Just wanted to vent

[mstanya1234]

I am a 40 year old female. I've been disgnosed with HSV 1 and 2. It's been really hard on me. I am married but my husband doesn't have it well I don't guess. He doesn't even want to talk about it because his dr told him that unless he saw signs not to do . I am too ashamed to tell my family and friends and I'm really reaching out to a married person with kids. I have two young boys and I feel as though I have let them down. I have always pressed them to make straight A's but at the point I don't feel like I can have them be their best when I was at my worst. The part that hurts me so is that I never slept with guy we had skin contact and he did oral on me so I'm really confused is whether I got it from him or not because I should not have HSV1 unless I gave it to my husband and when I did oral on him I got it then. I just don't know. I'm just truly lost right not. I just need someone to help me out. I have been on this post for weeks but my mind set is still off. I have good days and I have bad days. I talked to my nurse practioner and she was very sweet about it. I felt better but then now I'm back to my depression stage. I hate my husband and I split up and I saw this guy for one time and now we are back together and years later, I have this. Some days I feel like dying but I know the insurance wont cover killing my self. I have starting seeing a counselor. I have not opened up to her yet but I am planning on the next visit. I just can understand my stupidity and how it has torn my life apart. I use to have a very bad burning sensation in my body but my nurse said it was my nerves and had nothing to do with the virus. I am on anxiety and depression medicine and getting ready to start seeing a psychiatrist. I went to out of town this weekend and thought about falling off the balcony of my hotel so it would be accidental. I have so many mixed emotions going on till I don't know what to do. I'm so afraid of getting sores on my mouth and I'm tried of burning even though it doesnt sting when I pee. I go to bed a night thinking about it wake up thinking about it. The one thing this has taught me is to educate my boys because anyone looks at me would never think I have herpes. I'm a very pretty lady educated with a nice home my husband and I have 2 cars and 2 trucks. I have everything in life that I could possible want but peace and happiness. This has also bought me closer to God. I believe thats why I'm still here because God won't allow me the power to go to hell for killing myself. I'm just asking for everyone to pray for me. I know some on here are stronger than others but I am one of the week one. I'm afraid to take the medicine because the one time I went in for itching i took the medicine then a blister came so the next two times I just used an A&D vitamin cream and it went away in a week. Anyway I just had to vent this morning. Everyone have a great day.

[Doglover]

I hope you have found some peace since you wrote this post. One error in judgment makes us human, not "less than". From reading other posts I see that there is hope, and this can become another condition to live with, and manage, without it obsessing our daily thoughts.

[mstanya1234]

To be honest no! I’m living a nightmare ever day! I just Want to die