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Herpes rejection: Really not the right one or just a cop-out?


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I am having a really rough time tonight. I disclosed last week I had herpes, honestly I wasn't really too much into the guy but he was so sweet and nice that I thought giving it a chance to a different type of guy I pick. His initial reaction was to tell me "I am a different guy and do not base a relationship in sex, I care about you, you are a very attractive woman and I want to get to know you more" he followed sending me flowers the next day .

 

Well I saw him yesterday, we talked extensively about this, and he continued to say how wonderful I was and he was ok with that. Well - tonight he calls me to say he was not strong enough. That oral sex was very important for him and he would not be able to stop even if I wanted him to stop.

 

I told him, I appreciated him calling and not sending an email (like the last guy). He also treated me with respect and like a gentleman and for that I thank him. He followed to say we could stay friends but ended saying If I ever needed something I could call him or email him that he would be there for me (too much for a friendship I thought)

 

He also suggested I get involved with someone that has the same problem... (?)

 

I am at a very low point, not because the rejection... but to think this is a journey that is probably more than I can bare... to think in the person that gave me this (KNOWING HE HAD IT) not sure what to feel.

 

2 guys this year have told me how wonderful and attractive I am BUT.......... and to say that they were not the right person seems to me like a cop-out right now instead of facing the fact that indeed and honestly if I was in their shoes I would probably would not get involved with someone that had an STD.

 

I am not scared of how my life it is going to play out, I am a very strong woman and I have gone through a lot in my life. But it makes me VERY SAD to only have had 1 partner and to be destined to be alone the rest of my life... or to have to settle with someone that CANT have sex.

 

Am I wrong wanting to have sex with someone that actually loves me?! This is so hard - worst part is that it impacts my regular life - tomorrow at work probably I will be a little insecure and my interactions will be a little rough until I forget the feeling - maybe by night when I am able to sweat this out during my exercise routine.

 

I have found out that most people say oh it is not a problem until the go to the internet and they see all those pictures and comments.

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Hey Moveon!

 

I hear you. I can see how that could be discouraging. And it could seem like saying "He's not the right one" is simply a cop-out. But ultimately, that's how it played out: He thinks it's a "problem" ... You said it yourself: You're just not that into him. And you see what you said about you being the type of person who wouldn't date someone with an STD? Of course you'd feel like this is a dead end. You're hanging onto that belief now even as a person with an STD. I find that the people who don't think getting an STD is a big deal are the people who never did judge STDs to begin with; the people (like you and me and plenty of others) who struggle with their STD diagnosis are the people who judged "those dirty people" with STDs. The work here is to actively shift that belief within yourself that having an STD means all those horrible things. The deeper you truly believe that no one without an STD would want to date someone with an STD, then you will attract those people who won't want to take that chance. But think about it: The person who truly connects with you on a deep level and appreciates what they find will not see a simple skin condition as a barrier to moving into a deeper relationship. Be careful you aren't actually creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Especially considering how you got herpes from a guy who basically lied to you, that feels like another layer to your beliefs around what herpes means to YOU. I'm hearing that herpes means 2 major things to you so far: 1) No one without herpes will want to date you, 2) herpes means dishonesty and distrust. Those are beliefs you are choosing to hold onto on a deep level. And I'm not judging you for that. I held onto those beliefs for so LONG ... until I realized I was holding onto them and I had the choice to let go of them and live my life.

 

And no, of COURSE you aren't wrong wanting to have sex with someone who actually loves you. ;) Listen to yourself: You just said as if it's a matter of fact that you are destined to be alone the rest of your life! Be careful of making absolute statements like that as if they are absolute truth. They aren't. I can find plenty of proof to disprove your definitive statements. If you take a few rejections as grounds for a 100% belief in how your future with herpes will be, then your future will undoubtedly be that way. I promise! I speak from experience. Now herpes is NOT a block for me in the SLIGHTEST. And this has happened for many people on this site as well. It's a deep, profound perspective shift that happens, and after that shift happens, you won't see the world this way anymore. Give yourself a break, please. It hurts my heart to hear you talk so definitively about something that could ultimately have such a minimal impact on your life if you shift your attitude to yourself. Give yourself the option of considering that you will find plenty of people who will love you regardless of herpes. Because that's the actual TRUTH. I promise you. Pinky promise. ;)

 

And with all that said, let me be clear: I also honor all of your pain, sadness, anger ... Allowing yourself to feel all of that is perfectly okay and healthy. I am standing up to all of those cruel things you're saying about yourself. It's just not cool with me when you treat yourself like that. It's not cool with me that you are saying hurtful things that will have you feeling less than about yourself. I am standing for your greatness, your lovability, your beauty, your sexiness, your future. This isn't the end. It's the beginning of a deeper path for you.

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