Preparing to Give My Wife Devastating News; Looking for Advice

[Crownwall]

Hello everyone,

 

First, a little background. I was diagnosed with HSV-2 back in 2006. As I'm sure you can imagine, the initial outbreak was not a pleasant experience both physically and emotionally, but I learned to control and cope with the disease over the years. To those that have just found out that they have herpes: your life is far from over. I made sure to be completely honest and transparent with potential partners and I was surprised at how little impact my diagnosis had on my relationships. In fact, a few years ago I married the love of my life. We now have a beautiful baby girl and I could not be happier.

 

Unfortunately, it seems as though my dream has quickly turned into a nightmare. Over the past few months, I've been noticing some strange symptoms on my penis and scrotum; some itchy, raised, slightly red areas would randomly show up then disappear after a couple of days. I have been experiencing a decent amount of stress lately as I prepare for a major career change so I chalked it up to my HSV peeking through my daily doses of Valtrex. I didn't think much of it and made sure to abstain from sex when they were present.

 

Then my world fell apart this morning. I woke up to an intense itching across the base of my penis where it transitions into my scrotum. Assuming I was experiencing an outbreak (what would have been the first full blown OB in years) I walked into the bathroom and gave myself a thorough examination only to find a patch of angry lesions that I am 98% positive are genital warts. I realize that I won't know for sure until I see a doctor but I do have some medical experience and this does not look anything like my previous OBs.

 

What horrifies me is that I have exposed my wife to this without even knowing it. She was very accepting of my HSV and we work hard to minimize the chances of passing it along to her (HSV free after 6 years), and now I have to break the news that I may have HPV as well. I cannot begin to define the maelstrom of emotions I am feeling right now but the strongest ones are guilt and shame. Bad luck is one thing when it affects you alone; it's completely different when it hurts the people you love most. I'm sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

 

I plan on sitting her down tomorrow night when I return from my current business trip to share my fears and explain why we will be abstaining from sex until I can see my doctor. Any advice on how best to do this is greatly appreciated. I love my wife very much and I know she loves me but I also know this is going to be a huge pill to swallow. To be completely honest, I am terrified that she may respond negatively especially considering that we were seriously discussing trying for another child in the very near future. What should be a happy time for us will now consist of exams and treatments, possibly for the both of us.

 

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading all the way through. I needed to vent and put my thoughts on "paper" before I drove myself crazy. Enjoy your night and please pass along any helpful comments you may have. Thank you very much in advance. Take care.

 

H

[RegularGuy]

I definitely understand needing to write things out.

Trust that your wife will appreciate it if you inform her of the situation as it develops, rather than wait for a good time to bring it up.

It's not going to be easy either way, but waiting will make it harder for her.

 

Sorry to hear you have some really tough times ahead of you, but if you demonstrate honesty and integrity, it will go a long way in helping to keep things leaning towards a positive result.

[Crownwall]

Thank you for the reply RegularGuy. I've been researching non-stop since I posted this discussion to arm myself with as much information as possible before I speak to my wife.

 

As if things were not bad enough, the CDC reports that genital warts may be inadvertently passed to children via a diaper change (although not a common occurrence). I am heavily involved in the care of my child and I wash/sanitize my hands religiously due to my HSV but this information has added an extra knot to my stomach. Not only have I exposed my wife to this...I may have potentially exposed our darling daughter either directly or through my wife (as an asymptomatic carrier). I don't know if I would be able to live with myself if our daughter ever shows symptoms.

 

My main job as a husband is to protect my family...I feel like I have failed them miserably. I know speaking to my wife and seeking treatment are the first steps but I just don't know where to go from there. Had I known I would pay this dearly for the fun I had when I was younger, I would have sworn off sex completely and waited for marriage.

 

And that is my main source of guilt with all of this: I am unbelievably lucky to have married my wife. She is an amazing mother who has given me a beautiful child and she works tirelessly to care for us both. She accepted my HSV even though it has impacted our intimate life (for example: we completely abstained from sex during her entire pregnancy to ensure our baby was safe) and she has supported me selflessly as I pursue my professional goals. What does she get in return? Genital warts. I literally cannot sleep with all of this churning in my head.

 

What was going to be a quick reply has turned into another session of venting. Thank you for bearing with me. This is heartbreaking.

 

H

[Dumfounded]

So many people have HPV and there's a vaccine for it. Plus you can't even say for sure you have it. Furthermore maybe you got it from your wife. Like HSV it can be tricky to say. You and your family will be a okay!