I'm worried I'll never be able to have sex again because of herpes

[Herpesaurasrex]

So I've had HSV2 for about 9 months, I'm single from my sons father, the man who gave it to me, and I fear I will never be able to enjoy sex again. I know sex isn't really necessary, but a month before I had my son I had just lost my virginity. So I'm interested in meeting other people, not casual sex, that's just not me. I'm more of the old fashioned relationship type haha. I just need some advice. Some days I'm confident and feel like, "Oh, I'll find someone!" then at other times I feel like "Man, I'm gonna be single for the rest of my life, and raise my son alone." I'm a beautiful person and I should be grateful that I don't have anything worse than what I have contracted but some days I just have a hard time dealing with it. Thanks for reading guys, looking forward to comments

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Hi Herpesaurasrex, :) What you are feeling is the exact same feelings many if not most of us have had. Some days are great - this is just a skin condition, I am a great person, nothing can stop me. Other days when we are feeling insecure, we wonder if we'll ever have another relationship again and would ANYONE EVER want to be with us. Totally normal. Just go with it my dear and know that those are normal fears and if it weren't herpes, it might be something else - too tall, too heavy, too thin, too smart, too young, too old, too something. Herpes is just something we can focus on and use as an excuse to be less than. Don't buy into it. And yes, it is a reality we all have to deal with and no, not everyone is going to accept it. But then not everyone is going to accept a lot of things - people who smoke, people with kids, people who aren't a certain IQ or social class, people who don't like animals, etc. See this as an opportunity to grow and to be choosy in who you let in to your world. You are obviously a woman who knows what she wants and is looking for someone of substance and who wants a real relationship. Herpes won't take away from that. In fact, I know in my case, it has helped me to weed out the one who aren't right for me and also it proves the characters of the people who I choose to keep in my life. Never lose sight of the amazing person you are and don't let this virus convince you that you are any less of a person than you were before its arrival. You are still that wonderful, loving, caring, faithful person you were before. And good for you for reaching out. You will see by connecting with people on this site that you are in good company. There are some absolutely amazing people out there and some of them happen to have herpes and how lucky we are to have an opportunity to meet and come together!!

 

Much love,

Brenda xoxo

[sjj238]

Herpesaurasrex, I am new to this, about two months in, and I feel exactly the same way. Sometimes all in one day. "I'm a kind and caring person, there's someone out there for me who will accept me and love me anyways" to "I made a huge mistake. If I can't ever forgive myself for That Night, how will someone else love me."

 

I've found some great and supportive people on here, including WhoopsiDaysi. She always knows how to make me feel a bit more optimistic :) I'm working on finding a therapist because this whole H thing has brought out a lot of negative feelings and emotions that I'm having a VERY hard time dealing with. But I think that coming here and asking for help is HUGE and a great step. I've found this community to be very kind and helpful. I joined another site before this one and this one is filled with many positive people and positive outlooks compared to the other. I hope you feel better soon. Everything happens for a reason and we're all here for you if you need anything! :)

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Thanks sjj. :)

 

And as you said sjj, we all go through that - one day we feel great, wonderful and the next day we have doubts. But that is just how life is. If we didn't have herpes, we wouldn't be walking around in eternal bliss. We would still have good days and bad days. Still have days of self-doubt, wondering if we will ever find someone to love us or wondering if our life is going to come together as we hope. It's just that now we have herpes to grab on to and say "that" is why I can't. It's like the elephant in the room and a good excuse to feel like crap. Don't let the herpes humdums get to you.

 

We are all in this wonderful boat together to love and support each other through the valleys and celebrate our mountains. I think as Adrial has said many times, if we can just accept where we are and allow ourselves to feel whatever we feel in that moment, without judgment, that feeling will heal and it will pass. Don't think "I shouldn't feel this way" and then either judge the hell out of yourself or try to run away. The fact of the matter is you do feel that way. But in a moment, you could feel another way. Just let it pass and don't give those negative feeling so much attention and so much power but do listen to what they might have to say to you. Maybe there are things your scared self is trying to get you to hear.

 

Lots of love,

 

Brenda xoox

[sjj238]

I never thought about it that way..to blame the reason I won't find someone on herpes, when either way, I still may or may not meet some one. I guess I just feel that I had an ok chance before H to meet someone, but now that I have it, it's way down. But I'm very lucky to have found such a great support group and that my sister is very supportive and doesn't get sick of my roller coaster of emotions. She says that I'm doing really well considering what's going on and that it's only been 2 months.

 

I think that when I feel like crap, I need to get out and go for a nice long walk. Whenever I'm feeling down and I go for a walk, I feel ten times better when I get back. It's a natural high :)

 

But I think that allowing myself to be ok with feeling a certain way, without judgment, is a really hard concept for me to understand. When I'm sad, I'm sad and I have all the shame towards myself and the night that I got H. I keep telling myself, "that's not who i am. I'm not pure anymore. I made a huge mistake. I betrayed myself and my friends..." the list goes on. I just don't know how to be ok with my thoughts and the things I'm feeling. I know that it's ok to be sad, but I just can't make peace with my past decisions.

 

Thanks for listening. It means the world to me :)

Johanna

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Johanna,

 

I can understand where you are coming from - I call it going down the rabbit hole. We can sit with our emotions and love them as they are but we don't have to be drug around them either. If you feel like you are going to that dark place of judgment and self-condemnation you can stop yourself. Sometimes something as simple as saying "STOP" to the thoughts or "Cancel, cancel, cancel, delete" or "Thank you, now go away" will help stop the flow and help redirect your thoughts to more loving and healthy thoughts. Even doing something silly like looking in the mirror and smiling at yourself or being over dramatic and acting out your thoughts in a silly way. Anything to interrupt the flow of the negative thoughts and stop your journey down the rabbit hole. This will help you with all parts of your life, not just with your struggles with herpes because life has a way of bringing us challenges. If you can master this herpes thing as you are already doing, you will set yourself up for a very blessed life and there won't be much that will keep you down.

 

As you are already leaning - if you are feeling down then do something - go for a walk, call a friend, watch a funny movie, read a book, journal, paint, workout, whatever helps you raise your energy levels and raise the energy of the thoughts you have.

 

I am so proud of your Johanna. You are so young and yet learning so many wonderful lessons. You are handling this with a grace and maturity beyond your years. :)

 

Much love,

 

Brenda xoxo

[sjj238]

Thank you Brenda :)

 

What is the opportunity you found in having H? What good has come out of it for you?

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Oh God....where to start even sjj. Hmmm. Well, when I was first diagnosed, I was also going through a divorce. I split from my husband the end of October and the end of November I had my first OB that I couldn't ignore and was diagnosed with herpes. I was devastated because I felt like I would NEVER EVER find anyone to love me (sound familiar??). Anyway, up to that point, I had used a new relationship to stop the pain from the last one so never ever gave myself a chance to stop, evaluate and heal. Well, now that I had herpes, I was given that opportunity. I also ran headlong into relationships with my heart and my head would show up a few weeks later only to find we had found another "rescue puppy". After herpes, I had to bring my head to the mix right off the start. Nothing like having the old TALK to sober you up and make some better decisions. Having been able to slow things down I also took some time to take courses, do some self reflection, take some time for myself and to really get to know who I was. Up to that point I was pretty much a stranger to myself.

 

The other gifts came from the people I have met. I started out by meeting people online, then joining a local group where I could meet some really interesting people in "real life". I also then stumbled upon this site and met Adrial and all the amazing people on here. Adrial has truly opened up my life to so many amazing possibilities. I came to the H Opportunity and connected with people there in a way that I had never before experienced. I had fallen in love with people at a spirit of soul level. Even to this day I can't entirely explain it with words. Sort of like the love when you first see your child. You really have to experience it to understand it. The H Opportunity Weekend opened me up to so many other possibilities as well as far as my coaching and my life direction is concerned.

 

I think at the core, I have gotten to really know myself in a meaningful way, I have come to love and accept myself - flaws, herpes, and all - and I have come to love and accept others in a way that I never could have before I got herpes. Really, I guess if I had to pick one word, it would be love. Love is what I got from getting herpes. Sounds odd given how I actually got it, but in the end, that was the gift. Meeting people such as yourself continues to be the gift in all of this.

 

Brenda xoxo

[Beckie]

That is so beautiful Brenda. And what a testimonial for the H Opp Weekend! I'm really looking forward to meeting you and sharing in that experience with you. Much love, Beckie :)

[sjj238]

Before all this, I dreamed of getting married and having a big family. But now I question myself and that happening. I think I need to remember that there are good people out there who are accepting of this. Maybe because of something they or a friend has gone through, or just because they have an open mind. I'd like to think that before this all happened to me, that I would give someone else dealing with H a chance. I feel that if you really like someone-black, white, male, female, or even someone with H-that you can't help it. If you like someone, you like someone. So hopefully someone down the road will feel the same towards me and see that me having H is just a minor inconvenience at times but that we will get through it and that it doesn't take away from me being a great person.

 

I think that before I can get to the point of sharing myself with someone, I need to get back to loving myself and being okay with everything that's happened. I truly think that talking to a therapist about all this, to be okay with talking about it out loud instead of over the internet ;) , will be a huge part of my healing. It's just that getting an appointment is a lot harder that I thought.

[Beckie]

Hey sjj238,

 

I can really relate to where you're at. For a long time, I couldn't even imagine I'd find a guy who was a really good match for me, who either had herpes or who didn't give a crap about the herpes. I had to go through all the layers of false beliefs that were preventing me from opening to that possibility. We are the only ones who stand in the way of creating what we deserve in our lives. There are so many beautiful stories on this site of people who have gone through this journey and come out on the other side, drawing in beautiful partners to mirror to them the love they knew they deserved. It's very inspiring!

 

Also, another option to the therapist is booking a Skype session with Adrial. Personally, it was extremely helpful to talk to someone who really gets it, having gone through the darkness himself to get to the light. Empathy is a powerful healing agent.

 

Much love to you!

 

Beckie :)

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Thanks Beckie. I am so looking forward to meeting you as well!! One more month. I can hardly wait!!

 

sjj, I really honor your journey and how far you have come in such a short time. I think meeting with a therapist or a coach such as Adrial will do you a world of good. As you have also said, learning to love and accept yourself is your first step. I have learned from my experience, both before and after herpes, that unless I love and accept myself, no one else will. Even before I had herpes, I never found myself lovable enough or acceptable and I always felt like I needed to prove my worth by doing and being and helping others. I always chose men who "needed" me. And they treated me exactly how I felt about myself - like I wasn't worthy or lovable and all that I was good for was what I could do for them. Having herpes is just a simple skin condition. It doesn't invalidate all the wonderful things we are and when we (I) accept ourselves exactly as we are and see all our beautiful parts, all the gifts we have, all the many ways we are lovable and beautiful, then we can allow others to see that. Once you get there, herpes schmerpes. They will see YOU and that is a beautiful thing my dear. :)

 

Love you!

 

Brenda xoxoxo

[sjj238]

Thanks Beckie :) I realize that I am completely blocking my chances of meeting someone, because there are some things that I need to sort out. I will definitely consider a Skype session :)

 

Thanks Brenda-you always say just the right thing to make me feel even just a bit better on my worst days :)

 

You guys are seriously the best! Thanks for everything