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Positive but not so positive (ghsv1)

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4 days in with my hsv-1 diagnosis and I have been a mess to say the least. My newly discovered positive results have me not so positive, which is very unlike me. I cry about the diagnosis, I cry about my future and I just cry. My sister is a doctor and has been extremely helpful in this, but also tells me to just confide in her (which I know I will appreciate in the long run not telling just everyone about this) but also somewhat shameful. I find myself being upset for my family and friends? As if this somehow impacts their life just knowing me (someone with herpes now). I still hookup with one of my exes casually when I visit home and the idea of losing him completely makes me breakdown even more. I know I shouldn't, but I feel extremely unlovable and undesirable. I have never thought of myself as unattractive but now when I look in the mirror I just see disgust and start crying. I want to think of it as just a skin problem, but the idea i could give it to someone else down the road and them potentially feel like this, makes me feel sick. My sister convinced me to just do life normal and see how it doesn't impact me, and while its true my feelings about myself have changed, which in turn has changed life (for now at least). I went out with my friends and all I could think of in the back of my mind was how different I am than everyone. I was looking around thinking "who else is like me" the stats are so high at least some of these people at the bar have to be like me. right? I'm really glad I have my sister to ask the very obvious questions like "well you weren't different last weekend when you didn't know.." And I get that but I was happy last weekend in my bliss of not knowing. I hate the day I found out, it brought my world into a swirling black hole of sadness. I'm taking the medicine because I can't imagine how I would feel if I had another outbreak so soon. The idea of being the fun, loud, loving person I was a week ago feels like a whole lifetime ago and unreachable now. I can breakdown at just the thought this diagnosis may change who I am completely. I don't want to be upset about something so stupid, my outbreaks are more around my anus - not sure why but I am weirdly grateful for that? My vagina isn't any different but I don't ever want to touch it or look at it again, so why should I ever expect someone else to?

Is this just going to take time? I'm going to look into finding a professional to talk to, but in the mean time do you have any suggestions on how to just move on? Or honestly, just some support would be comforting as I feel very isolated and lonely.


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It will get better each day I think! I myself was just diagnosed almost two weeks ago.. I’m super emotional as well, crying off and on.. I already had issues of anxiety and depression, and this has made them both worse. My boyfriend of a year is sticking around for now,  but I fear abandonment.. It’s 50/50 on who brought it into the relationship.. he says he hasn’t ever had symptoms.. that really doesn’t mean anything.. I just really fear the unknown, I don’t think it’s all about fear of having this virus.. hang in there! There is a man out there that will love you 100%, and of not they aren’t the one anyways. I just want to fast forward and see it work or want to not waste my time. Know your worth is what I keep telling myself. So many people have this shit they just don’t know it.. 1/5 men, and 1/4 women.. we are not alone chic! 

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Hi Chrissy,

i was diagnosed 3 months ago and by reading your post it definitely makes me believe that these emotional feelings are normal in the beginning because I’m still dealing with it. I’ve been in an emotional roller coaster the past 3 months but as the days go by it’s inching its way to getting a little better. I have my days. I can definitely relate to being out and looking at your friends or people and wondering who else has it. Much like us, I’m sure there are others out there. I know for sure my ex who tested positive is out and about and living her life as if nothing has happened (or at least puts makes it believe) and she only found out 2 months ago. I wonder how can she do that while I’m here devastated and depressed. I hate that we have to go through this but I believe and I really hope it just takes time. Finding a professional has helped me as well because at least is someone you can vent to (since I haven’t told anyone) so I do believe it it’s helping me. We are all in this together and here to support each other. Hugs

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