Feeling guilty cos I feel like I have wasted his time

[Miss_ph]

Hi everyone,

 

I have recently disclosed and got rejected. I know I did the right thing, but a part of me feels a bit guilty for not disclosing earlier. I didn't have sex with him but I guess the guilt comes from thinking that I should have disclosed earlier and not wasted his time in getting to know me. This is the wrong way of thinking, and I KNOW this, but I can't help it and I just want to share it in this community, as I have learned that sharing my pain and experiences can be liberating and just a weight off my chest.

 

So I started talking to this guy from Tinder in November. He actually came to my house and helped me put my letterbox in the ground as I told him I needed to get it done. He went to the store to buy a shovel and cement before coming to mine, and I was so impressed cos he did all this before even meeting me. Nothing happened, we hung out and watched a movie. He came by once more after that and again nothing happened we just chilled. I was ok with all this cos I was only diagnosed 2 months before and even though I liked him, I forced myself to be content to have a nice genuine guy as a friend. We lost contact for a bit cos he ended up seeing someone, but after that didn't work out, we hung out again couple more times. Each time we would be more touchy, like snuggling while watching movies but not making out or anything like that. The fifth time he came over we actually made out and a bit more but no sex. At this point I knew I wanted to see him again and that I would tell him about herpes since I knew there would be more making out and that eventually this might lead to sex.

 

So when I told him after the makeout sess, he listened and didn't run out the door or anything, but straight out said that it would always be in the back of his mind, that he couldn't do a relationship but definitely friendship. The thing is, I always felt that I was more invested in him than he was invested in me. And I think that even if without the herpes disclosure, he might have said no to relationship because he had said when I first met him that he was content being single and that he did not want casual sex or one night stand. So I think maybe without the herpes, maybe we would have been FWB, or maybe we would have eventually started dating, or maybe nothing would have happened and things would fizzle out. Who really knows it's all what ifs. I really liked him though, and so even though I think herpes has been a good wingwoman here, I can't help feeling like I have lost out on a possible dating opportunity as well.

 

My thing now is that I feel like I wasted his time and I should have told him earlier. Like maybe the 4th time we saw each other when there was cuddling but no making out. And now I'm questioning myself for future dates as to when I should say something. It's all so hard to figure out, and even though I'm still on dating apps I have half a mind to delete my profile and concentrate on being single and happy for now. But I'm so lonely and I want to find that special someone. Herpes has made me reevaluate my life, my choices and my self value

It's all still a work in progress, but some days I'm just so sad that I'm alone and I have real doubts about whether I would find my lifelong partner. Anyway, that is all I wanted to say as I needed to vent. Right now I just need to rebuild that courage for the next time I have 'the talk'.

[LoveTheMountains]

Hi Ms_ph,

I think your gut is probably telling you something (when you explained that he gave you the feeling that maybe he was not as into it as you were) and there is nothing unusual about this- herpes or no herpes. Its interesting, the situation we are in...in our heads sometimes H is the overriding explanation for everything that is happening in our dating life but then I listen to all my single friends/coworkers/relatives/random strangers that talk to me about their love lives and its apparent that relationships and dating is complex and complicated FOR ALL!

 

I've learned to remind myself that no matter what the reason for a person changing their mind, drifting away, losing interest etc., the worst thing I can do is waste time analyzing what happened or obsessing over the person. And that applies to "normies" too. Glad you are coming here to vent and hash things out.

 

I understand what you are saying about loneliness. Interestingly a few months ago I stumbled on a book called "Lonely" that exams the state of loneliness in the world today- fascinating book! And I started googling "loneliness" and there are tons of articles and blogs about this now. There's also a lot being written about the lonely epidemic and its tragic health consequences among men in the US/Canada and Europe. As a woman this was shocking and eye-opening to me because I always thought it was us women that were struggling with being lonely while men lived happy go lucky lives. Guess what, we are (sadly) becoming a lonelier and lonelier society. However, just having this new knowledge that I am not alone in my loneliness was incredibly helpful and also propelled me to make better efforts at creating quality relationships all around me. It also made me more sensitive to other's loneliness that no one is talking about and I'm more apt to speak to strangers now and straight up ask a random person who looks miserable if they are okay or if they'd like to talk. It might sound weird, (and it can feel weird too haha) but its amazing what has come of these little connections. We need more of it today. The happy side effect is reaching out to people has helped quell some of the loneliness in me that I have for a relationship. Which I think makes me more emotionally healthy and even-keeled when dating.

 

Anyway, keep working on yourself and reading here and you'll figure out when is the best time for you to disclose. I personally have found a "sweet spot" of about after 2-4 dates depending on how its proceeding. But there's been some exceptions to this both sooner and much later.

 

 

[Miss_ph]

Thank you for your lovely response @LoveTheMountains. I think the hard thing is to stop the what-ifs. I can say that I had a feeling things might not have worked out with this guy but I can't be a 100% sure because I will never know what would have happened if I don't have H. A big part of me thinks that what is meant to be will happen, so I just have to believe and be positive. Your words about reaching out to people who you think might be sad or lonely struck a chord with me, and I think if I can make someone's day or ease someone's pain, that's a blessing and a process to love myself and those around me more. So thank you :)

[Sothisislife]

I've definitely been feeling the same way recently. I started talking to this guy from Tinder about 3 weeks ago. My life has been so hectic and crazy the last month and going into next month, I explained my schedule and he is very understanding and willing to be patient to meet, so instead we text almost every day. A part of me feels guilty. I didn't ask for him to be patient and wait, but I am allowing him (and I) to become more invested by talking so often. My fear is that we go on our date eventually, I disclose, he chooses it's not something he can move forward with, and is ultimately upset I "led him on" for going on 5-6 weeks. At what point should someone disclose when only talking on the phone and over text? I feel like if he isn't okay with it I'm just wasting both our time.

[Miss_ph]

Hey @sothisislife I think maybe you need to at least wait for one date to see if there is actual chemistry between you two. I have found that text/msg connection sometimes doesn't translate to real life chemistry. And you never know he may be talking to other women as well (if he still has tinder profile chances are he is, but I could just be cynical lol). Do you think you're becoming emotionally invested from the daily texts? If you are, I would suggest making time for that date asap so that you can see if he is someone you could be interested in. If he is, then disclose before or on second date. That's what I would probably do because if he can't accept you, then at this stage it is easier to move on for yourself and him also. Although I guess some people would say that the connection is not strong enough at this stage and therefore making it easier for him to walk away. I guess it's a personal decision, but after my experience I think I would disclose earlier rather than later. This could change in the future but right now I still feel like I was a bit of a fraud and I don't like it.