Disclosing to a long time friend who now in a 4 month relationship

[jma031964]

Hi everyone. I have been in a 4 month relationship with someone who I have known for 30 years. I think we are at the step where the relationship could move to one of intimacy. I am having a real struggle with disclosing my HSV1 situation to her thinking that I have waited too long to tell her and what her reaction might be. Now, we have not been intimate but have shown affection towards one another with kissing and light petting, but nothing at all that has approached intimacy.

 

Because we have known each other for so long, we have told each other that we love each other which is wonderful. I clearly see a long term relationship, but I fear that I should have mentioned earlier in our relationship.

 

Also, we have both been divorced twice and my first wife of 15 years contracted HSV from me despite taking precautions. I know that will come up as well and I want to be honest and forthcoming on all fronts. I have had the disclosure conversation with 4 relationships since I was diagnosed when I was 25 years old and all have been accepting. I am now 54. For some reason, this conversation seems different.

 

Looking for insight. Thank you.

[RegularGuy]

Now, I can't speak to every situation. but I will point out that generally when you are beyond the stage of being fooled by mistaking physcal attraction for love, you probably know what you are looking for. For a couple who has learned many lessons, I would assume that you both are at a stage where you value honesty in both presentation of your wants as well as who you are at your core.

So, what does herpes even matter? Probably very little.

However, I understand your anxiety. It's a big deal to be faced with needing to be respectful of the other person's right to consent, but also to fear they will pack up and run.

Coming here and discussing your situation with this community already demonstrates a great deal of courage and kindness. Follow through and disclose to this person.

You obviously have invested a lot of effort and care to bring your relationship to this point. Don't throw it away by keeping this a secret, only to have guilt ruin a potentially wonderful thing.

I can assure you that if you don't disclose, you will not be able to enjoy all of the good things that relationship could provide.

It sounds like you've been doing all the right things so far, keep doing right and you will be afforded the chance for something really great!

[jma031964]

@RegularGuy Thank you for your thoughts. My fear is that she will think I have waited too long to tell her. I just wanted to make sure we got to really know one another on a different level than our long time friendship.

 

We are at a point of taking our relationship to another level and really want to eliminate the elephant in the room that tends to hang over my head. I have had 4 successful disclosures in the past. I don't want to lose this one...she's a real keeper! The unknown that is out there when disclosing is what is causing the anxiety.

 

 

[jma031964]

@regularguy I have only been on this site for almost 2 months. I am still dating the same person but have still not disclosed. The anxiety is so high that she is going to run for the hills. We still have done nothing to put her at risk and the more research I have done, the anxiety continues to climb. As I mentioned before, I have successfully disclosed in the past but this feels so different. Looking for more insight. I’ve lived with this for 29 years and have never felt this way before.

[RegularGuy]

The longer you put it off, the worse it will be for your anxiety.

Worse for your sense of right.

 

You've got to gather up your courage and do this. Avoiding a situation you know is inevitable is foolish. You know you're either going to disclose, or you're going to fail to do so and suffer the backlash.

You are actively sabotaging yourself by putting this off.

 

You deserve to have an awesome relationship.

You deserve to be accepted, admired and appreciated. Not just for how you guardedly present yourself, but for what you are entirely.

You are stopping that from happening by being timid and letting fear make decisions for you.

It won't get you what you deserve, it'll only get you some temporary comfort if you keep the issue hidden.

Have some self respect and see how valuable you are. You have so much good to offer someone who is really special. Go freaking get it. It's waiting.

And don't try to fool yourself into thinking she hasn't picked up on the fact that you're withholding some secrets. Likely, some good and some not so thrilling. But you're going to have to het past the difficult part so you can get to the good stuff.

[jma031964]

I understand completely and agree 100%. My plan is to have our talk after Mother’s Day since since we have a family function that day. Obviously, I don’t want to put any kind of damper on this weekend for her. It will get done...I’ve made that decision. Thank you.

[jma031964]

Can this still be done the right way to her and not like I have mislead her in any way?

[RegularGuy]

Your explanation is far less important than the act of making the disclosure.

She will recognize your need to explain your withholding this information as exactly what it is. While she may or may not understand the kind of inner conflict you have endured in your effort to try to build a meaningful relationship, she will at least recognize that you are trying your best.

 

If your best effort isn't good enough, then that's that.

[jma031964]

@regularguy Good morning. I have gone back and read your initial comment regarding my situation and the fact that I have not disclosed in a relationship of over 7 months. I just want you and everyone to understand that I have never and would never have sexual intimacy with anyone without disclosing.

 

I have disclosed to all my partners in the past prior to sexual contact that would put them at risk. Now, with my current relationship, I have spoken to others regarding how I am not quite sure about my approach and length of time my current partner and I have been together. Some feel that waiting is a great idea and the only reason to disclose is when you are ready to move to a more intimate level.

 

For two friends that have known each other for so many years, taking the next step to sexual intimacy (sexual intercourse) is a huge step in our relationship that could be a path of no return if our relationship does not work out like we hope. Losing a friendship and what we have had for so many years is a risk we both decided to take so off on this journey we went.

 

I do believe that our relationship has moved to a point where we love each other much differently now. In prior relationships, I always felt like I was forced to disclose before truly knowing that person intimately. Then, once that person accepted my disclosure, I did everything in my power to stay with that person even if deep down, I knew that the relationship was not quite what it was supposed to be. Basically, I found myself settling as a result of the acceptance and truly believe it resulted in two failed marriages....one of 15 years and another of 3+ years.

 

I don't want that again. My partner and I have grown to really "know" each other on a different level without sex in the picture. In a sense, I think that is pretty special. When she says that "I get her better than anyone" makes me feel like waiting to disclose is not a horrible idea in a relationship. I am not hiding anything or lying about anything...there is no pressure to be more intimate than we are or have been. Yes, I will be disclosing to her and it will take place very soon.

 

I just wanted to make sure that this is not coming only from a point of fear of rejection but one that I hope will allow us as a couple to handle the disclosure in a better way.

 

Thank you for the support you have given to everyone in this community.