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Dating two guys, and not disclosed to either

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Hi Everyone!


I normally disclose when dating, (or at least since I've grown up about it all, or so I thought I had until you read further), and now find myself dating an old lover from 16 years ago, and the chemistry is on FIRE!! I ended up sleeping with him, not once, not twice, but thrice, (no condemns) and the part that fears rejection over telling him has reared it's ugly head. I keep telling myself, I am committed to telling him, and then when with him, I can't seem to find the words. I think because he knew me when I was younger, I don't want to change how he sees me, as this young, hot, sexy, horny, fun loving women. Now I feel like I have just dug a hole so deep.


To top things off, about 2 years ago, we were in a social gathering, where he's friend decided it would be "ok" to go through my history on my computer when he asked so innocently to borrow it to check his Facebook. This guy is my love interests best friend. Well, wouldn't you know that there happened to be the "Ultimate Cure to Herpes" guide I downloaded, (which in itself is a load of crap), anyways, his friend even as recently as last week when he was with my love interest started cracking ill coloured jokes about my type of car probably has herpes and so on (while I was on the speaker phone in the car, knowing I could hear him). I feel so embarrassed, and I don't want to admit the truth because his friend has been making fun of herpes and I don't even know if I am in love with my old flame or not... or is it just a wild ride right now.


On to the deeper part of the hole of I have dug. I am also seeing this other guy who is too old for me to have a real future with kids and everything with, but is so damn hot, huggable, fun, sexy and well, a real genuine guy, but because I know there is no future, I feel like disclosing will just end things so abruptly, that I don't want them to end. We've also had sex about three times with a condom... and dammit, it was good. He knows how to pleasure a girl if you know what I mean. Meow!!!


All last night, while watching this movie, I'm thinking, I've got to disclose, and then after the movie it's like "do you want to go upstairs" and I'm nod, yeah... so what do I do?


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So you have already had sex with them and what happens if they end up having an OB? Of course they are going to come back to you 1st unless they are sleeping with others too. Will you continue to deny it forever? I'm just asking because I have not disclosed and haven't had the need to but I don't want to wait forever to find someone. But I am scared as hell to tell anyone so I choose to not have sex.

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Well, I've had H for 18 years now, I've had many partners... Only once have I given it to someone, which didn't end up in an explosion, but we also were never close either and nothing came of it. What I want now is a partner to Trust and is Honest, I know that I have to tell them. I'm thinking of just telling one this week... and see how it goes, because I want to further the relationship with the old flame.


I've just read ALL of the information that Adrial gives you for free download and it is really amazing. I'm seeing that I've already gone through the 5 stages of grief a long time ago - and that I have been disclosing to my partners, and you know things have always gotten better after I told them, because I trusted them and more trust was built so we continued a relationship. I have to remember the end goal, or I am wasting their time and my time.


The stage of Acceptance, I think I am still working through this somewhat. I've been listening to the phone calls provided through Adrian, and I really like the term "normalize" it in my life. I want to actually tell more people so that I don't feel like I am harbouring a secret, and therefore giving it more power by it's silence.


In my day-to-day life, herpes does not bother me. When it really bothers me, is when I am dishonest, and not closely connected to someone. Telling them has always deepened my connection. So, in the past, I would say, "it's not really a big deal," I would say the same today... only I have to now consider their feelings of being hurt because I did not tell them beforehand. I believe that the right framing here is really important. This is a little harder to disclose in this case because I was not honest upfront.


I have learned recently that A LOT of my past behaviours have been because of my beliefs that came about as a result of H and me telling myself a lot of lies. I've convinced myself that I don't love this guy and then I can stop seeing him and move on. But in truth, I have real feelings for him, and I WANT to know where it will go... and there is only ONE way to build a solid foundation, and that is on TRUST.


I will be telling the one guy because I can see him as a potential partner... and the other... I'm going to put the breaks on it, and likely let him go. If anything happens down the road with him, I am going to let him know... because I know that I would want someone to tell me, just so that I don't feel so hurt by betrayal. It is the part of the silence, the secret, that makes it hard. If it is "normalized" by talking about it, and downplaying it, when it's out in the open, that's when life happens.


If I tell him, and he accepts, great, if not, that's ok too, at least I can move forward. Staying stuck on him in my mind really sucks. Besides, there are other obstacles to over come, and we are not through any of them yet.


Herpes is only part of my life, not my whole life. I am enough, I am still an awesome person, with plenty going for me. So, I'm going to let him know, and see where things land. He still has to prove himself as a good partner... and that I am curious to see how it will pan out.

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OP, that’s very irresponsible of you to continue doing what you are doing. We’re all adults and both sides you take precautions and regularly get tested, but imo you’re playing with fire especially with two guys in the picture.

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I agree that what you’re doing is irresponsible and dangerous. Please disclose and let the chips fall where they may. You’re being selfish and this can come back to bite you in the butt later.

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