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I can’t tell my boyfriend I have herpes

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my story is really long and confusing and I just feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. I’m hoping someone can give me some support. So a year ago I found out I had herpes type 1 in my genitals, I was in so much pain down there it stung and itched but it didn’t really clue in that I could have an std. i got tested and it turned out I also had gonnorhea, I remember sitting in the doctors office and he came in and he was telling me all this information I felt so disgusted with myself. I wanted to die, the first week was the hardest I was in so much paid physically and mentally I felt like I had no one to talk to I couldn’t even look at myself. I felt so stupid that I could have prevented this, why did this have to happen to me? I felt like I would never find someone that loves me so what was the point in living. I’ve had previous mental illnesses like depression, anxiety and I used to self harm. So finding out that I had this disease almost ruined me. I felt the need to tell someone so I told two of my best friends at the time, they said they didn’t judge me. A couple months went by and I felt better I hadn’t had anymore outbreaks. I stopped being friends with the girls I told about my condition because they started being really rude towards me and I didn’t want that negativity in my life. Eventually I found out that they were telling people I had herpes, I was so scared and I felt betrayed. Everyone would think I’m disgusting and no one would want to date me or be my friend. I was seeing this guy at the time and he had heard about me having herpes but he didn’t believe it. And when people asked me if it was true I said it was a rumour my ex friends made up about me. How could I admit something like that? I forgot to mention I was 17 at the time so as you can imagine teenagers are pretty cruel to each other. So months go by and I start dating the guy I’ve been seeing, we never had sex without a condom and we are always safe the only problem is I haven’t told him I have herpes. We’ve been dating for 8 months now and we love each other very much. He’s the most important person in my life, we’ve been through a lot together and I can see myself being with him for a long time. I just can’t tell him my condition, most of the time I even forget I have herpes I just live my life like a normal person! I do want to be honest with him and explain my condition but I just feel I can’t because of the rumours he’s heard he will think I lied to him. And I feel like he will freak out and not understand that this disease isn’t life threatening. I wish people wouldn’t judge without understanding. I just want to be happy and live life. Not debate killing myself because of this disease, I’ve already stuggled with enough in my life. Also I’ve been taking valtrex since I started dating this guy and I didn’t have any more outbreaks until a couple days ago. I haven’t had sex with him because I know that’s very dangerous and he could potentially catch the virus. I’m going to wait until it clears up down there. I Know that if I do not tell him and he catches it I believe I would be sued. I’m just hoping that by taking the valtrex 500mg everyday and using a condom I will not pass it on to him. Can someone please give me some advice? I want to tell him eventually i just don’t know when and how.

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It seems like you are dealing with a huge amount of inner conflict.

I'm sorry to hear you've landed yourself in such a difficult position.

I know I'm about to point out a bunch of stuff you already know, but I do have a point.

That you aren't hopless, you have a lot to offer, obviously. From the way you are able to articulate your feelings and the circumstances which they spawn from, you clearly are intelligent, empathic and are ready to share a genuine level of trust and love with someone special.


Every human being deserves the right to consent, knowing risk. And not just once, but every time should be consenting.

If you care about him or his right to make his own decisions, you'll need tell him right away. You know that withholding the truth is manipulative and malicious.


Equally importantly, You have to learn how to respect yourself. You've got to re-earn your own appreiation and admiration so that you can then empathise with your boyfriend and in turn respect and admire him.

So many of your negative views of yourself are projected on him, impacting his well-being.

But just because you struggle to see your own beauty and worth doesn't mean that you can disregard anyone else's, especially not someone who trusts you, cares about you.


Your fear and lack of self-worth seem to be eating away at you, considering you are withholding information that effects a significant other's well-being and peace of mind.

You have to stop beating yourself up over your shame and guilt and start seeing yourself as a valuable, desirable, worthy person.


This guy cares about you. He trusts you and he admires you.

Tell him.

He deserves to know and to be given back the right to make his own decisions. It's a right that everyone deserves at a most basic level. Just like you deserve to have your peace of mind and your appreciation for yourself restored.


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  • 4 weeks later...

It's going be okay!! Me and my guy friend was googling it trying find what it was he was taking care of me i could walk or bend. so when I went to the doctors and they told me it was herpes i laughed not funny ha ha but funny like I was in shock but when I left the clinic i was walking down the street ugly crying and talking about i cant go home I can't tell him he never going talk to me. i panicked kept crying kept ignoring his calls and he told me stop crying its not going kill him or me and that it's common he showed me videos of how ppl live on and when I had my recent ob he brought me flowers and try to cheer me up. Just tell him and if he loves you pumpkin he will be there and support u to this and if not we are all here for u. you are not herpes it dont define u ..its hard but it's not the end just talk to him

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