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So I've had herpes for 4 months now and I've developed this fear of being vulnerable. I'm terrified that someone will find out this little secret I have and judge me based on it. However, I've realized this fear has always been present. I've just been really good for the most part of masking that fear. I've sat back for the past 4 months as people share themselves on here and I think "Wow, they're really courageous." Yet, I've been unable to post for fear that I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. If I post it online, then I'm just asking for other to people to validate that I'm okay and I don't want them to think I'm needy. Well I'm done (I'm still terrified don't get me wrong) but I'm going to start being a little more open and real. You all are wonderful people and if there's one place I want to start being open it would be in such a supportive group.

 

Well my story is one that brings along a lot of shame and pain (surprising right?). I wish I could say that as the months have gone by its become easier to deal with, however I don't dwell on it 100% of the time so I guess that's an improvement. there are a million things that scare me about the future, some directly due to this others indirectly. I guess the hardest part though is that I've never had to look at myself this closely and all I see is someone terrified. I don't know how I've even made it this far in life based on how scared I am on a daily basis. I can't even be transparent on here knowing that there's no judgement. Hopefully this will be step forward though, a little honesty and a bit of who I am.

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Hi cr

 

I'm glad you took the step to open up about your situation. I really think it will help you move onto acceptance and ultimately being truly peaceful with your new reality - one which we all share!

 

I hope you're coming to see that we all need things at different times in our lives but that does not make us needy or dependant. It just means you are looking for support at a difficut time. That's ok. It's natural and you'll pay it forward in time. Nobody needs to validate that you are ok. You are as is and will continue to be. However, based on my own experience, it does take some time to realize that. I'm not there yet either but I know it will come now based on the accounts people have shared in this forum. In other words I guess I've acknowledged hope. My feeling is that's the beginning of healing. Maybe you've got a little glimmer of it?

 

I can imagine acquiring hsv in the way that you did may be extra difficult, mostly around being betrayed by a friend. I assume from your story that he didn't disclose to you. Maybe he didnt know. In any case it's a challenging situation to come to terms with; but I really do think you will in time. You've begun by sharing your story here.

 

Your level of transparency in this forum is the level that's right for you at this point. Share as is comfortable for you at the moment. I'm very new to this myself but I can already see its a process to full acceptance and peace with this. Everyone has their own pace and unique steps to take. You'll likely get a chance to know yourself very well as you take the opportunity to look at yourself close up. Maybe it won't be as terrifying as you think!

 

I agree with you - my sense is that this is a step forward for you. It will get better and better. Maybe not all at once and maybe not in a linear way. But ultimately better.

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Hey CR_19! So nice to hear from you! I know what a huge step it is to come out on these forums....sometimes it can take every ounce of courage we can muster. But you did it! That's honestly the hardest part. Becoming honest with yourself about how much pain you're in, and sharing yourself vulnerably here is the start of an amazing transformation. The key is to keep sharing. Once we put ourselves out there, I think there can be a reflex to almost retreat afterwards....like we do it, and then think "What the hell was I thinking?!" Hehe ;) Keep sharing and you're going to find those walls slowly starting to come down.

 

Have you had a chance to watch Brene Brown's video on the Power of Vulnerability? It's incredible. I seriously watched it over and over again....I needed to brainwash myself with it's truth. We want to hide from being vulnerable, and yet everything we want is on the other side being vulnerable. Just one of life's interesting paradoxes. Here's the link if you haven't seen it:

 

http://herpeslife.com/brene-brown-authenticity-connection-vulnerability-shame-guilt-herpes

 

Much love to you!!!!

 

Beckie :)

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Thank you ladies for your wonderful words of encouragement! I guess sometimes you need to just release whatever it is you're thinking. I'm pretty independent and it's hard realizing needing help from others won't take away that independence.

 

I've gone up and down so many times in the past couple of months that its hard to see if at any point I'm actually beginning to heal. But I'm hoping that this will be a better start than the others. As for my friend, I don't believe he knew (not that he acknowledged anyways) but I don't blame him for it. Honestly, I have not known how to deal with what happened even before I found out I had herpes. I've just ignored it for the most part because there's so many emotions associated with that I don't know where to even begin.

 

As for the "reflex to retreat", I definitely had that right after I posted it. I thought about deleting the post because it sounded stupid and pointless to me. However, the longer I left it up and not let my brain over-think things, the more I saw that it was fine and actually therapeutic in its own way. I've actually seen Brene's video before but seeing it again was a powerful reminder how scary it is to be vulnerable but how necessary it is to have a truly healthy life. I'm going to try to also brainwash myself with it ;) and see if it helps.

 

Hugs!!

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Yay you! That's awesome you overrode your initial thoughts to delete your post! Isn't it amazing how hard we are on ourselves? "Stupid"? "Pointless"? The things we tell ourselves are so powerful! It's no wonder so many of us hold ourselves back, convincing ourselves that we're not good enough. At what magical point would we ever BE good enough with our ego running the show?

 

All that aside, where are you at with those emotions associated with how things played out with your friend? I understand it's complex. Have you considered going to see a counsellor or someone else who can help you start to sort through all of that? Take it from someone who is a master at the shove-down...you don't want to do that! If you're overwhelmed with unresolved emotions because of what played out, it's really in your best interest to start to look at it, with someone you trust, as soon as you can.

 

Much love to you,

 

Beckie :)

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I don't know exactly where I'm at with those emotions. I went to a counselor for two months but I've recently moved so I won't be able to see anyone again until August. I'm actually attending the weekend this upcoming weekend so I guess that's a step but honestly the closer the date gets the more terrified I become.

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Coming to this weekend is a brave thing. Courageous. And this quote couldn't be more true: "The cave that you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek." I'm proud of you for taking this step for yourself. Looking forward to seeing you in a few days! :)

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