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Herpes disclosure went terribly


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Well, there was this girl. I was friends with her for a while, and then we decided to go on a date. We didn't go on our date yet, but I started hanging out with her. I went to her house because I left my toothbrush there. We were talking about girls. She told me that she met a girl online one time and went on a date. The girl told her that she really liked her, but that she had to tell her something, which was that she had herpes. She said "hell no" and that it wouldn't ever be worth it. She told me that she was glad she found out before she found out it was a "waste of time". She then asked me if I had ever experienced anything like that. I thought it was about the time to tell her, so I told her I also had herpes. She was surprised, and it was awkward and silent. I tried to make it seem like it was okay, I told her I didn't care what she thought. I said I had to leave and managed to hold the tears back until I got to the car. All of the feelings came back. The feelings of worthlessness, that no one will ever accept me, that I will be alone. All of the fear and depression. I even felt suicidal today. I'm now writing this with sore eyes, thinking about how I'm going to go on in life. I felt like hurting myself and discussed with someone how to get to the ER. I am so damaged and affected by this, I really don't know what to do. Not very many people know about my condition because I don't trust them. I feel so alone, and that maybe it will stay that way, and things won't get better. I want to be loved in that way and it seems like it will never happen. I don't know how to stay strong through moments like this, and it scares me to think it could happen over and over again. Every time I am going to have to crawl out of an endless pit of depression, starting all over again from the beginning, when I tried to hard to want to live again. I really don't know if things get better. Sometimes I don't know why I'm alive. It brings me back to those moments where I just wanted to die. I start thinking about all the things I could do, the different options. This is when I know it has gotten bad yet again. I want to feel like I can just get over it, think positively, move on and love myself anyway, but I just can't. I want to feel like I have some sort of worth as a human being, but I can't. I want to have someone with me that actually understands. I want to leave this place.

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I'm hearing that on a deeper level this isn't really about herpes at all. It's about how you feel about yourself. The next Herpes Opportunity weekend workshop is starting tomorrow, so I can't write much now, but know that I'm feel your pain. But remember that suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem. Please don't kill yourself over something so insignificant as herpes. You are so much bigger than that. You'll look back on this moment and be flabbergasted (yes, I just used that word) that you even CONSIDERED something so drastic. I promise you, your imagination is running wild. It only feels real that you're unlovable. But it's all one big, scary lie.

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