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Being diagnosed 2 years later.. seeking help!

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Hello everyone! I have been using this website to feel better about my situation for almost a month now so I decided to join and share my story. Bare with me, its long.

So I am 23 years old, just graduated with my bachelor's degree in teaching and was just diagnosed about 5 days ago.

About 2 years ago I was with an ex who didn't tell me about his symptoms until about 6 months into our relationship. During sex he mentions that he has some red bumps but doesn't know what they are. Of course being in the moment, I didn't stop to question it. I eventually had an outbreak and that was when he decided to tell me he had these bumps in the past and thinks it might be herpes. We were both too scared to accept it so we moved on. He ended up cheating and leaving so as I was single, the outbreaks came, i'd worry but do nothing. It was easy to forget about the outbreaks or what they might be because I also have an incurable skin condition that causes sores so I assumed it was due to that. I then met my new boyfriend and had an outbreak (4th one) not long after we slept together for the first time. I immediately felt scared for not only me but him. Although I was deathly afraid to get tested and find out the truth, I didn't want to put him in danger either. I spent weeks researching, crying to my mom and debating on getting tested. I sat down with my boyfriend, told him of my past and what was happening and then told him I was going to get tested but I was 90% sure it's herpes. He reassured me that no matter what he'd be there. I remember him saying "I can't be mad at you for something someone else did to you. I chose you so I'm not going anywhere". I called my ex to tell him I was finally going to the doctor. I asked if he had been tested and he said no, he wasnt worried about it. He's been with at least 4-5 girls since me and still does not care to manage his situation. I didn't want to be that person so I went to the doctor, explained my story and she agreed it was probably herpes. I got a blood test (igg) that came back 4 days later. I was positive for both HSV 1 and 2. I knew of 1 because I had cold sores when I was a little kid from drinking after and kissing family members. I got type 2 from that ex about 2 years ago. I got my results online while sitting in my living room so I just broke down and cried. It was actually real. I showed my parents the results when they got home and cried on both of them for a bit. The next day my boyfriend was coming back to town to stay for the weekend. Not long after he arrived, I sat him down and told him my results were positive. He just said "Okay. Like I said before, we will get through it." We talked about my feelings, how it could affect us if he got infected, and how to manage it." He just said he likes his chances and as long as I continued to take the antivirals and we were both careful, everything would be okay. It felt amazing and I couldn't believe he still wanted to stay with me and we could get past this after only 2 months of dating. For the most part, I am doing well. I try to have good days but then I remember that I have this virus and it'll never go away and then I get very depressed again. I don't know how to accept that this is now part of me and always will be. I cried to my boyfriend before he left and said "I wish this didn't happen to me. I don't want to deal with it".. Like I have a choice in the matter now. For a long time I would think back to that time my ex told me during sex and beat myself up over not being smart enough to stop and talk about it. I just trusted him and was in the moment so I know I can't really blame myself. I know I didn't deserve this and it was just something that happens in life. There's no point crying all day everyday about something I can no longer change but it still is very hard to deal with. I lean on my parents and boyfriend for support but I know I have to first be strong and fully accept it within myself first. I can handle the outbreaks and dealing with it in my body since I already have a skin condition for life.. I am just struggling with the mental side of it and accepting it.

So my question to anyone reading this, how did you accept it and move forward? What helps you get through those bad thoughts when they come up? If you have an understanding partner who is negative for the virus, do you worry about transmission every time you're intimate?

If you read all of this, thank you! It feels good to share my story and I hope to make some new friends on here who can help me on this new journey.

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I was just diagnosed last week, to be honest I kinda do accept it and then I don't. I accept it because the OB was there and if I tried to ignore it and not accept it I wouldn't be taking care of myself to relieve the pain. Yet I don't fully accept it still because in my mind I just wish this was all a bad nightmare and the results were wrong but the OB was there and it was painful. I am choosing to move forward because I have family to live for and I have many goals. I was at school for 4 years and when my teachers finally told me that I was ready to graduate (which I did last week) that same week I had my outbreak and the Dr. had told me that it was probably H. I felt like the Devil came to snatch my happiness from my hands. I then knew I was not going to let this take my happiness. I worked hard for 4 years and the OB including this virus was not taking my happiness away. I was going through discomfort but I took my medicine and I put a smile on my face on my graduation day.

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Jny... I am sorry you are going through it too. I completely understand how you feel though. Part of me wishes I had ignored it and not gotten tested so it wouldn't be real (as stupid as that might sound) but I refuse to be like my ex and put other people's health in danger. I just try to think on the bright side of things to get me through the days. I hope you are doing well!

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