Jump to content
  • Want to be a part of a supportive community? Join the H Opp community for free.

    Welcome to the Herpes Opportunity Support Forum! We are a supportive and positive group to help you discover and live your Opportunity. Together, we can shed the shame and embrace vulnerability and true connection. Because who you are is more important than what you have. Get your free e-book and handouts here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

Do I have to tell him?

Recommended Posts

I've not posted before, but I would like some advice. I am probably going to get some stick for this. I found out a year ago I had HSV2. I'm pretty positive it was from the guy I was dating at the time for just over a month. I told him and he was okay with it. He'd been exposed to it quite a lot before apparently. We continued dating for about 5 months and then called it a day. He's never had an outbreak and doesn't think twice about the fact he might have it. His STD tests come back clear....but then so do mine of course because they don't test for Herpes.


So here's my issue. Because I know I have it, I'm now expected to have to tell each guy I want to sleep with and made to feel shit if they go running because society has made it such a 'bad' thing. No one seems to have a problem with cold sores, and it's exactly the same virus.


Doctors don't test for it without symptoms in the UK because of the psychological issues it entails, but because of this my ex for instance just keeps going around spreading it further while those of us who then know have to bare the burden.


Here's my issue now. I have slept with a few guys and not told them because they were just a random one-nighter. I know people will think 'how could she' but if not me, they'd sleep with another girl who doesn't know she has it and be more likely to get it that way. I know I have it. I take acyclovir to control it, and I am very careful about using condoms (always have been but here we are anyway). I feel the guy is less likely to get it from me, then the next girl who doesn't know they have it.


My dilemma...one of these guys could be turning into something more. We've been on a handful of dates now and its going really well. 99% of me tells me I have to tell him, however, a small thought keeps popping into my as in, do I though. I don't want to be 'the girl with herpes'.


Has anyone else been through this and can you share your thoughts on it? Thanks


Link to comment

Oh gosh what to say to this? The fact is when I read these postings it does sound like a person asking for permission and justification from the group of "why I should be able to get away with it". And the very fact that a person is seeking this validation from the group should be a clue as to how you really feel inside. A few points i'd like to make;


1) you never know when you are shedding and can pass it with meds and condoms (I've passed it despite taking precautions and thankfully when that happened my partners were fully aware and made the decision on their own. I still felt some guilt but I can't even imagine the guilt and shame if I had not told them).


2) People have a right to be given a choice. Even if your giver wasn't mature enough to do so for you (assuming he knew). While for most of us with HSV will be a minor blip in our lives, several people on here have discussed having health issues, especially autoimmune issues that HSV can be detrimental to. I just posted last night about some significant side effects I'm having due to a medication Dr's prescribed after a bad bout of asthma; the med suppresses your immune system to relieve bronchial inflammation...what a relief and no big deal right? Well because I have HSV and the med suppressed my immune system HSV is able to take hold and wreak some havoc on me right now. And I'm a lucky one, this issue will resolve soon as I have a normal immune system but what for those who don't?


3) Next, you mentioned one of the guys is turning into something more. You are always going to find yourself in that position if you continue to not disclose. And then you'll always be back in the same boat of being torn between disclosing after the fact- which often doesn't go well (no surprise there), OR continuing to "live the lie" and be eaten up by guilt, OR do things to sabotage the relationship so you don't have to face it. I've read lots of posts by people who talk about having to wiggle out of budding relationships with someone they really like because they didn't start by being honest up front, which is heart breaking! Who knows what could have been?


Adrial and many other people on here have written very eloquently and correctly about the intense and amazing self growth, bonding, and intimacy people miss out on if they don't have the "talk". I can attest to that myself. My situation is a little different in that my fears of telling a prospective partner were so strong I wasted years of my life by sabotaging potentially good relationships (pre-sex) because I was so terrified to tell. Once I finally did start having the talk I had such amazing experiences of closeness and bonding (even when we didn't go forward with the relationship) that I wish I had never been so afraid.


You said you "don't want to be the girl with herpes" but the fact is you ARE a girl with herpes. Doesn't make you bad or dirty. Actually makes you pretty common like the rest of us! Once you accept that you have this you open yourself up to so much more possibilities and wonderful personal growth.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...