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Told my partner (whom I probably got it from)

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I don't know if it counts as disclosure when you tell the person who probably gave it to you, but since our talk went so well I thought I'd share anyway.


I've been in a 7-month monogamous relationship with this man. I asked him to get tested for everything once we started getting intimate but as we all know now, herpes was not included. I also knew he had been in several long-term relationships before me and we were very open talking about sex and relationships, so I felt confident that if he or the other ladies he'd been with had experienced some infection of some sort, he would have told me. We were also committed before having sex and I felt I could trust him. (Yes, I still feel the need to try to prove that herpes "wasn't my fault" - maybe I'll get over it eventually).


I myself am not sure now if I had it already or not. Years ago I had some sort of outbreak, but it didn't look like herpes and I wasn't able to get to a doctor during the outbreak to confirm (actually would love to hear if this has happened to others - one outbreak that looked totally different than another? Is it possible?).


Months later I went for a test and it came back negative, to my extreme relief. But with what I know about herpes tests now, I really question that result, especially since I've always gotten cold sores. I feel like I should have at least come back positive for HSV1 but honestly I don't even know if they tested for both. I was not as informed at the time and also preferred to be in denial and take the negative result and run with it. Also, I had had a conversation with a doctor describing my outbreak I had had. She said it definitely could have been herpes, at which point I broke down crying. She assured me it wasn't a big deal and said that "it's not a conversation you need to have" with my partners. I kind of wish I could have remained in that ignorant bliss.


Anyway, with this guy, there wasn't really any denying that the outbreak was herpes since that's exactly what it looked and acted like, and the doctor confirmed through a visual exam (wish now I had gotten a swab, didn't know at the time). Even though I knew my guy likely gave it to me and therefore had it too (although I also considered the possibility that I already had and could have transferred to him), I was extremely anxious about having "the talk."


When I finally got up the nerve to tell him, I couldn't even say the word out loud. He had to guess and I finally nodded my head. I told him what I knew about it so far after some days of intense googling. His reaction was pretty much to not have much of a reaction at all except to say that he was really sorry I was going through this and asking if it was painful and what it looked like. He mostly was concerned for me.


After that we had a long talk and I disclosed my past breakout and subsequent negative test, but also that I now knew it could have been a false negative. This did not upset him either. I also told him how I was feeling and that it felt like the end of the world, that no one would want to be with me again, and that it was a punishment for my mistakes (including that he and I had unprotected sex - I felt safe based on the STD tests, the strength and openness of our relationship, and his previous relationships - stupid me).


He strongly assured me that the right person for me, a worthy man, whether it was him or anyone else, would not judge me for this condition. He said that anyone that rejected me for it was basically not worth my time. He told me it was not the end of the world, that it wasn't that bad, and that it was certainly not a punishment.


He told me that he had never had an outbreak nor to his knowledge had any of his partners, but we figured out that he did used to get cold sores when he was younger (took him a bit to realize this was probably herpes). So we figured he might have given it to me orally. We're both going to get tested to see if we can find out what strain we might have.


Once the infection cleared he was ready to have sex and oral again and just didn't seem bothered by it. I honestly question a little whether this is because he actually thinks he does have it and that's why he isn't worried. But I do feel he would have told me after all the talks we've had. Either way, to be honest, it's healing to feel that someone still wants to have sex with me despite knowing my status. It feels like such a scarlet letter. I am the one who is not ready to have sex yet especially until we both get tested for everything again as well as get the herpes test.


Anyway, the main point is that he was super kind, supportive, non-judgmental, and mostly unconcerned. When I told him about how many people have it and that most don't even know it, he immediately seemed to take this as a reason to not see it as a big deal, which was great.


I feel really fortunate that my first "disclosure" went so well with someone so supportive and matter-of-fact about this infection. I have only been diagnosed for only about a month now and I'm still struggling big time to process and not let it take over my mind and my life, but his reaction helped a lot to know that it might just be ok.


Hope this helps someone who just got diagnosed, needs to tell their current partner, and is worried they will freak out. You might be more worried about it than they are. <3



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I'm in a similiar boat. I just went to my doctors after having my first OB. I was in a one year realtionship before and just started dating a new guy. In the year I never had any problems until now. I tested positive in the culture for type 2 but my blood was negative so that means I was recently infected by this new partner since he was the only person I slpet with since breaking up. He said he was tested for std but not herpes since it was a urine test so he needs to be restested. Im assuming his test should be positive. When I told him about my results he was very resassuring that it didn't change anything between us and was supportive. Just gotta wait for his results now. Should he deffinitlet test positive?

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