Not Sure... Just a rant of emotions and feelings

[GeminiiGoddess]

Honestly, this has been a journey for me. I was recently diagnosed with HSV2 and I have been dealing with it. At first, I was in-denial and I didn't want to accept that this...happened to me. So far, I haven't been really stressed as much as I should be. (Single parent, full time college student, unemployed.. the list goes on) But I've been feeling lately that I am losing myself, and not just physically. I feel as if I'm losing control of what could of been to this is my reality. Having HSV2 reminded me of all the mistakes I've made. I asked myself, how did I get myself in this position in the first place? Why wasn't I more careful? I started to blame myself. I started  this because I knew what I was doing, and just blew it off. When I look in the mirror at times, I don't see the woman with purpose. I see shame and another statistic. I don't see the beauty in this. How could someone go around infecting others and not have a sentiment in the world to care? I personally, don't want to spread this nor give it to anyone. My sex life, isn't a life. I just feel as moving on and trying to stay focus on the ultimate goal is best. 

I guess I just had to let a lot of this off my chest, since I really am alone. I faced my entire life as such, and I guess I'm use to it. The only positive thing I can say about this entire thing is that this is a true wake up call. This has opened up my eyes in a different perspective and help me realized another that there is another chapter in my #BookofLife.

 

Thanks for listening!

[RegularGuy]

You certainly do have plenty you could stress about. We all have past regrets, too. And I know how hard it can be to picture that you might actually get to live the kind of life you want.

But you definitely do deserve to give it your best shot. You deserve to see yourself as a person who is worthy of a fighting chance.

The mantra can be hard to convince yourself of, even if you repeat the words you need to hear every day. That doesn't mean you should stop saying those words, though.

I'm really glad you took the time to write that down, though. Sometimes getting things straight in your head is hard enough on it's own. Being able to categorize and quantify your current struggles and your current worries helps to evaluate the path you are on vs the path you want to be on. And it seems like you are doing exactly that.

Keep working at it. When you're ready, take the next step and quantify and categorize what you want to do / need to do to get yourself closer to your goals. This is the part where a lot of people struggle with mental barriers (myself included). Don't discount viable options, just because they seem unlikely or a little far-fetched. Take note of those, evaluate what is readily doable and figure out if you need to change some facet of your behavior or course of your life.

It sounds like you've already done this at least a little, and it's possible you redo this exercise occasionally. But don't let yourself get stuck on the planning phase, either.

Considering you are going to college, you must have already done all this at some point and are currently taking action. And that's really great!

It's not about making things ideal right away, or for ideal circumstances to happen in the next couple of months. It's about setting yourself up for success. So that ideal circumstances are a real and inevitable possibility a few short years down the road.

For most people, takes adjusting your lifestyle and your plans occasionally. That's not an instantaneous process in itself. But making incremental progress toward those changes, and becoming the person you want to be are absolutely things to be very proud of!

You deserve to see that in yourself. You deserve to eventually find someone who sees that in you, too.

[GeminiiGoddess]

I really appreciate your words of positivity and optimism. It is something that I needed to hear, that I haven't had in awhile. Yes life and everything in it is all a process. I keep telling myself to be the change I want to see over and over and over again until I am that change.