How do I tell the girl I'm dating that I have herpes?

[Rachael]

So here goes my first post....

i am dating a girl and things are going well and I feel like I need to tell her before things go any further. I am terrified that she is going to run a mile once she knows. I have so much anxiety over this and don't know where to start the conversation.

any advise on this topic?

 

[annalove]

I just had my first in person disclosure to someone I was dating so I totally know what you’re going through. Although we had been dating a couple months I wasn’t super invested in him and was still deciding if I really liked him and saw a potential future with him romantically.  So to be honest although it was scary, it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. 

I knew I wanted to disclose in person. All my other disclosures have been via text and to casual partners. Because I had been dating this person, in person felt right to me. First off, I practiced. I went through how I would bring it up and start the conversation. Tried different versions and was thoughtful about how it would make me feel if I was the one being disclosed to. I made a serious attempt to not apologize or dramatize. I stated the facts. It went something like this.

Side note: I had told him previously there was something I wanted to discuss with him but preferred to do it in person. We had multiple conversations about how we were feeling about one another throughout the time we were dating, so it was related to one of those convos. 

Him: “so what is this thing you wanted to talk about?” 

Me: “I’m not really sure if this conversation is necessary because I think we are both still figuring out how we feel about one another, but I’ve enjoyed spending time with you and regardless of what happens, it’s important for me to be honest. Awhile back i was seeing someone and after things ended, I found out he had exposed me to herpes. For me it hasn’t been an issue physically, as I don’t have symptoms. But I have made the choice to always disclose to my partners so in that way, I do have to deal with it. I know you appreciate honesty and I felt this information needed to be on the table for both of us to figure out what we want to do moving forward” 

He then asked me some questions and I asked him some. Turns out he had been disclosed to before, which was refreshing. But I do think he was not fully expecting that type of conversation, even though he knew I wanted to discuss something with him. We continued to talk and hung out again, but aren’t seeing each other any longer. Before I disclosed to him I asked him how he was feeling about us seeing one another and he said he didn’t know if he would be staying in our city because he may be moving for school. And that he likes me but just can’t say he’s in a place to make a commitment, although he would be open to that changing. I ended up ending things between us because I’m in a place where I want to make someone a priority, and I want someone to make me a priority. He wasn’t in that same place. 

Although I’m sure he wasnt stoked about the herpes situation, he didn’t ghost me and continued to want to see me. We were never physical but he did tell me when we were ending things he had those sexual and romantic feelings for me. I knew he had been holding back as he didn’t want to emotionally confuse me, as that happens when sex is involved. 

Overall, my biggest suggestion is to 1) practice practice practice 2) find a quiet private moment to disclose and 3) thoughtfully consider when is the right time. Disclosing too soon doesn’t give them enough time to value your personality and see qualities they like in you. The fact is as long as you do it before oral or intercourse, you in my opinion haven’t put them at any risk. 

Best of luck! 

[mr_hopp]

First off, have you read our e-book and handouts? A great place to start!
https://herpesopportunity.com/free-ebook-signup.html 

Mindset is at the root of it all. Perspective. How you feel about yourself. How you see yourself. 

[Rachael]

2 hours ago, annalove said:

I just had my first in person disclosure to someone I was dating so I totally know what you’re going through. Although we had been dating a couple months I wasn’t super invested in him and was still deciding if I really liked him and saw a potential future with him romantically.  So to be honest although it was scary, it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. 

I knew I wanted to disclose in person. All my other disclosures have been via text and to casual partners. Because I had been dating this person, in person felt right to me. First off, I practiced. I went through how I would bring it up and start the conversation. Tried different versions and was thoughtful about how it would make me feel if I was the one being disclosed to. I made a serious attempt to not apologize or dramatize. I stated the facts. It went something like this.

Side note: I had told him previously there was something I wanted to discuss with him but preferred to do it in person. We had multiple conversations about how we were feeling about one another throughout the time we were dating, so it was related to one of those convos. 

Him: “so what is this thing you wanted to talk about?” 

Me: “I’m not really sure if this conversation is necessary because I think we are both still figuring out how we feel about one another, but I’ve enjoyed spending time with you and regardless of what happens, it’s important for me to be honest. Awhile back i was seeing someone and after things ended, I found out he had exposed me to herpes. For me it hasn’t been an issue physically, as I don’t have symptoms. But I have made the choice to always disclose to my partners so in that way, I do have to deal with it. I know you appreciate honesty and I felt this information needed to be on the table for both of us to figure out what we want to do moving forward” 

He then asked me some questions and I asked him some. Turns out he had been disclosed to before, which was refreshing. But I do think he was not fully expecting that type of conversation, even though he knew I wanted to discuss something with him. We continued to talk and hung out again, but aren’t seeing each other any longer. Before I disclosed to him I asked him how he was feeling about us seeing one another and he said he didn’t know if he would be staying in our city because he may be moving for school. And that he likes me but just can’t say he’s in a place to make a commitment, although he would be open to that changing. I ended up ending things between us because I’m in a place where I want to make someone a priority, and I want someone to make me a priority. He wasn’t in that same place. 

Although I’m sure he wasnt stoked about the herpes situation, he didn’t ghost me and continued to want to see me. We were never physical but he did tell me when we were ending things he had those sexual and romantic feelings for me. I knew he had been holding back as he didn’t want to emotionally confuse me, as that happens when sex is involved. 

Overall, my biggest suggestion is to 1) practice practice practice 2) find a quiet private moment to disclose and 3) thoughtfully consider when is the right time. Disclosing too soon doesn’t give them enough time to value your personality and see qualities they like in you. The fact is as long as you do it before oral or intercourse, you in my opinion haven’t put them at any risk. 

Best of luck! 

Thank you Anna for your post it means a lot to be able to discuss this with people who are going through the same thing.

i feel like I need to be better prepared for the potential questions that she may ask but otherwise waiting for the right time to bring it up.

[Rachael]

1 hour ago, mr_hopp said:

First off, have you read our e-book and handouts? A great place to start!
https://herpesopportunity.com/free-ebook-signup.html 

Mindset is at the root of it all. Perspective. How you feel about yourself. How you see yourself. 

Thank you for this