Tried intimacy, tried friendship, ended in heartbreak and looking for help

[smiller]

hi! today i decided to completely cut off ties with someone i had been seeing for awhile. we had unprotected sex three times before i disclosed to him i have hsv 1 genital. when i disclosed to him, he took it very well and was very kind but ultimately was terrified. he was so paranoid that he thought he started seeing bumps on his dick and his mouth. he got tested/swabbed on results came back negative (phew). he said we couldn't have sex anymore and i told him i liked him so much that we couldn't just be friends. he begged for friendship and so i engaged in that with him but it hasn't worked out very well. we would see each other down at the bars and end up going home together but he still seemed so scared to touch me. we did a lot of fun things together and spent a good amount of time getting to know one another.

 

so after one of the best days yesterday with him, i decided to end it on a high note and cut it off there. i texted him saying we needed to stop all communication because it was just too hard for me and i wasn't ever going to get what i wanted with him. i thought it would be better to deal with the heartbreak now rather than create more memories and be more hurt in the future. idk if i should have waited it out and been patient. but i didn't know if i was wasting my time. we would have so many conversations regarding the virus and he would initiate it as well. he never budged. i guess the 4% chance of him contracting it was scarier to him than his feelings for me. he made so many suggestive comments about liking me. he also straight out said he had feelings for me. i am so sad he let this get in the way. but i understand. before i had it, i knew nothing about the std. just that herpes existed and thats about it. he's scared.

 

the one good thing about this is that he told me about his friend that had also recently discovered that he had it. i guess this guy was absolutely mortified and his entire personality changed from outgoing and happy to reserved and depressed. i encouraged my friend to talk to his friend about it. my friend came back to me and said that he was happy that i encouraged him to have that conversation because his friend was so appreciative. i asked what he said to him. he said "i told him its not a big deal, just the stigma that surrounds it". ouch. if thats what you really think, why did you have to stop intimacy with me?

 

i am absolutely devastated. he is one the best people i have ever met and i had to let him go. he is also the first person i have been with since i found out i carry the virus. the most frustrating part is that i have such a mild case (1 and only OB in 4 months thus far that consisted of only 2 little tiny barely noticeable blisters) that the doctor won't even allow me to go on the daily rx. i tried doing this in hopes he would feel more comfortable being intimate with me but i was denied that.

 

i understand and fully believe that everything happens for a reason. but i really loved that boy and idk if it hurts so much because of that fact or because i am being denied for something that is completely and totally out of my control. i am really just looking for some support and feel as though this was the best place to go to get it.

[RegularGuy]

If you loved him, you would have cared about his health and his right to consent. Meaning you would have disclosed your diagnosis to him before becoming physical.

His reaction of depression, fear, anxiety, and withdrawal are all symptoms of the choice you made to surprise him with a communicable condition which he had no ability to prepare for or to exercise his right to consent to assuming the risk of.

Your desirability and overall good qualities may have made it difficult for him to cut ties on his own, but feeling betrayed certainly stopped his feelings of romance for you dead in their tracks.

 

Not to say that you were completely wrong. And you certainly do have much to offer the right person. You did gather your courage to disclose, that counts for a lot. It takes a lot of courage!

You also had the courage to cut him off when he was indecisive. You definitely did the right thing there. You don't deserve to waste your time with someone who isn't as thrilled to be with you as you are to be with them.

You could consider how honesty effected that relationship and how it effects you now, use that introspection to help you decide how you will do things differently in the future.

Put disclosure at the top of your priorities before becoming intimate.

People who care about you enough to be physical deserve to consent, knowing all the risk. Taking away a person's right to consent is always wrong, no matter the circumstances or the justifications you invent. Being able to decide for themself will reinforce just how caring, courageous and honest you are. Those are really rare qualities, and anyone in their right mind would find all those very desireable.

 

I'm sorry things did not work out. And I am sure you are working through some inner termoil.

But know that your decisions and your choices do effect people, especially those who care about you. You have the ability to do good things, and you have the ability to build a great relationship with someone special.

You just have to give them the chance to choose to do those things with you.

Take away that choice, and you're left either lonely or stuck with a bafoon.