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Told a new guy I carry the herpes virus

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Hi everyone, brand new to the forum but not to HSV2, I have carried the virus for 37 years. Consequently, I’ve had to muster up the courage several times in my lifetime to have “the talk”, and it never seems to get easier. In fact, the older I get the more difficult it is. I was married for 18 years to a man who also had HSV2, and he came forward first, so there was no problem there. Since we divorced 5 years ago I have had to have the talk twice and each time my partner was accepting. Unfortunately, neither one of those men worked out for the long term. Now I met a man online whom I really like and we hit it off beautifully, have been talking on the phone and texting and had 3 wonderful dates. After the last date on Sat., he said he wasn’t dating anyone else and that he really likes me and it seems as though he was alluding to perhaps becoming exclusive. Sunday we talked and texted a couple of times and in our last conversation he mentioned that he had been tested, was clean and has the papers to prove it. I was a off guard a little bit, not planning on having that conversation at that time, I really wanted to speak with him in person about it. But since he had already broached the subject, it was the right opportunity for me to disclose my herpes. He seemed a little surprised at first, asked me some questions, I told him I was managing it with acyclovir, a healthy diet and lifestyle including immune support supplements. It was a bit awkward for a few moments and I basically said it’s not really a huge deal it’s more of a nuisance than anything and that I rarely have outbreaks. I said that if he wanted to have a relationship with me then he would need to deal with this and it was up to him. I said that I understood it was a lot for him to take in right now and that he would probably want some time to chew on it and we could talk about it later. I also said if had any questions I was happy to help him understand better and that he should do his own research as well. I followed up later after the conversation ended with at a text including a link to information re: HSV. Also mentioned to him how much I liked him and that we had a lot in common and were having fun and there was no reason why we couldn’t have a normal relationship but again, it was up to him. He has texted me and called me a few times since then, both Monday and today, we talked for a while mainly about his work, but not about the proverbial “elephant in the room”. I did not bring it up and will not bring it up, I’m waiting for him to say something about it. I’m getting the feeling that he’s just trying to get his head wrapped around it and mulling it over. I do notice, however, that our conversations are now lacking the cute little endearments he was using prior to our discussion on Sunday evening. I had invited him to my house for dinner on Friday, but he hasn’t mentioned that, nor has he asked me out again. After our conversation this morning he said we’d talk later. So now it’s the waiting game. I’m a bit on pins and needles and feeling somewhat anxious. I really don’t want to be hanging here wondering, but there’s not much else I can do at this point.

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He called last night and I asked if he was still planning on coming for dinner on Friday, he said he’s struggling with the whole H thing and wasn’t sure that he was comfortable with it, even though he really likes me. He said he knows I’m hurt and he’s hurting also, and that he’s truly, truly sorry. I said I was hoping for a more favorable response, and that I was sad and disappointed. Then I told him I had to get off the phone. Wished him well.


I texted him later saying: It's unfortunate that you couldn't get past it. We had the beginnings and good foundation for a wonderful relationship. So much in common, so much possibility for a great future together, the chemistry and physical attraction was there and the sex could've been amazing. I'm hurt and saddened that you gave that all away because of your fear of contracting a non lethal, non life threatening manageable virus. And what if you did contract it? What's the worse thing that could've happened? You would do what I do and manage it with meds and keep it suppressed. Many people carry the virus and never even experience an outbreak. I carry the herpes virus like 50 million other people. It's not the plague for Christ sake. You have probably slept with woman in the past who were carriers and didn't even know it. At least I had the courage and cared enough to to be straight up and honest with you. I was really falling for you. So sad it didn't work out. Good luck, hope you find the woman of your dreams.


To which he responded that he was actually still not decided, that he thinks highly of me, just not sure how to go forward and that he agreed with all I wrote.


I responded:


I know it's a lot to think about and absorb. That was not what you wanted to hear. I get that, I wasn't even given the courtesy of a disclosure. I had no choice in the matter. I made the mistake of getting back with an ex I hadn't seen in awhile and a week later found out I had it. He denied it and I never saw him again. That was 37 years ago. I can't make you get over your fear and I understand your not wanting to get it. It's your body and your choice. Chances are slim you would get it because I'm very careful and rarely have an outbreak. However, nothing in life is guaranteed. We take risks every time we walk out the front door and get in the car. I understand your ambivalence and confusion. I'm sure you are hurting too because I believe you genuinely care about me, just not enough to take the risk. That's what's really sad and painful for me.


His response was “I know” and haven’t heard any more from him.


I have a big ache in the pit of my stomach today as I felt we really connected. Glad I found out early on before I invested any more time and energy into it.


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Sorry to hear it did not turn out the way we were hoping! Sending big hugs your way. I would caution you from ever trying to convince someone (re: your follow up texts) of why they should be with you. I think it rarely has the effect on them we hope it will and I think it is harmful to our own self worth. I know your hurting and hoping his response will change because of something you say but it truly has to come from them on their own I think. There are men/women who accept us all the time. Take a few days to regroup and heal. Do something super nice for yourself. And get back out there when you have the strength. If he takes the initiative to insert himself into your life at the level you are wanting then awesome. But otherwise, it just means it may be someone else for you!

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Thank you for your comments. I realize I may have made a mistake with the follow up texts and I see your point. He was just so into me for the past two weeks, calling me 2-3 times a day, texting, wanting to see me a lot, making future plans, etc. all until I dropped the bomb. Then he started backing off. I see that he was not the “one” by his response and subsequent actions. I have already started my healing process and moving on. In fact, this whole experience has prompted me to get further educated about the virus and looking into healing through natural therapies.

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Doing more research, especially as it pertains to the risk factors to new partners is definitely a good plan!

Remember that there are plenty of other people who are as lonely as anyone can get. They are ready for that ideal partner, and you really can't fault anyone for getting excited when they finally meet someone that can honestly check off even one box on the list of needs.

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Well, I know this man really liked me, it was quite obvious he was smitten and like I said all was going well till I told him the news. He just couldn’t/didn’t want to take the risk. I suppose if I had had the choice 37 years ago I may have opted out also, but then again, it’s rare that you meet someone with whom you click on so many levels. We had so much fun together in our brief connection. We were both ready to move forward one day and the next day it all ended. I’m considering an HSV dating site. I can’t take the heartache of much more rejection due to being a carrier, when all my other wonderful qualities are being overlooked.

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Hi again WarriorGoddess,

I think he thought you were fabulous, but herpes was not something he was willing to take the risk for and it brought him to a screeching halt. Like some people have said on here, its pretty impossible to figure out which people are going to not even bat an eye and which are going to do an about face when they find out. For what its worth, hang on to the knowledge that he did think you were fabulous because that quality isn't going away!!!! You just have to connect with the one who can accept this. And seriously they are out there. If you need to try an H dating site to give you some peace of mind go for it. Me and my female friends' personal experience was not good; lots of guys with H aggressively looking for a quick hookup, and usually trying to hook up with all of us in the local area lol! (no offense to any men on these sites who are not, but this was definitely our experience- though I would have loved to meet a relationship oriented man with H) and it actually propelled me to get my "head together" about herpes and get back in the bigger pond and I've never looked back. All of my relationships have been with H negative guys. Was engaged to one until recently and H had nothing to do with our break up.


Oh, consider seeing if there's any H Meetup groups in your area or nearby H social events in your larger region. While I found that most of the guys in the group I was part of were still trying to hook up with all the girls in the group, the actual social support-getting together regularly and being able to talk and laugh freely with men and women going through the same thing really sustained and supported me while I proceeded back out in the dating world. I actually credit that experience to keeping me mentally healthy while newly dating ( I had come out of a long term and was terrified of having the talk again). And funny thing, these groups always seemed to struggle to keep membership because it always seemed to be a matter of time before one person or another was "taken off the market" and stopped coming to meetings!



Lastly, I've learned to approach dating more light heartedly and focus on having fun and dating multiple people. Even when I really click and feel that chemistry I've learned to keep a strong sense of healthy detachment and openness. There's lots of good stuff online and in the self help world about the importance of "not attaching to outcomes" that might be beneficial for you to read. Its a concept that applies to everything in life.


Hang in there!!!!!!!!!

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Thank you for taking the time to write back, LoveTheMountains! I appreciate your advice and words of encouragement. :) I live in a rural area in WA state near a small town with total population, including entire county, of less than 10,000. Needless to say, the dating pool is very limited around here, as you can imagine. I have resorted to online dating as the chances of meeting someone organically are pretty slim, although I’m not counting that option out. Even with online dating, I’m not having much luck; most of my best prospects are at least 45 min to an hour away. After my marriage of 18 years ended, I moved from California to where I am now. Since then I have had two two partners who were not HSV, but both accepted me with open and welcome arms. Unfortunately, after some time together, realized that they were not for the long term as we had compatibility issues. That’s why I am so hurt by this last man bailing out. We did have tons in common, and great chemistry! Like I said, I know he likes me, he’s told me so and said in a recent text that he is torn up inside over this, but has made no effort to call. I made sure he knew what he was missing out on (he’s not a young man, we’re both 60), and at our age it’s hard to find someone who is so compatible. He’s been out there for two years since his divorce and is still looking. It’s just sad that he rejected me, but I’m not taking it personally. I’m am a beautiful person inside and out. He just was not the right one for me. I do a lot of spiritual work, try to stay in the moment and not become attached to outcomes. Not easy sometimes though! lol I also somewhat understand the laws of attraction and asking the universe to send me my perfect mate! Patiently awaiting him and in the meantime spending quality time with my wonderful girlfriends and focusing on doing good things for me! Take care, and thanks again. WG

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You've been accepted before....you'll be accepted again. I love small communities. Currently I'm back living in a big city and having fun with all the easier access to single people but I definitely plan to go back to a small town and I know about the challenges you speak of. Its a tough decision; my quality of life is so much better in small mountain towns. But then there are single men in these towns who feel the same way. Just gotta find each other!!

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Thanks again for your encouragement LTM...I have taken myself off of the the dating sites I was on and focusing on my health and family. A man is really not what I need right now—I’m embarking on a major lifestyle change, gearing up for a full body detox cleanse and transitioning into a raw, vegan diet as a healing measure and will see where it takes me. I need to lose about 20 lbs and will probably not attract the same kind of men I’m attracting now once I reach that goal. All the best to you too, dear! :)

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