I just want to die

[Completelylost]

I found out 24 hours ago that I have herpes. I couldn’t even listen to the doctor over the phone to find out which strand. I’m going to see my doctor in a week to talk about it. I’m in my 30s and live in a really small town. It was already impossible to find someone here and now no one is going to want me. I have given up any dream of having kids and a family. I’ve been trying to find a good man for years. I don’t sleep around... I go years without sex. I decide to sleep with a friend of mine who said he was tested over a year ago and was clean and hadn’t been with anyone. We had sex twice and the condom broke. Apparently he has herpes and didn’t know (I believe him). But now all I want to do is die. It’s taken everything in me not to kill myself. I know it’s dramatic but I’ve already had a hard life and this is just another thing to weigh me down. I will never find someone. And I can’t tell anyone without the whole town knowing. I am so lost and I feel like I’ll never be ok again. I am beyond devastated. 

[mr_hopp]

You're stronger than you're letting on. Stronger in the Heart. A powerful question to ask yourself when suicidal thoughts come in is "What in me wants to die right now?" Because on a deeper level, you don't want to die. The part of you who came onto these forums to share this wants to live. The true You wants to Live and Love. The part of you that's hurting wants to die. The part of you who feels like you've done someone wrong wants to die. The part of you who's afraid of being alone forever wants to die. Connect with all of that and acknowledge it, but don't rest in it. Don't take a bubble bath in the hydrochloric acid of your negative thoughts. Let the devastation you feel crack open the false, lower sense of self you've been clinging to. Use the hitting rock bottom as a springboard into shifting your perspective, taking ownership of your actions, and becoming the best version of yourself that you can be. That's your choice. And that's where all your power is. From there, you can summon up the courage to move forward from integrity, knowledge and choice. Knowing yourself makes you more invincible to the outside powers that be. You're more than you're giving yourself credit for. 

[Catlady5000]

Hi @Completelylost I'm so sorry for the emotions you are going through, it must be very difficult. Mr. Hopp also gave you some wonderful advice. 

I remember being very devastated as well. I'm glad that you have found this site and are reaching out for help here. Are you also going through an outbreak? That can make the stress a lot worse. Once symptoms go away and time from diagnosis goes away the feelings subside. Your life is precious and I don't think you should let herpes make you disregard that. It is a virus, and there are millions of viruses on this earth, some would say it is the largest species population. We just have a virus within us but that does not change who we are. If other people feel they have to judge because of it, then I would say they are fairly ignorant. I hope you can seek counseling in your area or perhaps a neighboring town or city because the way that you are feeling is not good for you. 

Sending you love, all of us are here and working things out at the same time with you, so you don't have to feel as alone. 

Maybe try watching Ella Dawson she does a really great inspirational talk about normalizing herpes.

Hope you feel better and reach some support. 

If you are still feeling desperate please reach a suicide hotline and maybe they can help you with your emotions. Maybe it could help to talk to someone who is anonymous and is experienced talking though difficult emotions. So I just want to leave that number if it feels like a good resource for you. 

National suicide hotline tel:1-800-273-8255

hugss!! 

[sarahsfocus]

Those are some great people to talk to.(I called the sucide hotline twice) and they helped me.

 

[Ishmael]

Hey completely lost, just so you know, literally hundreds of millions of people have gone through what you are going now. Hundreds. Of. Millions. And guess what? It's devastating for everyone at first, but please believe me when I say that in the long run, it gets better. Give yourself a year and see where you are then. What's the worst that can happen in one year? In the meantime, post in the someone to talk to thread and I bet you'll find someone who you can talk to that doesn't live in your town and that you don't need to worry about in terms of disclosure. Just posting here means that people will have your back. 

Also, when you have a moment, please post here again and let us know how you're doing.