He's willing to work things out and I'm pushing him away

[Disney36]

Hi, I was diagnosed with genital hsv2 in April, I've only had one breakout. I've been dating an awesome guy for 2 weeks, we've been on 2 dates, I told him my status at the end of our 2nd date, he has hsv1 orally. He is freaking out, but still talking to me,  hes said some really hurtful things out of fear and ignorance. He is willing to take things slowly and try and work through it, I feel myself pushing him away, bcz I don't want him to settle. I asked him if we slept together would he regret it,  he said when it happens I will be in my doctors office the next day getting tested. That statement killed me, I feel like in his eyes I'm a walking petri dish and it hurts. Thank you for reading this, I guess I'm just looking for some advice and support. 

[beBravebeBOLD]

Hello, I’m really new at responding to people on here but your message resonates with me like no other.   I always have a fear of giving my gift away so I’d rather pull away or push someone away.  When ppl make statements like “I don’t want it” or “I’ll be getting tested” it makes me not even want to ever have to put them through that or me for that matter because I’d dread their results. With that being said maybe letting the guy know that you understand his stance but NO ONE SIGNED up for this so if this isn’t a forever thing and full acceptance thing where the risk is outweighed by the love and great life you want to build with us (H carriers) then leave. If a person is saying I don’t want it to happen and IF it happens those are words that mean I would never be comfortable engaging in sex because I’d be thinking what if.. if I date an H negative person I’d need that person to have 0 reservations and tell me that they are all in because WE are in this together and a skin condition won’t keep him away.. 

 

[beBravebeBOLD]

Also, you should be concerned with him having HSV1 because that can also be transmitted to you vaginally and you’d  have hsv1 down there as well. Ppl think oral hsv is innocent, but it is not (I have hsv 1 genitally because of that)  So in a sense tell him you’d be getting tested  the next day as well. He’s the pot calling the kettle black 

[Disney36]

Thank you for responding. I keep telling him that his condition is the same exact thing as mine, he told me to stop comparing him to me, they are totally different, he would never be rejected for a cold sore, very big blow to the gut. I told him I am still me, nothing has changed that. He keeps talking about the what ifs, I told him what if we have an amazingly active and happy life together and what if you never get it. I also told him I completely understand his hesitation, I didn't sign up for this.

[beBravebeBOLD]

Right I for sure didn’t sign up for it! And I got it from the person I lost my virginity too :(. And please let him know HIS virus is HSV-1 and it’s causes cold sores on the mouth and can be passed to the genitials. I have HSV-1 on my vagina so yes sir it  sis EXACTLY the same and I’ll send you my result to prove it.  Also, you told very soon. Where did you get the courage for that? I usually wait a while longer to make sure I even like the guy before I’d dare give any that info. But I actually admire your approach. Mine perhaps is out of fear but you have the right idea! Tell soon and you’ll save yourself a lot of grief.   I also think this guy is cool for being up for discussion but maybe after two dates he hasn’t gotten the full view of you anyways. What if you tell him you two should just continue dating as true and honest friends to see if there is something there anyways. You may not end up wanting to be with this guy or he may warm up to the idea and understanding that 3% is a risk YOUR ARE WORTH.  But also keep your worth and value in check because if he never warms to it HE isn’t the ONE for you anyways! This is a part of us now so it’s love ALL of me or... I’ll meet the person that will!! 

 

[Disney36]

You are awesome!! Thanks you so much. When I explain to him his herpes is the same as my herpes he gets upset. I'm 36 years old, have 2 kids, I tell up front bcz I'm not wasting my time or theirs, I'm not getting any younger,  lol. I dont think I'm going to keep going after him, if he is that ignorant and paranoid, he can't get tested after each time we have sex, that would be crazy and he would never be comfortable with it. I've been doing a lot of thinking and sole searching and realized he will never see me for me, just for what I have. Thanks you for all of your support. 

[Sumshine]

He's obviously uneducated/ignorant on the subject of Herpes and that's exactly how people end up with it. He can certainly shed the virus at any given time via oral sex. He really needs to know that, but he seems to be turning a blind eye. I think I would send him the proof before moving forward.

[Lily7]

14 hours ago, beBravebeBOLD said:

He’s the pot calling the kettle black 

Amen to that sister!  You know what, he doesn’t sound like the one.  He’s not getting it! He gets all upset when he has the herpes virus as well.  You think he would be more understanding of the stigma that goes along with it.

[Disney36]

Thanks, I sent him links to different sites, hes researched himself (so he says).

[beBravebeBOLD]

Hey I’m happy my words helped and your approach and just talking helped me a lot. It’s sooo many people with this diagnosis but it always seems like such a lonely isolated punishment so this exchange helped me to know I’m not alone... 

[Disney36]

Me too, It also made me realize I'm still me, not just a statistic. If you ever need to talk feel free to send me a message. 

[BFree]

My advice:  Cut him loose!  He is not a kind person, making mean and cruel comments when you talk with him about this important matter.  And actually, it doesn't even matter that HSV is the topic  He should be lifting you up emotionally, not tearing you down.   You're only two weeks in and he's treating you this way.  That is a huge red flag!  Run!

[Disney36]

I'm definitely keeping him at a distance.  The things he said were very hurtful and completely out of ingorance, if he had cared and done any amount of research he would have know what he was saying was completely false and not hurt me. Thank you for your advice,  I've been one foot out the door from that day.