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My Story.


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This will be the first time I really talk about the whole process of the man I was with.

 

It was a whirl wind, I was completely obsessed, I had convinced myself that he was my soulmate. And I have never been the type of girl that lets a man control her life. I have always put myself first and paid close attention to the "red flags" but I was completely blind to him and all of his lies. My friends kept telling me, something was off and he was keeping something from me. Well low and behold, barely 2 months after we started dating (yes I fell that fast) I had become very sick, fever, chills, body aches and very tired. Then I was uncomfortable and I knew something was seriously off with my body. I went to the doctors and she told me what it looked like, that was the first thing out of her mouth, and sent swabs into the lab anyways, and put me on valacyclovir.

 

I called him and told him. He acted completely surprised said he still loved me and that it didn't change anything. Now here I am thinking "Okay, now I have to spend the rest of my life with him, because who on Earth would want to be with someone who has herpes? I will never meet anyone ever again." Within the next week during my outbreak, he was disrespecting me, being extremely insensitive to the way my body felt, I mean even though I had someone who didn't care about my new diagnosis, I was not feeling very beautiful, or sexual by any means (yep you got it, he was trying to sleep with me during all of this) UGHH!! It makes me physically sick to even think about it! I have never been so blind to someone's motives, or true self before in my life! He never said that he had herpes, but he had told me many more lies before and let's just say it is a woman's intuition. When someone you thought you could trust can look directly at you and lie to your face, you know in your heart that you are suddenly in a room with a stranger. That was my wake up moment, like I snapped out of a dream, and I thought that's it! I am out of here! You are not good for me and I deserve better. I am disappointed that I wasted this small amount of time (but feels longer) on this man who by my definition was no man in my eyes.

 

Nonetheless, he has been removed from my life, and I am moving forward, slowly but surely. I still feel like every little discomfort I have is going to turn into a full blown herpes outbreak, and part of me thinks that it's my mind messing with me so I'm a bit paranoid. I have been mistreated and taken advantage of, my heart doesn't hurt though. It's more my soul, more of me as a person, my world.

 

One thing for sure is that I could not be more blessed to be apart of this community full of inspiration and help. Thank you for reading my story, I hope that I can work towards a better me, with the help from all of you. In return I will do everything I can to help you as well.

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First off, I want to welcome you with all my heart to this community. Welcome, welcome. I'm glad you're here.

 

I'm hear that you're hurting, and I feel sad hearing that. And I understand ... I remember when I first got herpes how I felt, how paranoid I was, feeling like every tingle was a soon-to-be eruption of this scary monster ... I remember all of that, and reading your post brings it back to me. And I can tell you that it all changes. I promise. And it takes you being with your feelings, being with yourself, taking care of yourself, connecting on this forum and people who love and accept you. All of that is part of a very beautiful healing process.

 

And it's not fair that he treated you the way he did. You put your trust in him and he betrayed that trust. Please don't let that close you off to other people in the future who do actually deserve your trust. Allow it to inform you, but don't let it close you. I can feel your heart, and it's a big one. It's worthy of being shared with those who deserve it.

 

One thing that jumped out to me in your share was this: "I am disappointed that I wasted this small amount of time (but feels longer) on this man who by my definition was no man in my eyes." This was not a waste. It is teaching you something, isn't it? Isn't it changing the course of how you will live your life? How you will follow your intuition? Every single life experience — yes, every single one! — has tremendous learning value to us if we allow it to. In what you said, I hear you being disappointed in yourself. And again I feel sad hearing that. Here's your opportunity: To take this as a huge learning about the power of your own intuition AND what happens when you lose yourself in someone or something else. Isn't that super valuable? I think so. And when you can allow that self-disappointment to fade away, in comes self-acceptance. And that's the true healing.

 

Again, welcome. So much love to you, Jess. Big, big hugs.

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JessREH,

 

I am so sorry you had to go through that heartache. My donor was of a similar nature and I get what you mean about hurting more at a soul level. It is hard to imagine there are people like that out there, but there are. It sounds like you are a strong person and you will heal from this and it will make you even stronger. This is an amazing community and I am so glad you have joined us. You are such a beautiful spirit and that shines through in your writing.

 

As for the paranoia about another outbreak - I totally get that. It will get better with time. I have learned to love myself through my outbreaks. Instead of freaking out, I just accept what is happening and use it as an excuse to baby myself, do nice things for myself and to love myself and the herpes. I thank it for reminding me to take care of myself and love it until it heals. I did that with my last outbreak and I couldn't believe what a different experience that was for me.

 

I look forward to getting to know you better and I know you are going to be a wonderful addition to our family.

 

Hugs, Brenda xoxo

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-Adrial

 

Thank you so much. And you are completely right about my disappointment in myself, and that is huge obstacle I have to overcome, I often feel that I'm letting myself down. This experience is a great one in disguise and you are right that I have changed the way I let people affect me and my decisions. It's a very big learning process for me and it has allowed me to just take a step back and look at my path, and how I approach things. It has taught me a great deal so far and I am sure that it will have many more lessons in the future. Though finding this community will make that a heck of a lot easier. I truly appreciate your words, thank you very much.

 

-Brenda

 

What you said about loving yourself through your outbreaks is amazing! I completely agree. You can create a healthier you simply by telling yourself that you're okay. Though when someone reminds you that you do have control it does make you feel so much better about the situation. Not to mention I am all about treating myself, especially when it is well deserved! Thank you for sharing about your "soul ache" :) as well because it helps to know that I'm not the only one in the world feeling mistreated.

 

Thank you both so much for the words of encouragement, it is making a world of difference to me. You are wonderful and beautiful people.

 

All My Love, Jess

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