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Success stories for women over 40??? Need to hear the realities please...

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Thank you @MakingIT2017 !! I really appreciate this support. I know I have to move on and I thought I was but now it seems like things getting worse. Grrrr I’m angry with myself because I’m allowi myself to be this weak!!! And I don’t want to!!!

I’m sorry to hear about your ex being nasty to you. This is so unfair. We have never asked to get this bloody virus. I’m don’t like the H situation at all and I’m still confused about this. My friend is keep telling me I should just forget about it because it’s nothing and almost everyone have it. But then how should I feel ok with this when I got rejected because of this nothing. And for the rest of my life I will have to disclose this nothing? I even recently found out the test I had it done last year came negative and now I asked for blood test which they making big fuss about because they reckon is not needed and expensive so they very rarely do it. I’m going to clinic again on Tuesday so need to convince the doctor to let me have this test. I just need this to see if and what type I have and move on. I don’t even have a problem to stay on meds for the rest of my life. I always looked after myself and never had any serious health problem and now this so called nothing try and ruin my life.

I was even thinking should I next time just disclose very early so at least I’m not wasting my time. But the not disclosing still crossings my mind but I know it’s something I would struggle with and would bug me all the time.

Are you on meds? Or any supplements? X

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H is not not NOTHING. It is a very real and uncomfortable, unpredictable and ugly societal stigma. Easy to to have cold sores on a mouth but not on genital. Welcome to humans inability to be reasonable. I know I avoided H of any kind and so when I got it, I was shocked too. I'm not a get a round type even if I love good fun sex. I packed condoms and didn't meet one guy who carried his own. I lectured my gf's on it - and here I'm the one who got it.


Also, H can be very bad for those with compromised immune systems or other immuno related diseases. H can assist as a passage way for HPV if the high risk type and cause greater issues with cancers (vaginal, ovarian, anal). H can disseminate in rare cases if you have to be on steroids or other immuno-suppressant drugs for any amount of time. Dissemination is equal to very ugly cancers.


SO - it is a big deal to have it. However, it is not the end of the world. Love the stories here as I've yet to feel well enough after 4 months to even get off myself without causing an BO. But I'm learning here, so keep up the honest pros and cons... and I look forward to sharing my story one day.....need to brush up on my statistics!


Take care lovely ladies... keep rockin Life and Relationships!

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@Sunset The studies I've seen indicate very high rates of genital herpes infection but extremely low rates of diagnosis. In the U.S., 40% of autopsies indicate infection with HSV2, but only 2-3% of those people had been diagnosed with genital herpes. And this excludes genital HSV1. There are demographics in which HSV2 rates reach 70-80% with a slim minority aware they are infected. OTOH, some who know they are infected do have symptoms bad enough to affect their quality of life and/or psychological turmoil related to the stigma. So I agree it isn't nothing, yet it is extremely common and usually nothing, especially when people are unaware they are infected and therefore not subject to the stigma.


There are many other lifetime viruses like this that cause major problems for a minority of people yet are very common and usually no problem at all. What seems to be different with genital herpes (even when it is HSV1 which is rarely stigmatized when the infection is oral) is the stigma associated with known infections. I wonder if this will change if awareness grows about how many people have this unknowingly (exponentially more than those who know they have it). I think that did happen with HPV over time.

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Optimist - thank you for upate on stats - lots of info to take in.

I agree that H is not a big deal for the majority, I just want folks to be sure to practice safe sex if they have it REGARDLESS of how bad it is or is not for them. We never know how another's body may or may not react to said disease.


As for HPV - the only reason it is not a bigger deal is that it use to be called a loose woman's disease back in the 60-70's per an ex nurse friend. HPV was about women being responsible for spreading her legs. Vaccines for it were fought Hard but finally Reasoning minds won out. Now, boys can too be vaccinated. The issue I have is that only Women carry the burden, unless gay anal sex and men get anal cancer from HPV - only reason we ever really know they have it. It causes throat cancer in some (see Michael Douglas) so HPV is very real and very dangerous to the small few. Thus when my doc didn't even think to tell me I had it I had a few words to say. As in my case, in less than 2 years it took advantage of my compromised immune system and here I have cervical dysplasia and if not stay better I am having cervix, uterus and ovaries removed. Why leave shit in if only vulnerable to HPV and HSV evil cancers given the right moment to strike?


So again - not the end of the world, just like most diseases, however, H should always carry high respect. I would never be saying so if I were not the one person that cannot yet seem to fight even HPV whereas most just do. It's all about awareness and not spreading.


In due time I'll put my face out there on HPV, HSV and PSC and Rosacea.... My life is shortened now and best I step up and fight for what I know and what most take for granted (understandably so)!


That said - can't wait to date, see how conversations go and oooh la la, just to feel a warm body in my bed. All in due time ladies - we are So Very Worth it!

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@Sunset I think awareness of the pervasiveness of HPV grew when the vaccine needed to be aggressively marketed. The vaccine is recommended for 11-12 year old boys and girls and lots of parents were resistant, thinking they would essentially be green lighting promiscuity. In marketing the vaccine, all strains were lumped under the umbrella term HPV, whether they potentially caused cancer or not, and it was emphasized that most people contract "HPV" within a couple years of becoming sexually active. They didn't break it down into different strains and locations as they do with HSV which likely would have been less effective, IMHO. The same could potentially be done with HSV, explaining that 80% of the adult population has it without getting into the types and locations, but there has yet to be a reason to do that. In fact, there has only been a reason to do the opposite in that there has been an effort to normalize oral herpes but make people fearful of genital herpes.

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@monika, no I’m not on any AVs yet. I don’t get blisters at all unless they are internal. I do, however, have bouts of itchiness down there that gets on my nerves at times. I recently started taking Azo yeast tablets and they have done wonders for the itchiness! I used to mix tea tree oil with coconut oil and apply to my vagina which also helped with the itching. I take Lysine in the mor morning and Apple Cider Vinegar before I eat breakfast and again before bed but I’ve been doing that for years. When I decide to start dating my plan is to start taking AVs on a daily basis especially if he’s negative since I have no idea when the virus is active.


As far as that guy is concerned don’t bother reaching out. Just move forward with your life and if he wants to talk then he will contact you. He says he can’t deal with the virus so there’s nothing more to talk about IMO. I don’t talk to the guy I was seeing when I was diagnosed. No contact since October when I found out. It totally sucked at first but I’m much better now. We will find love again...just stay in the race!!


@Sunset, I was the same way with the condoms!! I always had some on me just in case they don’t which most didn’t!! I also knew of others (guys) that had it but thought that I was safe with my partners as long as we had condoms. Never even heard of viral shedding or contracting H1 from oral sex until I was diagnosed with H2 and started researching the virus. I also miss that warm body in my bed!! Ugh!! But I’m gonna take my time and scene them a lot better when I start dating.

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MakingIt2017 - it is a bit boggling isn't it. I still shake my head that I have it - but - here we are. One woman said on here, just offer up cuddle time and not ready for sex to start. That seems hard to do as I know if I'm hot and bothered, I'd have a hard time just cuddling. Never been a friend cuddler just for that reason.... I've never met a dude OK just to cuddle. But, that's me!


HPV is now recommended up to age 27 actually by more forward thinking docs. It also is in trials to see of the vaccine can help with those infected with the high risk types that do get complications. My doc is already being primed by me if I continue to have cervical issues come June that I want to try the vaccine - not that I need her permission. From here, I'd make sure I get approved for total hysterectomy... over HPV and HSV. Yep, it can go that badly for some.


There are over 100 types of HPV, most just not a big deal

Low risk are the warts - genital or not and are part of the vaccine 6 & 11.

High risk are the cancers - 16 and 18 are part of vaccine.


"High-risk HPV strains include HPV 16 and 18, which cause about 70% of cervical cancers. Other high-risk HPV viruses include 31, 33, 45, 52, 58, and a few others. Low-risk HPV strains, such as HPV 6 and 11, cause about 90% of genital warts, which rarely develop into cancer."


I don't have have either 16 or 18 high risk but still have cervical issues, even though 16 and 18 are typically associated with cervical cancers and the vaccine covers these two.

The point is I'm prime example that HPV matters and testing for it is important for women to do at pap smear if you've ever been sexually active.

HPV is spread orally and genitally - just doesn't carry the same infectious rate as HsV1 & HsV2 as it's not as visible, uncomfortable or obviously socially unacceptable - thus Men are not tested and still cannot be even though they spread it the most. Just like they do with HSV. Like it or not, it that were different, treatment would be different.


I just promote greater awareness, testing of ALL STDS regardless of cost annually if sexually active. And get DETAILS of your STD. It matters if HsV1 or HsV2. It Matters why type of HPV. It could save even your own life even though most don't see Std's as life threatening. They can be and are if the stars align.


OK - back to great chat on Sex with H!.... can't wait... lol....

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What you mentioned as feeling like you were moving on from the guy who rejected you and then now feeling like things have gotten worse - those are just "relapses". You inch forward healing and then fall back again- totally natural progression of any kind of healing/recovery process. Remind yourself that emotional relapse is normal during the dark times. I read a couple of things recently that I screenshot with my phone...one says "just when I thought everything was falling apart...it was actually falling together" and "the best went out it thru". Sometimes you have to sit with your pain just a little longer to really get over it.


In reference to some of the other discussion on here, I don't feel like H is a "big deal" in my life (not talking about people with health complications, as I understand it can be). And I regularly meet people who have WAY more serious issues in health, life drama, relationships, legal, etc. that make me feel so sorry and compassionate for them and fortunate I "only" have H.


With that said I don't agree when people try to make it not a big deal to those they disclose to because I feel it is very easy to transmit. Heck you don't even need to have sex. There's a reason people are getting it everyday; its easy to get! In fact every time I disclose I don't tell them the risk is small with condoms or antivirals; I straight out say - "you need to be aware that getting this is a realistic possibility". Often I feel like I have to drive that point home because people can be somewhat in denial or dismissive about it when I disclose so I really want to cover my bases and make sure they don't feel I manipulated the situation. And I think that approach worked in terms of putting the responsibility for deciding to move forward in their hands, because in the 2 situations where I passed it on I felt so horrible and both people were like "don't be, I knew what I was doing when I took that risk" and there were never hard feelings about it.


I mentioned earlier that in 20 years I know I have passed it twice. The first was a relationship in which we used condoms every single time the entire year and then he got it (not on the area protected by the condom of course). The 2nd was my now ex fiancé; he did not want to use condoms ever so I got on Valtrex and 2 years later he got it. So even with precautions, its so passible.


Oh, and @monika; I don't disclose right off the bat (though I admire those who can!) but I usually do after the 2nd or 3rd date when I can tell that the potential for both ME really liking them is there AND them really liking me. I don't want to get more emotionally involved without that disclosure in place- too risky on my heart! I did disclose to the guy at the ski resort within hours of meeting him (mentioned in an earlier post), but it was more experimental; for some reason I was feeling empowered, brave and bold (and sexy too lol). I hope that's a sign of things to come in how I feel when I disclose in the future because I am usually very nervous beforehand. This felt amazing beforehand....weird!


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@Sunset, not trying to change the course of this great thread but you’ve talked extensively about HPV. I have a 20 y/o daughter and when she was maybe 12 or 13 they started pushing the HPV vaccine at her appts. I refused them because I didn’t know much about it and thought it was just another way for them to get money. She’s not a virgin any longer as of 2 years ago but she’s also not sexually active. Did I mess up by not allowing her to get that vaccine years ago? She had her annual pap last November and was fine. I’m just interested in your thoughts on that.


Ok, for the ladies that have disclosed and have had sex since their diagnosis...is receiving oral sex going to be a thing of the past?? I thoroughly enjoy receiving oral sex but can’t imagine a man wanting to go there after I’ve disclosed. Gahhh!!

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@MakingIT2017 Your daughter can discuss the vaccine with her doctor. A new one that covers 9 strains came out a few years ago. It could protect against any of the nine strains she has not yet contracted.


As for oral sex, I haven't encountered an issue with this. Most people with oral HSV1 kiss their partners. This is really no different.

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I have a lot to add to this discussion - but first need to say - @Sunset - I am right there with you - there is no snuggling!! Many times my sex drive is much higher than the men I am with. Many years ago, I actually got pissed when a guy I had been with before drank so much he "just wanted to snuggle!" I left his house, such a bitch!! OMG! I probably scared him for life!!

I have said I like younger men, this is part of it, I have a high sex drive and most men my age can't keep up.

I was just diagnosed with HSV at the New Year 2018, so far just waiting out my 3 months before I consider having sex. I have been on an emotional roller coaster! Today is a good day!! Just got home, spent the weekend with my daughter in California. I have had so many emotional breakthroughs this last week and Have a lot to add on the Gardisil Vaccine. (Did not have my daughter vaccinated, please research, very dangerous!!) You will hear more from me soon!!

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In reference to oral sex; for the most part my experience is the men who like giving oral sex still want to (and REALLY want to) and the one's who aren't into it to begin with stay that way. One of my earlier long-term relationships was very willing but I was so squeamish about having herpes after a couple of times I stopped letting him. Another serious relationship was with a guy who wouldn't give oral but it turned out he was a taker not a giver both physically and emotionally and I got out of that one quick. And for the ex-fiancé oral was like his favorite thing in the world- I always wondered how it didn't bother him but he loved doing this.


Oh and need to correct a typo on an inspirational quote I wrote earlier, it should read "sometimes the best way out is through".


Random thought...today was a rough day emotionally. I can't put my finger on it. Its happened a lot the past year. I left an engagement with a narcissist and I know psychologically that takes a lot of healing. I keep feeling like maybe I'm struggling with my age and self esteem though I can't pin point why???? I feel like the women in my family get more attractive with age. I've done some amazing things professionally and I've taken big risks every 4-5 years to leave work and so some amazing things personally. Experienced tons of personal growth in my 30's. Picked myself up several times after relationships with people who were intentionally harmful....lots of reasons to feel good self worth but something is really bothering me. I try to think if its herpes and being single again, but don't think it is. I really think it has to do with turning 40 and being single but just don't know. If anyone has experience with this and can share insight....


Oh I'll add that of the 4 different dates I've been on in the past 2 weeks all have disclosed struggling deeply in some way emotionally and feeling lost (all are late 30's early 40's) so this is another reason I'm wondering about the age component.


I really hope this is not something I'm going to continue to struggle with each passing year. Anyway, its been one of those days....

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There are some videos on relationships with a narcissist - the way they manipulate and control their partner. Might be good to watch so you understand what you are feeling.


Today I am glad I am not in a relationship! Last night I slipped & hit my forehead. Left me a bit loopy, black eye & swollen forehead. At least no one will think I am in an abusive relationship.

Need to get ready for work, can't seem to get moving!


Enjoying this discussion and all of the comments!






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So here's the good news about oral HSV2...


- It's uncommon, even though tons of people have HSV2, most don't know it, and most engage in oral sex without barriers

- If someone contracts oral HSV2 and has a noticeable initial outbreak, it is visually indistinguishable from oral HSV1

- After the initial outbreak, oral HSV2 is unlikely to cause recurring outbreaks (significantly less likely to recur than oral HSV1)

- Average asymptomatic shedding of oral HSV2 is 25 times less than average shedding for oral HSV1 (1% vs. 25%)

- Once someone contracts oral HSV2, if they don't contract genital HSV2 during the same encounter (which can happen), and if they do not infect themselves genitally while antibodies are still building (possible but rare), they are then largely immune to ever contracting genital HSV2 or even HSV1 for that matter, if they don't already have HSV1



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@MakingIT2017 @PresentMoment Also, FWIW, I have HSV2 and I have two men in my life who love performing oral on me, as well as two former lovers who offer this regularly and I decline because they are former lovers for a reason. All four know I have HSV2. As @LoveTheMountains speculated, it seems men who love it will likely still love it and men who aren't into will continue to not be into it. I had one lover who wasn't into it and he happened to have HSV2 himself, so that was clearly not the issue. Edit to add: When I performed oral on the partner who knew he had HSV2, his HSV status never crossed my mind.

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Thanks for the stats on oral and HSV, I never really thought about it other than as another risk factor. This is good info to know!



Back in my early days of this a loooong time ago I definitely allowed myself to be okay with at least 2 different partners who were squeamish, (not to mention treated me in ever so subtle but negative ways after I disclosed). NEVER AGAIN. They both did a number on me emotionally. Heck, one went from wanting a serious relationship and taking me out on wonderful dates, then I disclosed and suddenly he wanted lots of booty calls and emotionally disconnected sex and nothing more. Sadly I allowed that for a month before I was like WTF? I still think that was weird because I read about non-H people afraid to move forward sexually because what if the relationship doesn't work out...well this was one was like; you're not relationship material because you have herpes but I'm going to screw you as much as I can. And I think I felt like i had to accept what I got because, you know I was diseased/flawed/damaged. I think I spent all of my 20's in that state of mind. I was even in a 7 year relationship that should have ended years prior but I recall thinking who else will want me. Then having a few great guys being so open and accepting and very much into me sexually I realized I was not "damaged" goods. Now when I disclose I typically give them a "waiting period" to think things over (something I found I have to enforce because they have immediately said "I still want to be with you"! But if after giving a few days to think about it if a guy who accepts me starts having issues with it I now know I would end it immediately. It hasn't happened anymore but I'm in a better place on not letting someone string me along like that.

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I don't think I have ever kissed a man that I knew had cold sores. I am sure I have though because I have kissed many, just never knew. I think it is a fear of passing it to someone else. I am recently diagnosed, waiting my 3 months to hopefully have less viral shedding before I get back out there!! My hesitation about oral is about my fear of infecting someone else, not what the other person would want to do to me.


I actually cut off contact with a man after my diagnosis, we had never been together but had a lot of dirty talk. He would talk about oral and I think with my concerns - it was just too much!!


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