Old Herpes disclosure coming back to haunt me.

[kitcattat]

hi

[james81]

The more I read in this forum the more I realized that this website is not a comunnity help to overcome the H issue but to look out for some comfort after breakups and broken promises.

 

Guys can be whatever you want them to be. I mean, he can be the major a-hole in the Universe but as long as you ignore him he can not harm you. But again, you said you felt vulnerable... vulnerable? so why you met him if you feel in such position?

 

You said you hooked up with him. Before the hook up, did you talk to him about your emotions? Were you crystal clear about it?

 

Did you ask him about what he wanted? a one night stand? a serious relationship?

 

Don't get me wrong, I am not defending my own race (lol) but in my experience all these emotional turmoils are generated by the lack of communication.

 

Since I am the most extrovert person in the solar system I believe talking is the best cure for all ailments.

 

I mean, you already did the most difficult part, THE TALK, well.. before you "hook up" why don't you lay some ground rules?

 

Tell him what are you looking for, ask what he wants, and if both palns matches you guys are good to go to the joyride.

[kitcattat]

Sorry I dont mean to diss on guys...im just angry about this guy. And I was fine when i first met him, but felt vulnerable when he texted me today....so feeling weak and just texted him back, because im weak and pathetic. or atleast thats how i feel now. Because I actually really cared for this guy, he's the first guy Ive really thought I could be in a relationship with after being diagnosed.

Yes, i was very clear with him-or so i thought, but it was also my very first disclosure so it was messy. Yes we had been on many dates and 3 dates after my disclosure we hooked up for the first time. He told me after our disclosure, I can really see us going somewhere and i really care about you so Im not going to throw that away. So i guess he led me on to get what he wanted....and then shortly after peace out...or realized he was more upset about herpes than he thought.

Yes it was a lack of communication, but not on my part by any means...hes the one who just quit talking to me and hes the one who quit trying. I gave it my all... he texts me again 7 months later about how hes been thinking about me and hopes im doing well......he didnt care he only wanted to tell me he had herpes...

 

So im his only option and he can only resort to me...not because he likes me not because hes been "thinking about me" just because im his only option now. i just feel tricked and just terrible about myself.....im only good enough to be a last resort...not a first pick. awesome. so im sorry for being bitter towards men but i really have not seen the good few out there and im a little jaded.

[james81]

HEY HEY!! you can diss on men as much as you want! hahaha I am not gonna be the one defending my homies!

 

From the Darwinist point of view, i should push you gals to think badly about guys, it's like I am eliminating competence LOL. More for me! hahaha just kidding!

 

I am gonna throw you a curve ball and she how you respond.

 

One guy, THIS SPECIFIC GUY, booty-call you (lol that word) he made you feel like his last resort, and yeah, probably in his eyes you were the last chance to get laid. He probably tried with 23,456 women before even try with you. That can be a plausible scenario.

 

So, is that making you the last resort for the 3 billion males left in this planet?

 

That guy attitude and decision made you what you really are?

 

If a woman down the road yells at me "Jaime you look like an ass" Am I automatically an ass in the eyes of everyone? Should I consider myself an ass because one's opinion?

 

So my mom can't stop telling me I am the most handsome son in the world. Why I shouldn't believe her?

 

Ah yeah, because it's a compliment!

 

But the other day I was in the beach and someone told me I have a fat ass.

 

Yeah, it's true,I am a fat ass...

 

Do you get my point? WHY WE PUNISH OURSELVES SO MUCH!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

 

Last thing, this sentence of yours;

 

"so feeling weak and just texted him back, because im weak and pathetic"

 

No you are not. You texted back because you want someone to show you love, you want to feel loved. That's not pathetic. You are confused and you are just putting names into your feelings and jumping to the wrong conclusions.

 

change weak for needy

Pathetic for demanding.

 

Then, when you can handle it, change that sentence for something that goes like "I texted back because I want to"

 

Start showing some love for yourself, and you will have a ton of those guys that you hate now, crying at your dooorstep, begging for some kitcattat's sugar.

 

 

 

PS: I am not a fat ass, actually my ass in awesome :-))

[kitcattat]

Well Im not a last resort, and I know that nor should i be treated like one. I know I am NOT i just feel hurt he would even trick me like that. I understand your point that I'm only feeling this way because of me. but going with your example, your mom tells you that you're a handsome son everyday, but when someone tells you otherwise-you have a fat ass-of course you're going to be upset...doesnt mean you are a fat ass,but you're still going to be upset over it. thats just what im saying, of course im not a last resort, but im hurt anyone would think so. And i was writing all this in anger and frustration and im going to be more dramatic and say im all these things, but thats not truly what i believe.

 

More upset in particular that this guy would think im a last resort...because at one point i was a first pick for him. Im not going to play the literal game where, oh yes he tried to get with other girls before me, because thats not the point!!!! Its the way he made me feel...and i know i am in control of how i feel, not him, but you can't deny that other people do affect the way you feel. I know it's only up to me to control how much i let it affect me, but I'm a guarded person and when someone who I've completely let my walls come down with, hurts me....well I have a harder time controlling how much they affect me.

 

PLUS to throw herpes all into the mix, i am still dealing with it and the lack of confidence it gives me when it comes to dating. and trying to get over the stigma of it all and brush it off like its nothing.Then it is just made a million times harder when someone is rejecting me because of herpes and then doing it all over again. I just feel hopeless and i know i shouldnt, but when you're knocked down repeatedly it's really hard to want to get back up. or put yourself out there...it takes a strong person and Im not quite there yet.

 

The core of it, I am upset I let myself believe he wanted me back when really he just wanted to tell me how much i fucked up his life.

 

I am upset he quit talking to me over herpes

I am upset he used me for sex when I thought we were headed in the direction of a relationship

I am upset over how I let emotions get the best of me and let him hurt me....again.

I am upset herpes has an effect on my dating life because it shouldnt.

[james81]

hey,

 

Seems like I didn't express myself properly.

 

I was saying that when we receive a compliment we don't take it seriously, but when someone makes a mean comment we swallow it and drown in our sorrow. We truly believe it.

 

And that's plain and simply wrong.

 

Let me tell you something that you might not like. All these upsetting feelings, sadness, disappointment, are not because of him, of the H for that matter.

 

You are dealing right now with a low self-esteem problem.

 

You are not upset because he quit talking to you. You are upset cause his actions are the proof you were looking for to convince yourself you are not worth it.

 

You need to start working on building some self-esteem. We all go through that phase in our life for one reason of another.

 

I recommend you to read about cognitive psychology, specially the book called "Feeling Good" by Dr David D. Burns.

 

trust me, this is not on of those pseudo-scientific self-help books that you can find in walmart. This is a branch of psychology and he is a real practitioner.

[kitcattat]

I know that is what is upsetting me! I think we're saying the same thing, just not realizing it lol I know Im upset because of my low self esteem, been a problem all my life. All I'm saying is that it is magnified by like 100 when it comes to herpes and 100 more when it comes to relationships and 30000000000000000 times more when the two are combined. Im saying I always have low self esteem, and i try to build myself back up, but then things set me back. I understand the root of all the problems, i get it. I know what's wrong with me, I'm just trying to sort through the feelings I have associated with this particular problem. I like to talk my emotions out and things seem a lot clearer to me when i can write them out. I don't believe people need all this self help sometimes, i just believe all you need is a listening ear and someone to understand where you are coming from.

 

But thanks for debating with me James its been fun!

[james81]

Oh I get it, you just need to vent it out! lol

 

Glad I helped :))