships outside of marriage are non existent. I have nothing at this point. I fear coming home and my wife and children are gone one day. I know she is planning and there is nothing I can do about it. I am pissed because I have ALWAYS,ALWAYS had safe sex but I guess that does not stop genital herpes. What has my life become.

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Wow dude, you need to wake up and realize that you are creating everything that is occurring in your life right now. What area of your life are you taking accountability for? There is so much "Why me?" energy in your post. Don't you realize you had a hand in all of it? Maybe your wife wouldn't have to sue you to get you to take some accountability if you were willing on your own. Trust me - the minute you stop being a victim about your life and start looking at how you've contributed to what is happening, that's when things are really going to start to change for the better. Best of luck to you - Beckie

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