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When/How to Disclose! Need advice!

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So I have been seeing this really nice guy for about the last 6 weeks. Due to schedules and me being on vacation we have only hung out 4 times. We haven’t even kissed yet. To be honest I am still slightly indecisive about how I feel about him. I do find him attractive but it certainly wasn’t the immediate sparks flying kind of chemistry (and still isn’t). The thing we have going for us is we get along AMAZINGLY. We make each other laugh, our personalities just vibe, which is the main reason why I have continued to hang out with him. I actually semi tried to end things with him at one point a few weeks ago, and he asked me what he can do to give me what I am not getting from him. Again, this type of reaction is a really mature positive attribute in a partner, another reason why I have continued to see him.


I am at the point where I feel like disclosure needs to be in the immediate future. Not because I see myself becoming physical with him in the very near future, but because I am worried about either of us becoming too attached without him having all the information. From a lot of the posts I have seen about disclosure, usually around the 3-5 date range is where I see people disclose. Long enough for someone to start to like you, but not so far along that it will devastate them to be getting the herpes news and not too early in that they have zero attachment to you.


I have disclosed to about 5-10 guys, but all via text. Most of those resulted in acceptance, a few didn’t feel comfortable proceeding. I think my hesitation and worry in this circumstance is mostly over feeling that I should disclose to him in person. But it just seems so much scarier and harder.


So I guess I am looking for advice in a few areas.


1) Should I wait until we have spent more time together to disclose, or is now a good time? We have only agreed that we are hanging out and getting to know one another, I don’t even know if he classifies what we are doing as dating.

2) Should I wait to disclose until I know more concretely if this is a person I would want to date seriously? As I said before I have been indecisive and some of that indecisiveness is due to red flags Ive seen about maybe him not be accepting of my circumstances.

3) Is it better to have this conversation in person or via text? Do you think it makes a large difference in how they inevitably end up feeling about it, or no difference at all?

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I'm really glad that you are determined to disclose. That's are really big deal!

Glad you value your interests' right to consent and their well-being!

You should be proud!


As far as when and how:

Maybe in text is your style. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it probably gives the other person privacy and time to process through their knee-jerk reactions before they respond (which I imagine is hard to do in person).

But disclosing in person may have a few advantages,

It initiates a very frank dialogue, that may lead to some good connecting.

It allows the other person to see your face and hear your tone of voice when disclosing, which could help them to see that you are more concerned about their right to consent and well-being than you are about your own comfort.


The fact is that different people will react differently. It's hard to predict with anyone, but especially someone you've only known for a couple of dates.

Personally, I think that right about the time you would have had the old STD/personality disorder talk is a good time to disclose (I am one of those who always had this conversation anyway, figure it would be how I would do it, if in the position of dating someone new).


Rather than stress about how to disclose, focus on the fact that you are not hurting the other person or yourself by disclosing. In fact, you are helping yourself and them and you should be very proud to do it!

Just don't build it up too much for yourself or for them. You've decided you will disclose, let it be at that. It doesn't have to be super smooth, because it isn't going to be thrilling anyway.

And make sure you ask them in turn if there is anything they should disclose to you, because herpes isn't the only thing out there.

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