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Disclosed before meeting and now things are strange...

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So, I was recently diagnosed about 6 months ago after receiving from my ex. I have disclosed to 2 people, one that was a fling and one that we had a short relationship. They were both in person and we’re both okay with it. Neither of them got it from me. I have been talking to this guy online after meeting through a similar festival we go to. We have been texting and talking for about 8 months now.

Sometimes we do talk very sexual and flirty towards each other and have been very excited about meeting. He asked me a month ago to finally come and visit, so I agreed and got a 1 hr flight to where he lives. I was torn between telling him I’m persom, or over text for awhile. I decided to tell him in text so he wasn’t mad or anything, as I didn’t know how he’d react.

I’m the text I explained I don’t have many symptoms, that I take suppressive medicine, that I had sex with someone else and they never got it, and explained how low transmission rates are. I said it didn’t affect me much but that if it changed his opinion I’d understand.

Long story short his response wasn’t too thrilling. Mostly a “I don’t know what to think. I can’t rake a risk of getting an incurable STD.” Which I completely understand. He said he wasn’t mad but mostly disapppinted. He said he still wants me to come and he’s still excited to meet me..

It’s only been about a day but I’m just really upset and feeling awful about myself. We haven’t really talked much since that convo and I can tell things are different. I’m feeling really weird about going now because I don’t know how to act exactly. From where our relationship was before to where I guess it is now I’m confused. I wish I would have let him really meet me before I told him. I feel like it would of been different. I’m not gonna know how to act when I get there. I feel like maybe I should give him time and see how things go. I hate feeling like a decision. I feel gross and really down on myself a lot these days. I wish it didn’t have to be like this. Sorry for ranting


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I think this might be an example of waiting too long to disclose, combined with a long-distance disclosure.

In any case, I wouldn't recommend getting flirty before meeting in person. It establishes expectations for both parties.


8 months is a serious investment of time and effort. Effort that could well be spent physically dating someone so that you can establish the other 50% of the foundation, chemistry and attraction, in addition to an intellectual and moral connection.

I'm not trying to tell you that taking things slow is bad or that distance ruins opportunities. But the level of expectations you built up in yourself and the emotional investment you made did inherently set you up for disapoinrment. It was a bit of a gamble.

I was guilty of huge expectations and over-investing time and effort in daring for a long time.

I had to stop dating and start working on myself, my self-respect, and my appreciation for myself all before I realized that dating isn't crossing a line. It isn't a commitment. I needed dating to filter out the noise so that I could find someone who was as thrilled to meet me as I was to meet them.

To do that, I dated several people at a time. I didn't sleep around, never have.

But I did hold conversation with a few women, make plans to date one a week or so.

That allowed me to gain the resillience I needed to deal with rejection well. It also helped me to evaluate whether another person was worth an investment in time and effort (the two most important commodities I possess).

When I taught myself to have affection for myself, I learned how to demonstrate empathy, compassion and kindness to people I dated. When I dated, I treated the first date as a test of wits and humor, the second as an evaluation of chemistry, and the third as a sample of what the other person was like on their best behavior.

It helped me to side-step the women who are all promises and agreeability (frauds), and to filter out those who only gave me the time of day out of loneliness (aiming low, lack of respect). It also saved me a lot of disapointment and lonliness.

If only that it was very expensive to go on so many dinner dates, haha! But that's the society we live in.


All this to say, consider changing your view of yourself. Respect yourself and seek to get what you need. I assume closeness, physical contact, chemistry, affection, and empathy rank pretty high. Don't deny yourself any of those things, especially physical contact. Anything short of that list you come up with is unacceptable.

Then be wary of over-investing in someone who doesn't have or can't give what you want.

Find our if the are the kind of person you need quickly.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Regular guy, your advice was exactly what I needed to hear. I have read it many times over and I’m very thankful you commented.

Update: I went on the trip, and we had tons of fun together! we slightly talked about it and he admitted he just can’t take the risk which I understand. After meeting me and hanging out, he realized he really likes me and was just hurt by me not telling him, but not anymore. The situation was quite confusing but I felt better after a bit.

We kissed and fooled around a bit, but weren’t having sex. Until the last night we both got really drunk, and I remember him tellling me how bad wanted to have sex and we did.. but I vaguely remember any of this. And I’m not sure if he remembers. Now I’m just scared to tell him. What a mess.

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