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I can't do the herpes talk!

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I was diagnosed with genital herpes type one a little over a year ago. I haven't had an outbreak or any symptoms since my initial one. I have recently started hanging out with a new guy, he's smitten with me! (Never thought that would happen again) but anyways I would love to start a relationship with him but I CANNOT tell him. I just can't do it. Why out of every girl would he choose to be with me- the one with an STD? I don't know if I should just cut him off, and save myself some embarrassment. Try to have a relationship without sex? It's hard enough to find a decent person my age (19) but now it's a whole new ballgame.

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Breathe my dear. I totally get where you're coming from. You don't need to rush anything right now. Take some time to get to know this guy, build some trust and you will find the words to tell him. You are a beautiful, amazing young lady and he can obviously see that. Don't just assume that he will not accept you - all of you. Assume that he will appreciate your honesty, your trust in him and your integrity. You are already proving who you are as a person by telling him - you are a person who values him, trusts him and has his best interests foremost in your mind. What is not to love about that? In dating we all have preferences. Some people don't date people who smoke, or who are taller than they are or who have kids. People will make decisions on a partner for a variety of different reasons. Herpes is just a thing that is part of who you are. Don't let it become "WHO YOU ARE". You are not herpes. You are a lovely human being with a gorgeous heart who is truly deserving of love. You can do this. :)


Brenda xo

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Brenda I love your response and totally agree that you should get to know him and the then you will be able to tell him. I'm dating a new guy and I haven't disclosed yet but I will have to eventually especially if the relationship moves into the next phase. So I know how it feels to want to keep what we have to ourselves but we have to be responsible for ourselves and others. Sending uplifting vibes your way :)

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Thanks Jassabell. And all the best with your new beau. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous and a tad stressed when I meet someone new, anticipating The Talk. But I am finding it does get easier the more confident I become and the more I learn to love me, all of me. You will both do well. Herpes is a great way to prove your own character and also to see what the other person is made of. I have to say, it's saved me a ton of heartache by letting my heart decide before my brain shows up. Herpes has forced me to bring my brain along and it's been the best thing to ever happen to me. :) Let us know how it goes!!


Love and light,


Brenda xoxo

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Why do you berate yourself like this, D? I've met you. I've talked with you. I know you. You are more than a virus. You have a huge heart. You are the princess who helps children. Do you remember that person inside yourself? Do you still see her? Stop putting yourself lower than herpes. You are taking your own power and beauty away. Remember that. No one else can do that but you.


Here's the tough love for you: You're enough. You're beautiful. I promise. I know it. And YOU know it, too. You found it within yourself. You've just seemed to forget it again.


You're lovable. So lovable. Remember that. Why would he want to be with someone with an STD? Because that someone is you. He wants to be with YOU. Why are you even considering that you would need to cut off someone who's smitten with you? Why are you considering a sexless relationship? Because you're afraid of rejection. Because you don't believe in yourself. Why have you convinced yourself of all this? Why do you dwell on all the imaginary negatives instead of seeing all the truth of your beauty?

Note: This is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis.
I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

It's soo hard! To find the good in all of this, I just feel awful, like I'm gonna lead him on just to tell him my "deal breaker". It's been a whole year since my diagnosis. When does it get better? Thank y'all for your comments! I agree with everyone but I guess it's hard for me to believe that a 19 year old college boy would be okay with the H. I remember feeling so great after I attended the seminar, but it seems like slowly all my initial emotions are coming back to me. I guess it just takes time, but I'm sure tired of waiting..

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Hey D. I just want you to know, I'm completely in the same boat as you. I'm only 22, single (and endlessly looking lol) and although I've only had a couple people that I was dating that I have disclosed to so far, I promise it gets easier! Believe me, I have my days, and the stress surrounding dating and how and when to tell someone, and who is worth telling, still continues to be a struggle to me. It will be 3 years this August since my diagnosis (wow, that's the first time I even thought about the timeline of this for me) and my first year and a half or so after my diagnosis was my GREATEST struggle, and I couldn't even pull myself together enough to try and date ha so at least you're showing strength in ways you don't even know.


I don't know you, but the fact that you're even here on this site tells me you're probably an amazing, honest, caring girl that will be a total catch to the one who is worth it. I like to think of my HSV as my second brain when it comes to dating, it helps me consciously weed out the ones that have good intentions and are worth my time against the ones who can't see past the HSV and just see me and love me for ME, not what I have. You are not your diagnosis, you are a beautiful human just like everyone else. And the kind of guy you want to keep in your life will see that :)


Hope this helps in the least bit. Stay strong, stay amazing <3

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