Almost a year later and still struggling sometimes

[SPATX919]

We all have good days and bad. Today is one of the bad ones. Thankfully, they'e become fewer and far between. Forgive my rant. Better out than in, right?

 

I'm just a couple days away from the anniversary of the day I got The News. I hadn't had an outbreak at the time, I was advised to get tested by someone who already knew. My giver neglected to disclosed and wouldn't admit to anything until I confronted him with my test results. Spoiler alert: If stress is a trigger, getting blindsided with that kind of betrayal is enough to wake the beast. And if he's the kind of asshole that doesn't disclose, he's the kind of asshole that will turn his back and leave you to struggle alone. The really sad part is that I would have accepted the risk if he'd told me.

 

While my physical reaction been mild, it's pretty much chronic. In the 12 months since finding out, I've had maybe a total of 3 months that there wasn't something going on in my nether region. Not full-blown blisters, but red and irritated skin. Because of this, I've closed myself off to the idea of loving someone new. I'm scared to disclose and even more scared of giving it to someone I care about. My only sex partner has been my giver (because I'm just that much of a sucker) so I haven't had to face the fear of rejection. I've only told a few very close friends and no family.

 

I've pulled away from many of my friends because I can't bring myself to let them know how I got swindled. Everyone thinks I'm this strong, independent woman but that's just an act. Most of the time I feel pretty pathetic and alone on the inside. I like to think of myself as attractive. I'm fit. I'm funny. I'm kind, I have a good heart. I'm gainfully employed and own my home. And still, there's always this little voice in my head that reminds me I'm 40, single and have an incurable STI. Who's ever going to love that?

 

Regardless, I'm happy to have this forum. Not only has it been a great resource, it has allowed me to vent my heartache. Thanks for listening, so to speak.

 

[RegularGuy]

It's okay to have a tough day once in a while.

I'm glad you came to talk about it.

 

I'd like to start by saying that taking yourself off the market is a damn shame and there are plenty of people out there who are at a loss in dating because they won't be able to find you.

 

I'm sorry to read that you have been struggling with symptoms. If you haven't already, it might help to talk to your doctor about starting supression medication like valacyclovir. If you are on one kind of medicine, making a switch in brands might help (I've read ablot about frequent symptoms for certain people on certain brands).

 

Also, I understand pulling away fron people close to you.

I do that when I'm down, too.

For me, I feel like it is imposing to subject people I care about to my shitty moods.

However, doing that can make those down days drag on longer than they should. It's hard to feel appreciated when the only person you hang with (yourself) doesn't feel like appreciation is due. There is a lot of reassurance that can come from being around other people you care about.

As my brother says, "Inflict yourself upon society" Meaning, you might not feel worthy. You might feel like a burden. But other people do want you around, and you do deserve to feel appreciated.

 

You seem to have taken the time to do some introspection. A year is a pretty long time to look at yourself. If you've done so honestly, maybe it's time to act on some of those lessons you've learned and make some of the changes you think you need. Be the person you've decided you want to be. Make your life the way you imagined it could be. Not if only x or y were different, but because you have the ability to see it differntly, do it differently.

[SPATX919]

Thank you for your words of encouragement, @RegularGuy - I was having a really tough night and just putting into words did help tremendously. I'm so grateful to have this forum as a sounding board and I promise I'm not all doom and gloom.

 

I've tried episodic and suppressive therapy with Valocyclovir. It doesn't do much to help, but my symptoms are so mild I haven't felt the need to try another medication. I'm due for my annual this month so I'll ask my doctor to try a different brand of medication.

 

In a fit of trying to get outside my comfort zone, I joined an online dating site (that isn't strictly for positive people) just to put myself out there. Nothing ever changes if nothing ever changes, right?

[RegularGuy]

Well, doom and gloom are a real part of the adventure. Handling it is a talent.

 

Glad to hear you joined a "regular dating site". That's where you belong!

I hope you have the courage to weed out the bad eggs quickly, and find someone really amazing!

And you are totally right!

Be the change you want to experience!

[Miss_ph]

I know how you feel. I'm single, I've been single forever and sometimes it feels like I will be forever alone. That's how I think when I'm having one of my bad days, and even though I'm lucky that I have a couple of friends who I can vent to, sometimes their advice and positivity actually grate on my nerves because in my head I think, none of you have this problem so you don't know what it's like. So being able to vent in this forum and have people who are in the same situation does help a lot.

 

Just hang in there and try to switch off the negative thoughts. Sometimes I do meditations that are focused on self love, and that helps. I think maybe start letting people in and let them know your condition, and as hard as that might be, it will be a positive step forward. I've told a few people about myself, close friends and a few who aren't so close. I needed to let it out, and I found by saying it out loud, it makes it easier for me to accept my condition. I've told 2 guys, the first one felt a bit like a test run as I didn't like him that much so his rejection didn't feel that hurtful. And the second one I really liked but he straight out told me he couldn't do a relationship with me. Despite the rejections, and I'm still raw from the second one, I'm proud that I had the guts to disclose. I'm not ready to do it again anytime soon but these baby steps are important I think. Because the person who accepts and takes the teeny tiny risk means that he really wants to be with me. You said that with your giver, if he had disclosed you probably would have accepted and taken the risk anyway. Let's both believe that there are men out there who will take that risk to be with us because we are worth it. Sorry for the essay, but your post resonated with me. Hope you are feeling better by now :)