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Lola Meow

HSV2 sex without condom / disclosure

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So I had not had sex since I found out I have HSV2 three months ago with one upsetting breakout. Since then I have been trying to focus on healing (it’s taken so much time to wrap my head around) I was finally starting to feel better. I began taking great supplements, eating healthy, doing yoga, and have been planning to do ozone treatment. I wanted to do this treatment before ANY sex again as another form of self care. I began feeling empowered with this diagnosis and excited to try the ozone and stay sex free for a while focusing on my inner work, good health, life goals, and loving my self. But then the other night I drank a bit and...I ended up having sex with this adorable guy who I have hooked up with on and off for some time. I did so without protection or telling him (no outbreak of course) he’s super cute and sweet and I like him and having sex with him but it’s nothing serious. I feel so fucking mad at myself like I almost just betrayed all my progress in a weak moment of wanting touch and sexiness with this person...cause I love sex and intimacy and spiciness it’s a part of who I am! I think I unconsciously wanted to feel normal again with him. It all happened so fast and wasn’t even that great cause I was in my head. Truley on a spiritual level I didn’t want to do that cause I knew it would hurt me and it’s not cool to put another persons health at risk. I feel like a made a big mistake and I feel so frustrated with myself that I didn’t just go home with my friends or just cuddle with him and sleep and keep it nice and simple. I’m filled with immense mind consuming worry,guilt, regret, and fear about it. Thoughts rumbling through my head. But no I don’t want to tell him cause it seems silly at the same time. It’s not a serious relationship it was only once and I am going through with the ozone treatment and won’t see him for a long while. I don’t feel like he caught it. Is that so bad? If we do have sex again it would not be for a long time if even and I would hopefully be at a different health state with my determined hope and commitment to healing..any advice ? Is it so bad if I don’t tell him?What do you think? 

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Hi I'm 22 and was diagnosed about 3 months ago with hsv2.  I've been struggling with be same type of dilemma except I haven't put myself out there to make a mistake yet.  I say dont tell him tho.  Herpes is not as big of a deal as people act like it is.  The chance of him getting is was 4% which is not large at all.  I agree that people have the right to know but I also believe in self preservation.  You need to take care of yourself now in the fragile time.  You're allowed to make a mistake.

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I'm on the other side of this I think it is the responsible thing to tell him. I had sex with a friend before I found out and I broke out so I went to the doctor and got tested then again after I healed up and before I got my results. I told her and she accepted me though we are going to get her tested. She has helped me except myself a lot through this. There is always still the chance or most of us probably wouldn't have hsv. If you were in his position wouldn't you want to know.

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@Gypsy22Thank you for your reply I appreciate the support it means more than you know. Yes I’m shocked at myself for making the mistake but I think these mistakes do have deeper meaning that lead to beautiful lessons and understanding our own nature good and bad. No matter how icky it all feels. It’s time for some self work, forgiveness, and reflection so I can make better choices it can all be a blessing in disguise. I told a older male friend who also understands our pain..his words : “You gotta just get back on track and keep doing your best. He made the choice for unprotected sex as well. So it is not your cross to bear alone.You are young! Have fun and don't stress. Learn your lesson and forget your mistake just not the lesson.Life is too short for guilt. Just reset and do your best moving forward.” These words also were helpful for me. Let go of the mistake and remember the lesson. Thank you again for your kind and gentle response it helps so much in times of so much self shame. I agree with you. Much much love we are all in this together and we can all work through it to become stronger and more compassionate and beautiful. 

 

 

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@Donteattheworm I totally understand your perspective as well of course. Trust me I was so upset and confused with the person who I believe spread it to me. He was older in age and life experience and I was the one that asked him if he was clean and wanted to use a condom ( there was no condom available ). After my diagnosis he said he didn’t know never had symptoms etc. and I feel he should have been more aware of his own health because it’s a mature and important thing to do. However, I forgive him and talked to him with love and compassion and understanding.I still send him love and healing we are all human. And who even knows anything for sure maybe it was someone else who gave it to me...herpes is no simple thing. And no one is perfect, ya know that’s why I am on this site feeling conflicted and confused about it all. Of course it’s “responsible” to tell someone. But no situation is the exact same. In my circumstance it’s a low chance he picked up anything. One sexual encounter. I have been taking really good care of my body I spent a lot of money on herbal suppression and so many intensive supplements. I am practicing more prevention and body awareness  than someone who doesn’t know they have it. But morally I feel that by telling him it would cause more confusion and who knows he could already have the antibodies. In any case I don’t want to overcomplicate things for anyone. Of course If he did end up having symptoms and reaches out I will be upfront and 100% honest and clear. As of now I feel in my heart it’s unnecessary. I have been spending lots of energy meditating / praying and sending him love and light in hope that he has not caught anything.  And I have been advised by many people who relate to having herpes to not say anything in this specific circumstance.

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I would tell him. The person I was seeing didnt tell me. I'm just having my first ob and I've been admitted to the hospital due to my body's reaction to the virus. I wish he would have told me when we started sleeping together as my medical team and I spent 3 days trying to figure out why I've had a 103 fever and vomiting...turns out I contracted herpes.

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Why is it that only 4% chance that a man gets HSV2 from an infected female ??

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I’m also having sex with my boyfriend of 5 months without condom — instead of telling him I just decided to stay on daily Valtrex — im embarrassed & terribly scared that he’s gonna get infected, ughhh. I got infected 20+ years ago through oral sex , he had a cold sore —- ughhh I was young & dumb !!!!! I’ve been paying the price , as soon as i stop Valtrex I have a BO— but not on vaginal area —- & it’s not fluid filled sores but only a single red burning bump on rectum , it’s awful ...

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I feel that the main reason for not telling this person is the fear that they will judge you. Consider the kind of relationship you have with them to help you make the most suitable approach. I have been in a similar situation (sex with no condom) and had terrible anxiety because I felt I had betrayed the other person by not disclosing beforehand. I did end up telling him after a few weeks and received a positive response: he only wanted to know if it was harmful to his health and if there was anything he needed to do. I explained that it is highly unlikely that he contracted herpes, and that it wasn't a big issue health wise. The main reason I felt I needed to tell him is because of the level of guilt and anxiety I had that he could potentially have herpes symptoms and not know where they came from or how to deal with them. At least if he knew it was from me he would have a support system. Unlike my experience, where am still searching for a support system. It also made me feel so much more at ease with myself, as though a burden had been lifted. I think the best approach is to just say it and not expect acceptance or rejection and be open to have a conversation about it.

ps. Am still learning that last part.      

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On 7/28/2018 at 5:18 PM, Heyhay said:

Why is it that only 4% chance that a man gets HSV2 from an infected female ??

To jump in and clarify this question, it's all about mucous membrane: Penises have less mucous membrane (aka, thicker skin) than vaginas (thinner, more permeable membrane). Hope this helps clear things up! 


Free e-book & handouts: https://herpesopportunity.com/free-ebook-signup.html 
The Opportunity Lifestyle Guides: https://herpeslife.com/opportunity2
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On 7/17/2018 at 7:22 PM, Lola Meow said:

So I had not had sex since I found out I have HSV2 three months ago with one upsetting breakout. Since then I have been trying to focus on healing (it’s taken so much time to wrap my head around) I was finally starting to feel better. I began taking great supplements, eating healthy, doing yoga, and have been planning to do ozone treatment. I wanted to do this treatment before ANY sex again as another form of self care. I began feeling empowered with this diagnosis and excited to try the ozone and stay sex free for a while focusing on my inner work, good health, life goals, and loving my self. But then the other night I drank a bit and...I ended up having sex with this adorable guy who I have hooked up with on and off for some time. I did so without protection or telling him (no outbreak of course) he’s super cute and sweet and I like him and having sex with him but it’s nothing serious. I feel so fucking mad at myself like I almost just betrayed all my progress in a weak moment of wanting touch and sexiness with this person...cause I love sex and intimacy and spiciness it’s a part of who I am! I think I unconsciously wanted to feel normal again with him. It all happened so fast and wasn’t even that great cause I was in my head. Truley on a spiritual level I didn’t want to do that cause I knew it would hurt me and it’s not cool to put another persons health at risk. I feel like a made a big mistake and I feel so frustrated with myself that I didn’t just go home with my friends or just cuddle with him and sleep and keep it nice and simple. I’m filled with immense mind consuming worry,guilt, regret, and fear about it. Thoughts rumbling through my head. But no I don’t want to tell him cause it seems silly at the same time. It’s not a serious relationship it was only once and I am going through with the ozone treatment and won’t see him for a long while. I don’t feel like he caught it. Is that so bad? If we do have sex again it would not be for a long time if even and I would hopefully be at a different health state with my determined hope and commitment to healing..any advice ? Is it so bad if I don’t tell him?What do you think? 

Don't know if you're still actively using this forum but I so closely relate to this situation. I've actually been in it twice but the first time was mostly in ignorance. So when I was first diagnosed, around the same time as you.... right before spring break and my 21st, I was sexually active with 3 guys(not all together). I feel like that sounds awful but two of them were on and off hook ups for years and one was a new guy I was getting to know. anyway, I was with one of the old flings about 5 days before I hung out with the new guy again, and leading up to this day I was feeling awful and felt like I had a UTI and a fever... no blisters, no other visible signs, but I did have a bad feeling about it and it might've crossed my mind about being HSV at one point because I'm a hypochondriac. ANYWAY, I went out drinking and saw the guy and he kept insisting on going home with me, even if I was sick and what not, and I thought ya whats the harm? We ended up having sex but the whole time it was awful because I was in pain everywhere so I stopped, thinking it was my UTI and period cramps (I was bleeding), and it turns out the next day I found a pimple or ingrown hair looking bump, right in the pubic area. At that moment I just knew... no doubt in my mind. but I went into denial until getting tested and never told  him because I didn't want to believe it and felt awful about it. Turns out I think he could've gotten it because he was sick a few days later and we slowly stopped talking and he got a girlfriend like a week later lol.. at that point I was like ok he moved on, so I need to. But it didn't really end there, one of the old flings ended up being where I was for spring break and in a drunken, vulnerable state of mind I went to his room with him and had unprotected sex. i was on anti-virals and no outbreaks but I couldn't help but think about it the whole time.... and then I would keep justifying it with things like, people have told me he had it for years (rumors around college), or that he'll be fine with the low transmission rates and whatever. But I still feel guilty about this especially bc I did it knowingly, unlike the first time. I definitely don't think he got it either as he  has a gf now as well and seemed completely fine (or did actually have it already). but I feel like we did this well for one, because we both enjoy spontaneous, intimate, sexy, connections and HSV makes it feel so not and makes me so insecure. I also think its our way of just feeling like having it is normal and didn't affect our sex lives, and that I'm still the same person. IDK this is a rant, I just really connected with this post because Ii have struggled on whether or not to say anything but I feel they moved on just fine. Now the hard part is finally disclosing before sex.... hope I do or I'm celibate forever and i cannot live like that. 

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Forgive me for disagreeing, but I believe you should tell him.

I gave herpes to my lover and it had a tremendous negative impact on his life.  He had a serious live in relationship with a woman he loved (yeah, I know, if he loved her why did he cheat?) and he had to tell her he cheated and has herpes. She left him.  He's very young and I'm much, much older. He'll have to live with herpes the rest of his life and it was my fault.  

Yes forgive yourself, but now do the right thing. Also, if he did contract it, and I understand the risk isn't terribly high, he could spread it to other women. 

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I’m sorry but that is not okay. You need to tell him. It is your responsibility as the infected party to not infect others/ to disclose and allow the other party to make that decision on their own. It’s not okay. By not disclosing you are taking away the other party’s right to decide if they want to choose to have sex with an infected individual or not. This is not your decision to make!!! It’s extremely immature to not disclose. If you are too embarrassed or too afraid to disclose you should not be having sex then. End of story. I’m truly grossed out by others not disclosing before having sex. Rather you feel like your not infectious or not. It is not your choice!! Don’t take that away from your partner. Just because we have herpes does not mean we have to be irresponsible and possible infect others. Do for others what was not done for us (disclose). 

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I don't think it's bad. I am from the UK and I have been told by medical professionals that you don't need to disclose if I didn't want to, at the end of day I am on daily suppressive therapy so its a very tiny chance I could pass this. They don't test for herpes unless you have a sore to swab so a lot of people out there don't know they have it so having sex with anyone is a chance. With not using a condom I would personally be wary as I don't want to risk picking up anything else so unless I am in a long term relationship then I will always make sure that we use a condom.

I was rejected last time I had sex. I told the guy before we had sex thinking I was doing the right responsible thing and it didn't seem a problem till days after when he said it is the only thing that has put him off me is that I have an incurable std...funny that to tell me after we have sex.

From that experience and how the UK clinics don't test for it has made me in two minds whether to bother disclosing. I mean no one has ever came out with before kissing me that they have suffered from cold sores. I just feel opening up to someone about this kills the moment and makes me feel grose rather than feeling sexy. 

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