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Just Found Out and Now It Feels Like Everything is Falling Apart


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This ended up being a bit longer than I originally intended, so I hope y'all don't mind a bit of a read...

 

I've been generally having a pretty rough go of things over the past few weeks. Among other things, I've been severely overworked and miserable at my job, my passion projects have been struggling and falling by the wayside, my car bit the dust and the new management at my apartment is making my life hell because I'm rent controlled and they want me to move out. Everything felt like a complete mess... going from one battle to another without any respite.

 

The one bright spot, that kept reminding me that things weren't all bad, was that I had, about a month and some change ago, met the woman of my dreams... smart, independent and easily the most beautiful woman I've ever dated. I've never connected with or had someone turn my head like this woman. She also had the sweetest, most adorable two year old daughter who I also was head-over-heels for. For the first time in a long time, I met someone that I saw a long and happy future with... and In the face of all the other crap, I had something to be overwhelmingly excited about.

 

Then, I decided to go in for a routine physical and STD panel. I wasn't concerned with anything. My health has generally been good, I've never had any outbreaks or warning signs and I've always been careful... not a concern in the world. They said that they'd call if there were any abnormalities and I didn't hear a peep. A few days later, late one night when I remembered to check my results in the online portal, my whole world felt like it came crashing in... "HSV-2 IgG: 2.73 - Above High Normal". Immediately, the panic set in and I hit every website possible... all of them, of course, gave different information. I was scared, panicked, confused, angry and a whole host of other emotions... and I still am. The next morning, the office couldn't open fast enough... I was told the doctor would get back to me in a half an hour. Six hours later, after non-stop calls back to the office, I finally got someone to talk with me about my labs. And, what did she do?! SHE TRIED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT MY F***ING CHOLESTEROL! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I was looking for any hope that I might have completely mistaken the lab results and when I stopped her to bring up the test, her response was an off-hand, "Oh... yea... you're definitely positive."

 

It felt like my whole world ended in that moment. I try my best not to indulge them, but I can't stop the deceptively hopeful thoughts from crossing through my head... "This all is just a bad dream that I'll wake up from."... "There has to be a mistake."... "My count was wasn't super high. Maybe it was a false positive." ... "Maybe there was some cross reaction and it's only HSV1. People are more forgiving with that." Try as I might, I struggling with full acceptance that I have herpes and I'll have it for the rest of my life. Just typing it out right now makes me nauseous... and want to punch something.

 

Then, I knew I had to tell HER. I wish I'd joined this forum prior, so I could have gotten some tips on how to have "the conversation"... I was a terrified rambling mess. Because her little one was always around, we, fortunately, hadn't slept together yet. That made disclosure significantly easier. I wanted to tell her in person, but I wasn't sure I'd be able to live through seeing the look on her face... and if I had to wait, I'm not sure I would've been able to keep up my nerve. She was very kind, which almost made things worse. If she'd been awful to me, I could've at least been angry with someone other than myself. But, however kind she was, she let me know, in no uncertain terms, that we were going to have to cut things off... that she wanted to have more more children and didn't want anything to do with the associated risk. So, pretty much in the span of a day and with no warning, I found out that I have an incurable and hugely stigmatized STD... but, I lost and entire life and future that I had started building in my head.

 

I'm sure all of you reading this have seen it a million times before, or had the thoughts yourself... I know, in my head, that it's not, but, it feels like my whole life is over. I feel like no one will ever want to be with me and, even if someone did, that I'll never find someone like her. It feels like my chances at building a stable, loving family are completely shot. I feel like everything was just taken away from me. It's unfair and I want to be angry with someone, but I can't. I hate myself. I just kinda want to curl up in a corner somewhere and disappear forever. I would never, ever, consider taking my own life... I abhor the idea. But, I can't stop myself from being inundated with those awful thoughts. I don't want to have them, but they just keep flickering through my head.

 

I've reached out to a few friends, one with HSV-1 and another with HSV-2, and they've been incredibly supportive. I know there's hope out there and that these feelings of despair will begin to fade eventually. But, right now, I don't have any hope or fight left in me.

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Got diagnosed 7 days ago ..... Believe me I know exactly how you feel.. I still can't believe it... Inside I feel heart broke... Half the time all I wanna do a sleep... I'm obviously going to a depression like you.... But as far as not being able to have a family that is not true... I have a female friend who although having Herpies was able to conceive a child with no problem... I've read about many people Who are living a normal life... Reading peoples stories also gives me [email protected] Has a really interesting blog.... I hope this message finds you well.... Keep your mind occupied... I know it's easier said than done... I started home renovation so I don't have to think about it... I'm very hurt angry and confused as well.

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I found out about my h results positive about almost 2 months ago. I can relate to hoping it's all a bad nightmare. There are days when I think about the day I found out and the outbreak I had and I feel upset, hopeless, like pure shit. Then there are other days when I totally forget this even happened to me. I try to distract my mind from it as much as possible. I also plan on being alone forever maybe and I am only 27 but I just think I gotta live with this. I do focus on my health now. I really believe that it is time for me to love myself and be healthier. If you ever need to just let it out by chatting about this you can message me. Anybody that needs to vent and is reading this just message me. I didn't have the opportunity to vent much but when I did, I did it with just three people and they were very supportive.

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I know that it's not impossible for me to have a family... and I know that the risks of there being complications in a pregnancy are something minuscule, like significantly well under one percent. It's just that the stigma associated with this is so difficult to overcome that I can't see anyone wanting to be with me again.

 

The worst part is that I can't really blame anyone for not wanting to take this on. I've always played the part of the super confident guy... but it's always covering for my significant struggles with self-image. Even prior to this, I could hardly believe that this beautiful woman wanted to be with me. Now, after being diagnosed... It's near impossible to believe that anyone could value me enough to, not only date me, but take on this stigma.

 

I don't have any real hope to hold on to right now. But, I can't say that plan to be alone either. At this point, I don't plan for anything. I can barely make it through a day... an hour... five minutes... without having a breakdown inside while trying to keep it together and put on a smiling face in front of my family. It's just more along the lines that my crystal clear picture of what was in my future is now cracked, dim and too blurry to see. I know that a future exists for me... but I can't see past more than this immediate moment anymore and it terrifies me.

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I just found out myself about 4 days ago and I’m goong through all the same emotions. I cry every single day. I’m 29. And I tell myself I’m better off alone now. No one will want to be with me. I am too embarrassed to ever share this with someone. I don’t know what the future holds but I’m going to try and focus on myself more now. I’ve always worked out and eaten healthy it’s not a problem but I recently became a heavy drinnker just going through a bunch of stuff and I was going on the wrong path so this has been a huge wake up call for me and I’m trying to see it that way. Just focusing going back on school spending time with my family and living a healthy lifestyle and see what happens from there. Every single day since I found out though I still can’t believe this is happening to me. Keep your head up. We will all get through this. It has to get better

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Just disclosed to my mom as well as my brother and sister-in-law (they’re both nurses) and it felt like a huge load off my chest. It’s not that I was scared to tell them, but it still felt like a load off my chest to y’all with them. I broke down pretty hard when I told them... I think it helped me to finally really grieve rather than just put on a fake smile while I was dying inside.

I’m still struggling pretty bad with losing the girl. It’s been eating away at me for a while now and it drives my day right into the dirt when I get my mind stuck on it. I reached out and she said that she’d be willing to talk... but, I’m still scared. I have a feeling that she’s already moved on... and checking her Instagram every five minutes hasn’t helped any of the above.

I’m going to be a mess until this conversation happens. I’m putting way too much pressure on myself and way too much significance on this one conversation. I know there’s someone out there for me and that I have a futire... but it’s hard to believe that there’s anyone like her.

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