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Disclosing in a Long-Distance relationship

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Sorry if this has been discussed before, but I couldn't find a solid answer/recommendation.


TL;DR: Is it better to tell someone about H before they make effort to visit you or to wait to tell them in person?


I'm a 29-yo female with HSV 1. I recently met a great guy on Tinder, also 29, who lives a two-hour drive away from me. Last weekend, I went to visit him and we really hit it off. The H didn't come up because I was clear that I didn't want to have sex on our first meeting. Since then, we've been communicating regularly and he seems really into me. He already invited me to his family's Easter! He is coming to visit me this weekend, and even though I still don't plan to have sex with him because I like to take things slow, I feel that given our mutual attraction and the fact that we're both looking for long-term partners, it's fair to tell him sooner rather than later so we both don't get hurt.


I've read that it's better to tell someone in person (even though we're millennials who do everything over text). But if it's a dealbreaker, I'd feel bad that he drove all the way down here.


Should I tell him before he makes the two-hour drive to stay with me this weekend? He works a night shift so we only have time for quick phone chats... these are my options:


1. Tell him over text today (easiest for me, but probably not ideal)

2. Ask him to call me before he leaves to visit on Friday (awkward? He'd be mulling it the whole drive and could psych himself out instead of getting facts from me)

3. Wait til he gets here and find a "right time" in person.


What would you do, and what would you prefer on the receiving end?


Thanks in advance. I appreciate the community here!

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Hi there, not sure what other's opinions are on this. For me I am only comfortable telling in person. I had a similar situation years ago, only with maybe a little more guilt built up about it. I had met someone in the military while he was on 2 week leave in the town I lived in. He was stationed over 1000 miles away. I was not at a point during those 2 weeks where I was ready to disclose as I was still getting to know him and not sure how I felt or if I'd even see him again. But our relationship quickly progressed after he went back to his base and a month later he offered to fly me out to visit him. I was super torn about this because I was afraid I might not only be wasting his time but also his money (plane ticket). After much deliberation I decided that dating is filled with risk; we did not know each other well enough and our visit could be a disaster for many reasons or we could discover we were not a good fit for MANY reasons not just HSV. But I did fly down there fully prepared to offer to pay him back for my ticket if his reaction was not positive. And also mentally prepared for a negative reaction in general including him feeling angry at me for "wasting" his time. Long story short he was afraid I was going to break up with him when I disclosed! Hope this helps...

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I'm struggling with the same issue at the moment. I have been talking with a guy who lives in a different country to me... He is also an ex from before I had my first outbreak so that makes it even more complicated as we had sex previously. I won't see him probably for a while, it's nothing serious at the moment, just talking and a bit of sexting, but I do feel a bit of guilt every time we're talking because I don't know if I'm leading him on. I would hate to lead someone on and potentially get feelings for them and then disclose and it's a deal breaker... This will be my first disclosure and tbh I'm just really scared for so many reasons

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Thanks for the replies! I asked a male friend who knows I'm H+ what he would prefer, and his thought was that he would prefer to have time to think about it without me being there in person, and since we already knew we were attracted to each other, it was likely that things could get hot and heavy before I found my moment to reveal, so might as well get that out of the way.


So I did! I drafted up a long text, had it proofread and edited, and then sent it off! Here's the text:

"I want to tell you something sooner rather than later...I have hsv-1, aka herpes. If you aren't familiar with it, I can tell you more about it, no question is off limits, but long story short, it is an STD and there is a 3-4% chance that you could catch it from me. It's not a big deal in my life and I'm on suppressive medication, but I like and respect you, and I want to be upfront about it before our relationship progresses any further so you can make an informed decision about how you want to proceed. I'd rather have told you in person, but you deserve the truth now and I think it's fair to tell you before you visit me."


Phew! What a terror. This was his response:


"I appreciate you telling me. Honestly, it doesn't change the way I feel about you at all. that is such a small thing that doesn't even come close to outweighing everything that is awesome about you."


Now, this guy is super easy-going and laid back, so can't promise the same results with everyone, but as nerve-wracking as it was, telling someone in person was far more painful, so I recommend early reveals.

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