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Emotionally distraught after 3 years


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Hi everyone-

I was diagnosed in 2010 with hsv2. Like others I was shocked, distraught, etc. I had only had sex with my bf of 3 years. I got an open sore down below 3 days after oral sex. He tested negative. My doc told me the virus could've been dormant. I thought, 'Well that's weird.'

 

Fast forward to today- no more bf (he broke up with me for different reasons- not hsv2). I started seeing this guy about 6 months ago, who I adore. Yes, we had sex, he had an std test about two months later and his test was negative. I feel like such a dumbass because I haven't told him I have this virus and I know that's not fair to him. When we had sex (unprotected), I didn't have tingling, itching,etc. Everyday I beat myself up, struggling for the right environment and the right way to tell him.

 

I guess I didn't say anything because he was going through a stressful time in his life. Now that that is behind him, I feel like now is the time to be brave. My only question is -- is it acceptable to tell him I recently found out I have it? I feel like, well I know he will feel I deceived him and I don't want to hurt him. Also, I know I'll break down and cry when I do have the talk. Advice?

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You have learned something very valuable here: This is how you feel when you don't tell a partner that you have herpes. Your integrity is kicking in. I imagine your integrity was trying to kick in before, too, but you were to scared to follow it. And I've been there in my past. When I was deep in my shame about having herpes ... And it taught me my valuable lesson that sticks with me to this day. My integrity is that much stronger because of it.

 

And before you ask for advice from people you don't know, ask yourself first. What does your integrity say about telling him you recently found out you have it? When you imagine telling him that, how do you feel? It's not a decision we can make for you.

 

And since you asked, I suggest you be 100% honest with him, because building a relationship on honesty is a powerful foundation for a relationship. And ironically, the only way to possibly create that trust in this relationship is to vulnerably and authentically share that you had betrayed his trust. He may not forgive you for that. And he may. If he does, the foundation of trust is solid and you get to move on from there learning a valuable lesson about relationship.

 

But of course you already knew that, didn't you? :) Sometimes we ask questions we already know the answers to, hoping that we'll get answers that save us from doing the courageous thing.

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