Need Advice. Just Received “The Talk” - New Relationship with HSV2+ Girl

[Ypcr5129]

Here’s my story. Apologies in advance if this is long winded and full disclosure - This is new territory for me and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little terrified. I’ll do my best to give you the background and the full situation. I’d appreciate your honest feedback and of course your experience.

 

I am (presumably) an H- male but have never been tested. I’m in my late 20s, college educated, good job, never been married, no kids, clean bill of health, etc. I have been sexually active for 10 years and have had about 10 partners in that time. I consider myself to be fairly open minded. I wouldn’t consider myself a germaphobe but maybe I’m just kidding myself. That said, If I’m being honest I would describe myself as having some OCD tendencies which generally make me an “anxious” person. If my research of HSV-2 is any indication, I’ll research the hell out of anything and worry about the little stuff way too much. Education and first hand accounts help me get comfortable but I’ll always have a little what if curiosity in my head. - normal? I don’t know.

 

Now to the real reason I’m here. I met a girl (through a friend) and we hit it off. She’s in her mid 20s. Long story short, we’ve been on a few (3) dates. I really like her. We were starting to get more intimate when she stopped me to have “the talk.” I can’t express how much respect I have for the strength it must have taken to have that conversation with someone new. She has HSV-2, has never had symptoms but it was caught in a blood test when she switched OBGYNs. Has only had 5 sexual partners and doesn’t know when she contracted it. Part of me wishes she didn’t know - ignorance is bliss right? I didn’t ask when she found out but I think I may be the first person she’s had this conversation with (outside of friends, family, and possibly an ex). Luckily, when she told me I had a bottle of wine in my system so I probably looked less shocked. I asked questions, some she knew the answers to, some she said she’d have to research (particularly around if I could get it by going down on her - odd question to ask on a third date!). She left me afterward to think about it and research on my own. I texted her about two minutes after she left to reconfirm to her that 1.) I don’t know what this means to me yet and want to read/research but for what it’s worth I like her and I want to get to know her..I just need to think; and 2.) I think she’s an amazing girl and I don’t ever want her to think she’s less than that because of this. Life happens, this is apparently common and I’m just glad she was open about it. I’m going to see if she wants to grab dinner and have a deeper discussion now that I’ve had some time with it. I think my initial reaction after educating myself is that I’d be willing to take the risk if I thought she was my forever. I definitely like her or I wouldn’t be here, but that’s a hard thing to know after a few dates. Basically, what I’m saying is that if I thought I was going to marry her then it wouldn’t bother me - it would just be a (maybe) minor inconvenience that we could laugh about together. The fear for me is more being sexually active, her or I not “feeling it” 6 months down the road and breaking up after I’ve been exposed. Selfishly, I don’t want get it and have to have the talk with every partner in the future. I’m not that strong. I get why she told me so early - if it’s not something I want to move forward with then neither of us has lost much and can move on with little regret. What I want to suggest is that we continue to get to know one another over the coming months but don’t get physical until we’re very serious. I can see how this situation could actually help us get to know one another quicker. I already know her most embarrassing fact and what better way to open up and have an honest relationship. I think part of this next conversation has to be less around HSV and more what she wants. She was very clear that regardless of my decision, her feelings would not be hurt.

 

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. I’ve read stories, stats, studies, blogs, forums, etc. I understand that the risks will always be there but if managed properly can be less than ~1-2%. I’ve never hit the lotto so I suppose I like those odds. These are my main questions at this point:

 

If you are in an H+/H- relationship - how did you or your partner get comfortable as the H-? I’m assuming it’s normal for me to have some mixed feeling about this given where we are in the relationship?

 

Anyone have a similar experience having the talk with your partner after a few dates? Successes?

 

Should I be tested now? Not that I would hope for this but there’s slim chance I already have it. I would never wish for that but that certainly makes all my questions moot

 

Is my approach/ handling of the situation appropriate? I’m trying to be considerate of how she feels especially because she was so open with me and I think I was the first new partner she’s told

 

How has it effected your sex life? Still have regular oral and vaginal sex? Any precaution outside of condoms for vaginal sex? Do you always use condoms. Has your partner contracted? Have you had kids? ...I don’t want to feel like I need a scrub myself with a bristle pad every time we have sex (ouch)

 

She’s never had symptoms. I do not know if she’s on an antiviral. Does that change anything (I realize with viral shedding she can still spread it)? Do people go through life never getting symptoms or will she eventually have an outbreak?

[RegularGuy]

You should definitely get tested specifically for HSV. It is somewhat common for people to have it and not know it.

Everyone's reaction to the virus is a little different. Some people deal with symptoms every few months, some get 1 out break and then never hear from it again. Chances are, she is somewhere in the middle, dealing with symptoms twice a year is most likely, but not a law.

Symptoms tend to last less than 2 weeks, and this is when transmission is most likely.

It is possible to transmit without symptoms, but it is relatively easy to prevent that. Using condoms is the best way to prevent transmission, but I would recommend combining that with her taking an antiviral medication daily. This significantly reduces risk of transmission.

However, be aware that it is possible to transmit accidentally, despite all precautions. You should consider the implications of that, and take things slow and deliberately.

She definitely cares about your well-being, and values your right to consent!

Knowing this, it will certainly be worth while for you to take the time to get to know her, and to give each other the chance to talk about what is important in relationship. There is a real opportunity for both of you to be very honest and blunt about your goals and expectations!

At very least, you know that she is both courageous and kind. That's a good start!

Be honest with her. Keep doing what you've been doing, be kind and empathic, but keep doing research as long as you need to. And If you decide that her diagnosis will stop you from living the way you want to, and stop you from doing things you want to do, say so. There is nothing us H+ people fear more than having wasted time chasing after someone who will have a panic attack after the first time and ghost when they seemed so sure about things to begin with.

 

I can tell you from my having contracted from my girlfriend who didn't know, after she had tests done which (unbeknownst to her) skipped hsv, then finding out we both had it, it is a minor footnote to a really great relationship. Herpes doesn't make a person any different. It just a thing that isn't that big of a thing. We are compassionate, supportive, passionate, encouraging, and challenge each other to be better people, just like any great couple would.

 

So, if you are planning to date more before you start looking for "the one", and you are afraid of the risk, be honest and say so.

If you think you could see yourself sticking around, Herpes won't ruin things.

If you just don't know, but you want to find out if she's as great as she seems, take the time to learn.

 

 

[IcanOvercome]

I just want to say that I commend you for doing your research & coming here with your questions! I would wish for the same whenever I disclose to somebody.

This post actually brought me a sense of hope.

Best of luck to you both!

[stillstanding]

Ok so let's put a few things in perspective:

Statistics indicate that if you used a condom perfectly there's about a 2% chance of pregnancy - in real life things aren't so perfect so statistics indicate actual effectiveness of about 85% (or a 15% chance that she'll get pregnant).

 

Statistics show that women to man hsv transmission rates, with a condom, are about 5% (without antivirals AND no outbreak). Add antivirals (w/out an outbreak) and the risk goes to 2%

 

I ask you: if you just had sex with a condom would you be worried about her being prego? The statics indicate that you should be more worried about that ;)

[RegularGuy]

It is totally unfair to make remarks which assume he will not contract the virus.

While transmission can be prevented, and in fact, many people with H- partners have avoided transmission in the past, it is still possible.

What is worth pointing out is that if he were to break things off, it should not be over herpes alone.

In point of fact, what he is attempting to determine is whether being with this courageous, kind girl is "worth the risk".

The reality of the situation is that it is up to her to demonstrate honesty, kindness, empathy, thoughtfulness, and all the many other qualities which would make her a good match for this guy.

If he determines that she is genuinely a good match for him, then it is up to him to demonstrate the same.

It's a mutual thing, and both get a choice.

That's what's so profound about him coming here to ask the questions. It's hope for a chance at something really good to happen for both of them!

I recommend that you try to decide whether you would want to stick with her and try to make a meaningful relationship. If that were the case, herpes wouldn't matter one bit.

Short of that, you're really kind of wasting both your time anyway.

[stillstanding]

I agree 100% - I would not wish HSV on anyone

 

There is a risk with everything. The fundamental question is: is the girl worth the risk?

 

A lot of people would say flat out no. The OP seems to think maybe.... which all HSV+ ppl want to hear.

 

My point was there may be other things to worry about.

 

Being on the other side of the coin - I am struggling with the possibility (risk) of infecting a loved one. Being a numbers person I lean on statistics / my compassion makes me question everything.

 

herpes is a dating game changer for everyone

[optimist]

I think you're correct that it is the *knowing* of her status that is creating anxiety here. A significant portion of women with her sex history (5 partners) have genital herpes. It's likely at least a couple of your previous partners had HSV2. While less common among men, statistically speaking, given your age and sexual history, there's roughly a 1 in 5 chance you already have it yourself. But IMHO, the issue for you isn't having it, it's knowing she has it, combined with being generally anxious. And as you said, you are less concerned abut contracting it than you are about how knowledge of contracting it could influence your sex life later.

 

Also, heads-up that she may not feel embarrassed or ashamed. She might or might not. Maybe she expressed to you that she does feel that way. Otherwise, I would not assume that. I personally have HSV2 and do not feel embarrassed or ashamed. I just consider it a result of having been sexually active. It's a very common virus among people who've been sexually active.

 

Nothing wrong with taking things slow in any new relationship, but I'd personally advise avoiding going into it with the intention of waiting several months to get physical due to HSV2. I think that timeline would both affect her self-esteem and put pressure on you if you ultimately feel too anxious to continue. Just my two cents.

 

I'm sorry you've run into this problem. The stigma sucks and not just for those who have it but for those in your position as well.

[optimist]

Separately, I'll answer some of the questions you've asked in your post:

 

> If you are in an H+/H- relationship - how did you or your partner get comfortable as the H-? I’m assuming it’s normal for me to have some mixed feeling about this given where we are in the relationship?

 

I've had partners who did not know their HSV status but assumed they were negative. They were comfortable with it pretty immediately but the reasons varied. Totally depended on their thought process and risk tolerance. Reasons included a belief that I pose less risk than others who don't know their status (I take daily antivirals), the generally low risk of transmission with condoms and antivirals, an overall acceptance that sex includes risk (HSV, HPV, etc.), already having oral herpes so understanding what HSV is and how it works, already having had a partner who knew they had it. Different thought processes for each person.

 

> Anyone have a similar experience having the talk with your partner after a few dates? Successes?

 

Most of these talks I've had have been successful (I might use a different word for it, but I think you are equating success with moving forward, so I'll use it that way). However, I had one talk with someone who felt really exactly as you do. It didn't work out. He could not get comfortable with the risk unless it was going to be a forever thing and it wasn't going to be a forever thing. Like you, he wished I had not tested and did not know his own status or the status of previous partners. He revisited the topic with me a few months later after doing some research and seeing the stats you mentioned (1-2% per year) and thought he might want to try but still wasn't totally sure and still was anxious. That was the key for me. He had educated himself and had taken time and still was anxious. I had to move on at that point. We remained friends.

 

> Should I be tested now? Not that I would hope for this but there’s slim chance I already have it. I would never wish for that but that certainly makes all my questions moot

 

There are pros and cons of testing. I'd think through the various scenarios, keeping in mind you have about a 1 in 5 chance of coming back positive for HSV2 and a greater than 50% chance of coming back positive for HSV1.

 

> Is my approach/ handling of the situation appropriate? I’m trying to be considerate of how she feels especially because she was so open with me and I think I was the first new partner she’s told

 

If you're being honest and respectful, I think that's appropriate. As I said in an earlier comment, I would not assume she is embarrassed or ashamed unless she said this to you specifically. Bigger picture, I'd say that if you still feel very anxious after a little time and education, it's more respectful to allow her to find a partner who is not as anxious about physical intimacy with her.

 

> How has it effected your sex life? Still have regular oral and vaginal sex? Any precaution outside of condoms for vaginal sex? Do you always use condoms. Has your partner contracted? Have you had kids? ...I don’t want to feel like I need a scrub myself with a bristle pad every time we have sex (ouch)

 

It's affected my sex life in that I feel a need to build in a disclosure conversation before intimacy and about 1/4 of those I disclose to are uncomfortable moving forward. The flip side is that I've had disclosure conversations that led to increased bonding because the other person then felt comfortable opening up to me. As for your other questions, I've never knowingly transmitted it, but it's hard to know for sure because most people don't recognize when they contract it. I do use condoms but was in a very long relationship and not using condoms (and had kids) before realizing I had it. No idea if he ever got it or had it from the beginning or what. We're no longer together so it's none of my business. I do have oral and vaginal sex, yes. Oral with no barriers, vaginal with barriers, though I'd be fine going without barriers in a monogamous relationship if my partner wanted that.

 

>She’s never had symptoms. I do not know if she’s on an antiviral. Does that change anything (I realize with viral shedding she can still spread it)? Do people go through life never getting symptoms or will she eventually have an outbreak?

 

Daily antivirals reduce transmission risk by about 50%. They reduce shedding rates by 70-80%. What this means in this girl's case is that if she has been infected for at least a little while now (say at least a year) and she is not taking antivirals and has not had outbreaks, she likely sheds virus about 10% of the time (it is 20% of the time for people with symptoms; these are averages). Taking antivirals would reduce this to 2-3% of the time. That's the amount of time she is potentially infectious, but even then, the risk is very low. To put this in context, people with oral HSV1 shed virus an average of 25% of the time. And yes, 80-90% of people with HSV2 don't know they have it with many never having symptoms and others not recognizing very mild symptoms. The same is true for 70% of people with HSV1.

[asmith88]

Hi! I am seriously going through the exact same thing. I am seeing a guy and we have been on three dates, he told me he was HSV2 positive before our kissing went any farther. I respect him so much for choosing my well being over his sexual interests, and saw what type of man he really was. I can't decide if I should go for it or not. I am scared shitless about contracting an STD, but also don't want to reduce him to just his STD..... we are all human and all have the same chances of getting herpes. 

I would LOVE to know what you decided to do in the end, and how you went about everything. Hopefully you see this post!!!!!