Herpes in the Black Community

[Confusedanddepressed]

Hi everyone! I’m a 24yr old AA female living in North Carolina. I was just diagnosed yesterday and am still in shock. I cried all day afraid of the life I’ll have to live with now. I didn’t have the “typical” first outbreak. In fact, it was so mild I didn’t realize anything too serious was going on. I’m not sure how long I’ve had this but I have to disclose to my boyfriend soon and I’m afraid of rejection. There’s so much stigma around this and I guess that’s fueling my fear. Any advice??

[Lstgryl]

Hi...what you're feeling is totally normal. I went through the same thing. I haven't disclosed to anyone new, so I don't have advice in that area. I take valtrex daily as a means of suppressive therapy and it has helped a ton. It may not seem like it, but it does get better.  I promise you. 

[sarahsfocus]

I really thought I had herpes 2 the depression you feel really takes a hold of you. that's how I felt.your in my prayers and I'm so sorry you feel like your alone in this. but remember your not the only one with this disease. there's other's and things will get better. I'm sure your boyfriend will be understanding.we here at herpes Oppurtunity will help you through this.hugs. Sarah

[Confusedanddepressed]

Hi everyone! I wanted to update with a disclosure story and maybe it’ll help someone who’ll see this one day too! I recently found out my status and it crushed me. The first night I told my boyfriend he was shocked as well but super supportive. He held me while I cried and reassured that he still wanted this relationship and a future with me. He promptly got tested and we are awaiting his results. I told him there was a chance I could have had this a while and he could totally not have it while telling him all about suppression therapy and statistics. He doesn’t care either way. He doesn’t see me any differently. And told me that even if he doesn’t have it, that’s not something he’s too worried about because I was worth any risk. I think I may love him more now than I did before. He’s my best friend but I know the stigma and fear associated with this. Gratefully, if this is my first true OB it was super mild and I only thought I had BV (which I do have that too apparently??) but he has held my hand through it all and I’m determined not to let this define me. Hopeful for the future and that I’ll have the same courage to tell my best friend one day too.  I also wanna change my name from confused and depressed because only positive affirmations belong in my life! (I’m not sure how yet though lol?) 

[sarahsfocus]

good for you. I'm glad you found the right person with you through this. most men wouldn't be understanding. I'm so happy for. I hope you find all the love and happiness you deserve. hugs. have a nice day Sarah

[tmack]

Yes, most men are not understanding. My "spouse" still does not think he has it after 20 years, even with the OBs on his genitals! Funny thing is that I found out that he is a serial cheater who can't keep an erection for too long with a condom on, so I can imagine how many women he has given it to.

I stayed with him out of fear that no one else would want me with this disease and he treated me like nothing. I am really glad you find someone who is so understanding and supportive. 

 

[sarahsfocus]

pardon my French but your husband sounded like a A hole. it sounds like he might be in denial about his herpes status. I think everybody should be tested and know there statues. I would have mixed emotions if I was infected with hav2. I know I have hsv1 I get cold sores. I really think I infected myself with hsv1 on my genitals. I did take a IGg test and my hav1 was 35. and my hsv2 was < 90 but I try to not think about it I'm glad you found someone understanding and he makes you happy. hugs Sarah

[Almostperfect]

Hi I've had this for 10 years now. I was married but after losing my husband I'm back in the dating game. I was able to have children the natural way with no issues but now that I'm back in the dating game having to disclose is stressful. Plus after not having too many outbreaks now I'm dealing with the leg pain and that tingling feeling when I'm sitting down. I normally only take acyclovir when having an outbreak but it's been month long pain and so I started back on 400mg twice a day. I'm wondering if I should switch to something else for suppression. I don't let this bother me mentally but when I am having prodromes it gets me depressed all over again. Anyone have any suggestions to get rid of the dull aches?

[Confusedanddepressed]

Do any of you guys ever feel kind of shameful or embarrassed with having to tell your partner you have an outbreak and that’s why you can’t have intercourse? I do have a super understanding partner but I always feel this guilt inside about having HSV2 when outbreaks happen. It’s like I forget about having it until an actual outbreak occurs. If so, how do you deal with the inner shame of it so that it doesn’t affect your day to day? 

[mr_hopp]

Hi @Confusedanddepressed,

Well, this video is right up your alley! 
https://www.herpesopportunity.com/post/keeping-your-partner-herpes-free-can-be-super-sexy

What this is all about is shifting your perspective about how you relate to herpes. To be in relationship with your partner with the desire to keep them safe because you care. Then it becomes less that herpes is a brick wall that stands in the way of intimacy and more that it becomes a doorway into vulnerability and deeper trust with your partner.

You can even turn having an outbreak into an intimacy game: "Babe, I'm having an outbreak and I want to keep you safe, but I'd love to still explore and have some fun with you. How would you feel about enjoying each other, but the underwear region is off limits?" Say this  while feeling in touch with your desire and vulnerability. You'll be amazed at how different an interaction this can lead to instead of letting shame take the wheel!

(In fact, I always used to call my outbreaks my "man periods" to make a little joke out of it and get the point across. It was more of a connecting playful thing than a disconnection.)

[livingbeyond]

Hi All! 

I have recently returned to the forums. I had been living a pretty typical life and was comfortable disclosing when needed but I've had a setback after being ghosted after disclosing, so I'm trying to regain my confidence and heal from the rejection. I was glad to have seen a thread that was so focused and to which I could relate. I hope it's able to continue because I'd like to connect with with other black women who have felt like they were on an island with this, despite the facts of how common it is. No one in my circle has acknowledged this but me. I have had GHSV1 for 12 years and contracted it from my husband on our honeymoon night. I stayed in the marriage longer than I should have because I was ashamed and felt I would never find someone to appreciate or love me like I wanted. I still haven't found this person after 3 years but I have been close, and I want to heal from this so I can continue the dating journey without this dark cloud over me. Anyway, hope to connect with some of you!

LivingBeyond

[Flowerteacher55]

@livingbeyond Hi!! ☺️

I hope you are doing a little better today.

Remember that you are clean. You are wanted. You are a blessing worthy of the best of love! ❤️

Thank you for sharing your story. Others can definitely relate, and you sharing definitely helps others feel less alone in their struggles. 

I am a 22 year old white female, however I wanted to say thank you for wanting to continue this thread and outreach to black women, and make this forum more inclusive and break the silence and stigma of HSV in the black community. 

Stay strong! A beautiful, healthy, respectful relationship will come your way 🌄 Sending blessings your way🌻!

Blessings,

Grace

 

[Gypsy86]

Hey @livingbeyond! I got diagnosed with HSV2 this summer and got it from my current boyfriend who didn’t know he had it either. We just started dating but it makes me nervous to think about ever dating someone else because I’d be scared to tell them. I’m AA and live in Texas. It was hard enough finding someone compatible when I didn’t have HSV now I feel like I’ll never find anyone 

[livingbeyond]

@Gypsy86 I can definitely relate. I have had primarily accepting experiences, so I think that's why this one threw me for such a loop. We had really hit it off and he seemed to be pretty non-judgmental in general. He pursued moving to the serious relationship stage, so that's when I disclosed. I was nervous before doing so because I hadn't needed to for quite a while. However, I'm not about being mistreated because of H. Even if someone has a choice about being with me or not (as is the case with anything) I still deserve a respectful response. He said he was fine with it then ghosted. So I've made sure to tell him how I felt about how he handled things and today I've been able to release it. I'm still working on me, but I'm sure I'll be back to dating in no time. You really have to know yourself and know you haven't changed at all, but that can take a blow with these experiences. Rejection is going to happen with or without H, and rejection is a course corrector for sure. Sounds like you don't have to worry about it for now. If you ever do date again, initially you can just take the time to get used to it and learning about people. Hone your skills there and learn about what would qualify someone to earn that type of vulnerability from you. It's not a perfect formula, but it helps. The first person I ever disclosed to rejected me, the second one I ended up in a nine month relationship with and we didn't break up because of H. I hadn't had an issue with anyone else I've told until this guy. 

This was starting to run on lol. I'm glad you reached out. I hope we can remain in contact. I'm in TX too. 

Livingbeyond

[Wonderlust_girl]

Hello I literally just read this entire thread and honestly this made me feel so much better. I’m 18 diagnosed with ghsv1. I got diagnosed when I was 16 my first bf gave it to me along with another Std. Sucked super hard finding out he was cheating on me and having herpes. Imagine losing your v-card and gaining two Std at 16. But now I’m doing better. I see a therapist ever since then which totally helped. I’m in college now and getting my degree in radiology. I’m now going through my second outbreak that got triggered because I recently got diagnosed with a uti. I don’t drink enough water and I had one once as a child so I’m prone to them along with yeast infection 🤦🏿‍♀️. But any information, tips or tricks are greatly appreciated. 

[livingbeyond]

Hi@Wonderlust_girl! I'm glad you found your way onto the site and into this forum.  I wish I had some tips or tricks to offer but the one I know of you're already monitoring (i.e. water intake). Overall, I would say just making sure you're eating a variety of healthy foods and maintaining the right digestive balance in your gut with prebiotic and probiotics and such. I'm not a doctor but this goes a long way to balancing a lot in the body. Hope things continue to go well for you! 

[Flowerteacher55]

@Wonderlust_girl Hello!! 

I am so sorry to hear about your UTI. It will pass! Plenty of water helps. Also, apple cider vinegar helps too. It tastes like poo but a tablespoon before bed helps!

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure so many people can relate. I cannot even imagine how it felt to be so young and have so much happen! You are a warrior and have overcome so much; give yourself credit for that ❤️.

Therapy is such a blessing, especially while in college. Also, studying radiology sounds SO COOL!! 

Stay strong and remember that you are beautiful, pure, and worthy of love, kindness, and respect. Hold your head high always!! You are a badass!! 🌄❤️⭐

If you ever need anything, please reach out. If you ever have questions about navigating college life, feel free to ask! I am finishing up my fifth year in college right now. 

Sending blessings of health and happiness your way!! 🌄

-- Grace

[89star]

Hey. Just checking in with everyone. I have been using condoms with any guy I start seeing. I am so afraid to disclose because I’m just not sure if they can handle it. As I’ve found, if I continue to use condoms ( which I’ve always done 85 percent of the time so still confused as to how I wound up in this situation) and only have sex when I do not have any flare ups + taking valtrex I feel as if they will be fine. I also feel like until I know a man can really love me unconditionally is when I would be able to tell. I’m 10 months in since being diagnosed and my emotions are still all over the place. Some days I feel optimistic and hopeful. Other days not so much. Lord I miss when I didn’t live like this; constantly looking down below with a mirror or loathing to use the restroom. I dread going on dates sometimes and even when stds are talked about it’s just that herpes is so stigmatized it makes me want to cry. I would never want to give this to anyone because of the emotional and physical suffering but also I am scared to tell for fear of judgement. It’s hurts me so much. 💔 
 

Being a black woman is hard enough fighting racism and misogyny at certain points. I’m 28 so I am trying to keep faith that life will go on and I will be able to start a family. I am just so embarrassed by this. I would have rather wrecked my car or broken a leg. Just wanted to vent. Thanks for reading. 

[Flowerteacher55]

@89star Hello!

I am so sorry that you are struggling. Please know that your feelings are valid and normal. 

There are stages of healing that happen differently for everyone. Some people are angry, then sad, then shameful, then apathetic... then finally, there is radical acceptance and unconditional self-love ❤️. Some people skip stages, some people feel all of them and everyone comes differently with emotions. However, find healthy ways to cope. Whether it's meditating, tapping, prayer, or exercise. Set aside time for you to release your anxieties and stress. It's okay to cry or be upset! Just remember that you deserve to heal and be happy, and that HSV does not have power unless we give it power. HSV is fueled by socially constructed stigma, and we have the power to break that stigma, every day by holding our heads high and loving ourselves! Love is stronger than anything life throws at us. 

I am a 22 year old white female, so I can empathize with being in your twenties and being a woman, but I don't know what it is like to be a woman of color with HSV, however others on the forum have mentioned similar struggles of intersectionality of being black and having HSV. 

You are a warrior! You are strong and can get through this. 

Please know you are not alone in your struggles. Things will be okay. We are all here for you! 

Sending prayers of happiness your way 🌄🌻,

Grace

[89star]

Thank you for responding ❤️

[Flowerteacher55]

@89star Hi, again!

I wanted to tell you that disclosure can be so hard. It is like a cloud looming above us, since we know that at some point we have to disclose. But, disclosure is a great thing! It is honesty, and radical acceptance of yourself. You have NO reason to be ashamed of yourself. Disclosure can actually be a tool that we can use to see the true heart of someone-- if they respond kindly, yay! If they respond disrespectfully, then they just showed who they really are, and you don't need a disrespectful and closed-minded person!! 

Disclosing is the ethical choice, as we have a duty to tell others before we are intimate with them. Scripting out a disclosure talk can be super helpful! There's plenty of resource on the site to help with scripting, too! 

I hope this helps. 

Stay strong!! 

 

[livingbeyond]

8 hours ago, 89star said:

Hey. Just checking in with everyone. I have been using condoms with any guy I start seeing. I am so afraid to disclose because I’m just not sure if they can handle it. As I’ve found, if I continue to use condoms ( which I’ve always done 85 percent of the time so still confused as to how I wound up in this situation) and only have sex when I do not have any flare ups + taking valtrex I feel as if they will be fine. I also feel like until I know a man can really love me unconditionally is when I would be able to tell. I’m 10 months in since being diagnosed and my emotions are still all over the place. Some days I feel optimistic and hopeful. Other days not so much. Lord I miss when I didn’t live like this; constantly looking down below with a mirror or loathing to use the restroom. I dread going on dates sometimes and even when stds are talked about it’s just that herpes is so stigmatized it makes me want to cry. I would never want to give this to anyone because of the emotional and physical suffering but also I am scared to tell for fear of judgement. It’s hurts me so much. 💔 
 

Being a black woman is hard enough fighting racism and misogyny at certain points. I’m 28 so I am trying to keep faith that life will go on and I will be able to start a family. I am just so embarrassed by this. I would have rather wrecked my car or broken a leg. Just wanted to vent. Thanks for reading. 

@89star you're right, it can be difficult listening to the others' perspectives on h. If you're concerned a person won't like you once they find out, chances are they aren't worth your energy in the first place. I've had to remind myself of that a few times bc it's not like we walk around with an impenetrable shell on, so I get how it can hurt. Life definitely does go on and you can still enjoy it fully and have those things you want in life. Glad you found this forum so you know you're not alone in your experience. I was diagnosed as a 27 year old black woman and was married at the time. I'm since divorced & now in a relationship but have had many ups and downs over the years. Support helps. H is one more thing you have to carry, but at least you know you have at least some people who can relate and welcome your discussion of your experience. 

[89star]

I just feel so hurt that I allowed this to happen to me in the first place. I take a lot of the blame. Maybe if I had not slept with this person, or that person; being that for women you can also contract with a condom AND women are more than likely to contract just because of our anatomy. I just wish I had known better! I know it is something I deeply regret because I think about it every single day. I am praying for healing of my heart and spirit because they body is only a temporary vessel. 
 

How do you guys feel about the beginning of the journey? I was diagnosed with GHSV2 via blood test and swab in April 2021 after a bad flare up January 2021. Wasn’t sure if I newly contracted it then or in August 2020 after I broke up with my then boyfriend for what I though was a bad case of bacterial vaginosis. For the first 6 out of 10 months it felt as though I had a flare up constantly. I am still fighting the flare ups but I notice that as time goes on they are not as bad as they were. Hopefully this means my body is beginning to shut it back in its cage and it can be at least asymptomatic  within 18 months. I exercise, take vitamins and seamoss smoothies. I am looking into a natural doctor as I do suffer from eczema as well. What works best for you guys? How is your journey so far? Feel free to tap in. Thanks for reading.

[livingbeyond]

@89star I can relate. I felt like it was my fault for not having awareness but that's not fair to myself. I went to the doctor and we were both tested prior. The medical system didn't think h was serious enough to have a full panel. So now I have it. Holding setting against yourself for what you didn't know automatically makes you lose. It's like telling a newborn they should know how to walk. How if they've never been shown and introduced to that? 

As far as my journey, I still have outbreaks 1x every 2 months or so. They are manageable but prodrome is uncomfortable as it typically causes nerve pain. I have vitamins and herbs but I also try to get enough rest. Sleep is a huge trigger for me if I don't get enough. I exercise too. You'll find the keys to help your body through this!

[Montana Skies]

@89star

On 7/13/2020 at 5:09 PM, sarahsfocus said:

 

Girl I was so naive and uneducated when I got diagnosed. I did not think it was a big deal and would have such a large impact on my life. I also really thought we would have a cure by now. 

In terms of disclosing you really don't want to take a persons choice to have sex with someone with an incurable/contagious disease away from them. A potential mate may fill angry, cheated, lied to if you disclose after being intimate with them. I know disclosing puts us into such a vulnerable space but we would all prefer for our givers to have given us a choice.