Devastated beyond words

[Jenny333]

I felt as though I needed to join a support group having just been diagnosed 6 days ago. My story is similar to multiple people's stories on here. I have severe problems with depression, self image, & confidence, as well as being an introvert. I have a hard time speaking to guys in general and to know that for the rest of my life I have to tell ppl about the diagnosis makes me not want to live any more. I hated my life before, and I feel like this the cherry on the cake. I havent had sex in 2 years and I don't have unprotected sex ever, the few people I have,  I was in monogamous relationships with and had brought them to get tested for HIV with me.  I feel as though I wouldn't have as much a right to feel as devastated, if I was out having unprotected sex regularly but to go years and not have sex and then to find something like this out is world crushing. I can't stop crying. I prayed when I got the phone call to come to the doctor that this it was cancer, because at least then I'd have a chance of being cured. I can't commit suicide because I take care of my sick mother and I could never do that to her, But I honestly feel like I don't wanna live anymore.  I can't afford my $60 co-pay a week to see a psychiatrist.  I know there's probably nothing that anyone can say to make me feel better,   But other than HIV I can't think of anything worse. 

[Catlady5000]

Hi @Jenny333 I'm so sorry for how you are feeling, it can be rough especially since it is so recent. I know how devasting it feels. Maybe if you could afford going at least once or twice a month that would be good? A lot of herpes is a mental battle. Well herpes is not going to kill you so I would say it is better than cancer, and that is one thing to be thankful for. We are totally human ans this virus is just thing normal human thing to go through. I know it is hard to see that right now because of the pain. It is very common and you are not the only one. I got it from my first time having a partner (protected sex and I'm a virgin) so it was a shock for me as well. I have felt better with time and by being able to talk to people. 

Stay strong, sending love and hugs your way. 

💓

[Jenny333]

@Catlady5000

Thank you so much for replying. It does help to know other people are in the same horrific boat.  I'm so sorry that this happened to you the first time you had sex. Nobody at  all eserves this, but it especially hits hard when you're the safest & most paranoid of all your friends & rarely ever have sex & actually make the people you date get hiv tested before you have sex & always wear protection....  I felt like with cancer,  at least there's a chance they can remove it & i wont have to feel contaminated & embarrassed for the rest of my life.  People can say it's not something to feel ashamed of & logically i know they're right, but truth be told,  it's never not going to be embarrassing or shameful. I think disclosure is hard for anyone but i dont think everyone is an extreme introvert that already has social anxiety & self esteem issues.  It's a whole other level of hard when you had trouble accepting yourself before being diagnosed.  When you were already so afraid of rejection for not being super  skinny or perfect looking as it was. (in hindsight,  i'd give anything to go back & simply feel not good enough for the way i look.) I actually feel as though if i were to ever find someone that would still want to be with me,  i would have to thank them for accepting me & for being willing to touch me,  & this is a horrible feeling. I really feel like death would be better, sometimes.  As irrational as that sounds.  I couldn't kill myself bc i take care of my mother & i can't do that to her,  but it doesn't sound like a bad alternative at the moment. 

 

Anyway, thank you for letting me vent & for understanding & im sending you back much love & light as well... 🙏💙😔

 

Xxxx

J

[JulyP]

Hello @Jenny333

I'm one month in with this thing, so it's fairly recent for me too. I've already had 2 obs and even thou my test was still negative because I just got exposed to the virus by a partner I had been with for a year...but who just told me he had it once I called him during my first ob -tears, pain and all-. Needless to say he won't be in my life anymore. Ok... I was just sharing that to give you some context..Now. About your situation. Breath. In and out. Breath again. You are going to be fine and you will be able to carry on with your life. Take one step at the time. Don't focus on the too much on the future yet. First think about you and taking care of yourself. Eat well, try avoiding things that contain too much arganine so you put a leash on the ob's. Remember that far beyond the stigma, Herpes is a skin condition. First ob's is soo incredibly frightening and heart breaking because you don't know how it is or sometimes not even know what it is. Breath. Try concentrating in the positive things in your life. Take one step at the time and whenever you feel lonely or lost reach out. Thumbs up for you because you are already doing it! 

[Jenny333]

@JulyP thank you so much for the support.  Fortunately i haven't even been aware of a first outbreak. I was a new patient so it showed up on a complete blood panel they did at my new gyno. My old gyno whom retired, didn't do bloodwork without any reason, so I had no clue. Apparently it looks on paper as though i couldve had it for years. I guess theres nothing anyone can say to make me feel better but knowing there are ppl that understand helps. 💜💙💜   much love to you.....

[Heyhay]

So you haven’t had an OB ? Just because you’ve been exposed to the virus you may never have an outbreak, pls stay positive — 

[beBravebeBOLD]

Hello

I understand this diagnosis sucks and it super sucks when you get it and you were cautious and not engaging in any risky activities (I got this from the person I lost my virginity too 😒)so I get how you feel.  

 So back to your story.  Do you know if you tested positive for hsv1 or hsv2?  If you are positive for hsv1 it’s very possible that it’s just for cold sores (on the lips) and I know that’s not the best thing but it doesn’t have to be genital.  The fact that you haven’t had an outbreak is also awesome and for that reason I’d relax (you don’t want to trigger your first ob).