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Please Help .... I didn't disclose my status to my partner & he found my medication.

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About ten months ago I started a relationship with the man of my dreams.


After ten months, he found my medication in the center console of my car coming home from a beautiful dinner date, the literal day after telling me he loves me for the first time.


It was a 45 minute drive home. One in which I repeatedly said how sorry I was and he respectfully kept replying, 'what does sorry do for me?', you've had that prescription filled five times - thats five times you could have told me, I trusted you, I thought you were different, Im done, etc.


To make it worse, he is a medical student. If I would have came to him we would have understood exactly how my virus works.


I contracted my virus at 15 and immediately began seeking treatment, I am 23 and have sustained preventive care. I take my prescription twice a day, I've never had an active outbreak, I tested positive via blood test for the virus, after confessing to my mother my step father had raped me, she immediately had me tested, knowing his + status.

I explained this to Kim, and he once again asked me what difference how I contracted it made.


Immediately when he asked me I said that it was for a cold sore that wouldn't go away, and then he said let me ask you again, and I confessed.


The first time we were active was on the second date, clothes were flying and I did not have the chance, or I felt, to stop the process and tell him. I don't think he did contract it from me, but he has been exposed. I do take my Acyclovir daily, without fail, and that does cut down the chance of transmission.


The point is, I did not tell him, he was the first person I had ever been active with, as in consensual sex. I was terrified I'd use him, that he hate me, never give our love the chance to grow.


All of this happened Sunday Night.


One hour after I left I sent him the following text...


"I met you, and I fell in love with you.

We had sex the second night we were together it just happened. I didn't have time to think it through and we were active.

I cant tell you how hard this is for me. To know that I've hurt the man that I love and adore so much, I just wanted to serve you, to make you happy, to give you everything you ever wanted. All I wanted was to be the woman beside you.

I cant imagine being without you, I don't know if ill ever forgive myself for the mess I've made of things. For the hurt I've caused you. I love you so much. I've never loved anyone the way I love you, and I've known since well before the stethoscope (for Christmas I gave him a stethoscope engraved with 'I love you' that was the first time I said I love you to him). I've torn us apart with this, and all I can dream of is the chance to repair and move forward with you. I was terrified of not being enough, of being too much, of you changing your mind. Not wanting me. And I think I've really done it now. I was always terrified you'd move on. That I was just to pass the time.

Please know, what I wanted to give you was a happy life, a home, a love, a wife, a best friend, what I wanted to give you was the best parts of me. What I wanted was to serve and love you endlessly, what I wanted was to be your wife.

You mean everything in this world to me. I don't have the words to make it better, but I do have all the love in my heart for you. I do. If you would just my undeserving heart, be yours.

I know you need time. I know you are angry. I know you are. I know you don't want me. I know you are done. But God Kevin, please know, I would have and would serve you for the rest of my life. I would and will adore you. Worship you. Count my lucky stars everyday that I got the chance to love you, And pray endlessly that you will forgive me. Somehow."



The next day, Monday, I said nothing but "Goodnight, I love you" at 9:52.


Today, Tuesday, at 4:28 I said "Will you please give me the opportunity to come talk to you Saturday evening? I'm begging you. Or Sunday"


He has replied to nothing. This is all a huge distraction from Medical School for him, and I know his heart is broken too.

I am in hysterics, I cant eat nor sleep. I am absolutely heart broken.


Please help me.



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Well, you broke his heart. Not the other way around.


There are a thousand different ways to justify denying someone their right to consent and all of them are wrong. If he chooses not to initiate contact, you could respect his choice and start giving him his right to choose for himself back.


I know you are busy beating yourself up and wishing you could change the past, but eventually you will need to decide to trudge forward.

The good news is that you have a lot of desireable qualities to have sustained a relationship for all those months. That is significant and you can't lose any of that just because you made a mistake or two in the past.

You have the capacity for a lot of good, and you can be the kind of person who builds a really great relationship with someone special.

You have to be prepared to find the state of being that allows you to feel genuine compassion for another person, and through that, respect for their right to make their own choices.

This isn't a unique struggle. Most people get compassion and respect for others muddled up amongst the billions of conflicting thoughts and emotions that make up their state of being. Myself included, and I'm not ashamed to admit that.


For all of your wishing things were different and that you could effect the kind of changes that would make you happy, realize:

You CAN do all of those things.

Be the change you wish you could experience.

Turn your desire for happiness and a fulfilling relationship inward.

Train yourself to love and respect yourself.

Let that level of empathy and affection spill into every facet of your daily life.

Then learn to feel that level of empathy, affection and respect for the people close to you.


There shouldn't be any question as to whether you would disclose to anyone.

Hubby material or a one night stand. They're all human beings who have an inherent right to consent, knowing there is risk. Just like you have the right to consent.


Let this one go.

Do some reflecting on how you could even begin to doubt telling a person you admire and plan to be intimate with about your diagnosis. Because the diagnosis isn't the issue at all. It is honesty, respect and consent that ae the issue here.

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If he doesn't want to have contact, you can't force yourself on him.

I know how hard it can be, but you have to dig deep for the strength not to make contact. Having struggled with stopping myself from making desperate phone calls at 2am on a Sunday in the past, my best advice is to avoid alcohol and try to redirect your thinking with hobbies and work / school. It might sound like weak advice, but having other things to focus your thoughts on will break the habit of thinking about him and prevent it from becoming a compulsion to punish yourself with. Alcohol isn't good when you're under emotional distress, as it amplifies moods and emotions. Even just a little bit of it has an effect.


Try to get used to the thought that the next chapter of your saga is waiting for you to turn the page and keep living. Remind yourself that you have plenty of desirable qualities and that you don't deserve to feel like you have to lock away terrible secrets from someone you intend to build a relationship with. You deserve to share genuine feelings of appreciation, admiration and respect with someone. And you deserve to appreciate, respect and admire yourself.

It doesn't seem like old dude wants that with you. It isn't right or wrong, he just made a choice and you have to let his choice be his own.

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Last Night I contacted him one last time and said, ‘Im not giving up on you, and Im not giving up on us.’ He immediately liked what i said via iPhone. He has always been the type to take his time to himself. And I viewed this as hope. I have yet to contact him today, or after that last night. I viewed it as him acknowledging my efforts, but letting me know he is taking his time. I think. My heart is absolutely breaking for this man.

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It could have been.

If he chooses to initiate contact in the future, that up to him.

But you also don't deserve to hound a person who isn't seeking your company. You are worth more than that, and your time is valuable as well. All this energy and thought would be better put to use working toward just about anything else.

And I know that yearning for someone else is a powerful thing. But it's not healthy when it isn't reciprocated constantly.

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