Giving H to our partners

[jma031964]

I am in the process of a 5 month relationship with someone who I have been friends with for well over 30 years. We both have been married twice previously. It is almost time for the disclosure conversation and I know that I have to be honest about my previous relationships and how unfortunately, both contracted HSV from me.

 

I was married to my first wife for 13 years and have a beautiful 14 year old daughter. Prior to any intimacy (early 90's), I shared with her my story and that I was HSV positive and that it was important that she knew the risks going into the relationship. At that time, there wasn't as much information on HSV and the Internet was really not available for additional research. We used a condom for our first intimate experience and I had no signs of an outbreak and nothing visible. And....would'n't you know it, she contracted HSV after our first intimate experience. I was crushed that this happened, but we stayed together, married and unfortunately divorced in 2005.

 

I was in a couple of long term relationships since and each time, I had the disclosure conversation. I took anti-viral for suppression and neither of those two relationships resulted in transmitting HSV to those partners.

 

In 2012, I connected with a person I knew for some time. We dated for 2 years, I had the disclosure conversation with her as well prior to any intimacy. During our relationship, I used suppressive therapy and always used a condom until she requested that we not use one despite knowing the risks associated with that. Condoms made her uncomfortable and caused irritation for her.

 

I was taking other medication during our marriage for stress/anxiety related stuff as a result of a highly stressful career in sales. In 2016, my wife asked that I try to not to take any medication since she was not a fan and thought I could address in other ways via more exercise, running (which I am now an avid runner), etc. We had a miscommunication in that I thought she meant to gradually work my way off all medication, including my suppressive therapy. She had tested previously that she was exposed to HSV1 since her family had common condition with oral cold sores, but never had any outbreaks herself. I never completely stopped the suppressive therapy but was probably reducing my dosage to every other day then increased the number of days between my daily dosage. That only lasted for 2 months then I went back on the normal daily dosage after we discovered our miscommunication.

 

Move to 2016 and our marriage did not work out for a number reasons. After our divorce was final, she called to notify me that she had tested positive for HSV, was not at all happy and blamed my reduced dosage intake over those two months. We had minimal intimacy during that time with no outbreaks. I think I experienced one minor outbreak in our 4 plus year relationship and that was during our first year together. We were not intimate during that time. But again, I was crushed that this happened.

 

Long story short, passing this to two partners has had a huge impact on me emotionally and has actually made feel worse when I contracted HSV myself. Now, I need to disclose and I know the question about past partners will arise. I've had HSV for 29 years and have been honest and forthright with everyone prior to any intimate experiences. This will make my disclosure conversation more complicated and not sure how it will turn out.

 

Looking for thoughts and advice.

 

 

[Lifegoesonn]

First breath, you disclosed that’s the point of disclosure u did the right thing the second woman told u to not use condoms and lay off

The medication and she knew the risks , I got hsv with a condom as well , I know if you build your immune system up it’s fights the virus better so eat immune system boosting foods like yogurt the shedding suppose to be less over the years as well

[Birdsandbutterflies]

If they had previous partners before you. It could have been any one prior to you because the virus can lay dormant for years without an outbreak.

but whether it was you or not who gave it to them

I think you are being way too hard on yourself. It's not your fault, I think release that burden.

Both your previous partners were informed before hand and they knew the risk.

Basically if one has sex with someone there's always the risk, The virus is so common it's ridiculous.

 

A couple of months back I tested positive for hsv2 After having my ever first lesion.

It was a shock as me and my hubs are monogamous past 15 years. And he's never had signs. So I figure I got it from previous partners in past or husband is asymptomatic. He's not got tested.

It's a sneaky little virus for sure.

 

I wish you well With the disclosure. I think you can't say for definite though that your previous wives contracted the virus from you if they had intimate relationships prior to you. And you said your second wife was exposed to hsv1. There's just no way of knowing for definite unless they were virgins.

 

What type do you have?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[jma031964]

@birdsandbutterflies What type? Another interesting tidbit. I contracted HSV orally when I was 25 years old and all the doctors diagnosed HSV1. I had a blood test this past summer and wanted to just make sure on all fronts if that was correct. I was positive for both HSV1 and HSV2. And the hits keep on coming even after 29 years!

[Birdsandbutterflies]

Hi again, that is rough.

I read that they can become less frequent as time goes on. I know I read that is important to build immune system up and keep away from certain foods and drink. And there's herbal timctures and supplements that may help. But as you're a long time veteran you probably know all of that. And have tested it all.

I wish there was more that could help. I don't know myself what my future may hold. My recent and first outbreak was mild but awful enough for me not to ever want one again. I think it's a horrible virus. So painful. I see it far more than just a skin rash as some describe and down play it.

I wish you all the best with everything and hopefully one day your outbreaks will just cease.

[jma031964]

@birdsandbutterflies I'm sorry I should have shared. I seriously have had may be one outbreak in the past 4-8 years so outbreaks are under control at this stage.

[Birdsandbutterflies]

Oh ok. That's good to hear.

[LoveTheMountains]

I agree with lifegoeson; you did your part and disclosed, they chose to take that risk. All relationships have risks of many kinds. I took passed it to too partners (one after a year of using condoms always and one after 2 years of using antivirals). It can happen but my exes knew going into it and will have to come to terms with that if its an issue for them. I've disclosed this to partners since then as well. It always make it clear that nothing is 100% foolproof. I think we all make those types of decisions because we truly want to believe this will work out. But there are no guarantees. We just go through life making the decision that seems right to us with the information we have and are feeling at the time. You cannot be responsible for their 2nd guessing and regrets of their decisions. Best of luck to you with the new woman!

[Username]

@birdsandbutterflies, my story is so similar to yours. I had what appeared to be a genital herpes outbreak. I had a visual diagnosis but tested IgG and IgM negative. So either it's not herpes or it's a recent exposure and I just hadn't had time to build antibodies. I've been with my husband monogamously for 15 years and neither of us have ever had any symptoms orally or genitally. The assumption is that if I do have HSV I had to have gotten it from him and that would, of course, make him an asymptomatic carrier. He never went to get tested and I never went back to get a confirmation IgG test because neither of us really care.