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Sunny720

Herpes in the Black Community

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Hello H-Fam!!

It's been a hot minute since I posted and was thinking of you all 💖💖

It'll be a year next month since I was first diagnosed HSV2+ and it's been an amazing year!  I haven't had an OB since August or September, dating a wonderful man and finished my first year of grade school with a 3.6 cumulative GPA - woot woot.

I hope for the newly diagnosis, this can bring you a ray of hope and inspiration that life truly does go on post diagnosis. I honestly thought the tag line, "it's not a deal breaker, it's an opportunity" was cheesy AF at first, however, I can honestly say now...I get it. 

I'm sure if you haven't already, one day, you will too 🤗🤗

For the veterans - keep on pushing and showing us younglings how to thrive (yes thrive, screw just surviving).  

Sending you all love and energy!!

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Good evening , I just wanted to say I just recently received a diagnosis of HSV-2 and have been utterly devastated ever since . Coming across this forum has been a major sigh of relief. I aspire to be as brave as you all in the future. Right now I’m just in a really low place of disbelief and shock . 

I was wondering if insurance covers these antiviral prescriptions and/or if you don’t mind answering, how much are these prescriptions monthly ? 

Thank you all for your help. 

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23 minutes ago, Teach28 said:

Good evening , I just wanted to say I just recently received a diagnosis of HSV-2 and have been utterly devastated ever since . Coming across this forum has been a major sigh of relief. I aspire to be as brave as you all in the future. Right now I’m just in a really low place of disbelief and shock . 

I was wondering if insurance covers these antiviral prescriptions and/or if you don’t mind answering, how much are these prescriptions monthly ? 

Thank you all for your help. 

My insurance covers my medications. I only take valtrex during outbreaks. I pay about $12 for a week supply. 

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On 1/30/2019 at 9:45 AM, StacyG said:

Does anyone live in Atlanta? I would love to meet other people who can help be through the stage of acceptance.

I know this is late but I’m in Atlanta! 

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Good afternoon all,

I recently posted this in an individual thread but came across this one and decided to post it here as well in hopes of gaining some clarity and advice on the situation:

First I’d like to echo the sentiment of what many other people have had to say about this website. It’s literally a God send. Reading everyone’s experiences has helped me a lot but I don’t think I’ve come across a topic that speaks directly to my situation so here goes something.

I’m a black male in my early thirties. Me and my current girlfriend have been together for a little over a year now. We met in grad school and started dating shortly thereafter in October of last year. Prior to getting with her, I’d done my share of sleeping around in my twenties but got tired of “playing the game” and with other people’s emotions. I cheated on my exes, and was quite frankly a shitty boyfriend even when I wasn’t. It felt like I would leave a trail of broken hearts anywhere I’d go. I don’t know if it is my girlfriend, or growth/ maturity as a person but I didn’t want that for her. I didn’t want that for us. So I made a conscious decision to make a change. So I did. And it’s been great...until early January of this year.

In January, I noticed what appeared to be a small bump that grew to be a small cut on the shaft of my penis near the head. Initially, I didn’t pay it much attention because it wasn’t causing me any discomfort and just looked bad. After a week or too, the cut healed and I went about my business as usual. Around the end of March/beginning of April of this year, I noticed the same area of my penis began getting irritated again. This time was different though: it was taking more time for the area to heal and was also accompanied by another “bump” near the other one. I began to worry. Around this same time, my girlfriend complained of a yeast infection that she went and got checked out. Knowing that it was rare, but possible for men to get yeast infections too, I decided to go to the doctor. I also attributed it to rough sex. The doc did a physical examination and said four words I’ll never forget: “it looks like herpes.” My heart dropped. I was shocked, confused, and sad. How did this happen? When did this happen? Why now, of all times and when I’m finally “doing things right” does this happen? I’d been regularly tested in the past and always received a clean bill of health. The doctor did the swab test and sent them to the lab for analysis. 

I had to figure out how I was going to tell the woman I love, of my dreams, I have herpes. I still held out hope that I didn’t. I anxiously awaited the results of that test. It felt like the longest two days ever. However, over the course of those two horrible days, I somehow reconciled within myself that I didn’t want to know. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my girlfriend of my potential diagnosis. I irrationally assured myself that by not knowing if I had hsv was for the best and would allow me to stay with the love of my life. So I made the selfish decision of willful ignorance.

Prior to leaving the doctor’s office, I was prescribed 10 day antivirals and a topical ointment. I used both (the ointment sparingly) and haven’t had any major issues since April. I lied and told my girlfriend I went to the doctor and was told I had a yeast infection too so we didn’t have sex for about a week or so. Other than that, we continued to have sex on a regular basis.

About two weeks ago, my girlfriend complained of not wanting to be intimate (highly unusual for her). I asked if everything was ok and she lost it. She told me she had herpes. Everything came full circle. I had those same feelings of shock, confusion and sadness all over again. I asked a lot of questions. She told me she got it in undergrad and has been living with it for several years now. She’s only had one outbreak (this being the second) since we’ve been together and I wasn’t aware of the first one because she went and visited her family for the holidays. She’s only disclosed to two other partners besides me: the guy she was dealing with and an old ex. Other than that she said she didn’t feel the need to disclose to other sexual partners or curtail her sexual exploits because she’d be sure not to be sexually active when she was experiencing an outbreak. To her knowledge, she’s never given hsv to anyone.

 I told her I’m “pretty sure” she gave it to me and understood the fine line between wanting to protect your sexual autonomy and disclosing. I also told her I wanna work through this.

Here’s where several conflicts arise. I know EXACTLY how she feels in terms of not wanting to disclose. I literally did the same thing and (at the time) put her health at risk for selfish reasons. I also don’t know if I’m more willing to work through this because I feel genuinely stuck or I truly feel like she’s the one for me. If we’re not supposed to be together, I don’t know how/what my dating life would look like. I think I took more of an issue with her causal dating style after her diagnosis than the actual diagnosis itself. I don’t think I’d be able to do that and it honestly made me view her in a different light. I’ve been asking myself is this my penance for my past transgressions? Do I tell her what really happened at my doctor’s appointment? Does it even matter at this point? I also feel like a hypocrite even being upset in the slightest about all of this, but I feel like I should be more mad at her...but I’m not. I still love her. I guess I’m just, conflicted. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  

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@Moving4ward first off, welcome to the thread.  I hope you can find the support you need to work through your initial diagnosis.  

love and anger are not mutually exclusive.  Couples get angry at their partners all the time and still love them.  Personally, I would tell the truth about the doctor's office.  If you really feel that this is love of your life, go to counseling and work through the dishonesty and why you each felt the need to put the other person knowingly at risk.   From what you said, those sound like to the two main things you're concerned about.   You were both irresponsible and dishonest to each other about your status and that's a difficult road to come from regardless, of what truth was hidden, on your own.  You could of easily been carrying the virus for years and never had outbreaks.  She may not have been the source. 

It's feels sketchy you're feelings would flip so quickly about someone you say is the love of your life.  If she such , none of her past, or yours, would matter.   We've all done shit in our past - that's what the past is for.  Maybe your own guilt ?  Maybe unconscious biases regarding the stigma creeping in?  

I would also take the opportunity to have real, honest, open, dialogue with each other.  This is an opportunity to come together...or be pulled apart...it's all about how you address it.  Be honest. Be open. Be vulnerable.  

Best of luck.

 

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@SeraLyn thank you for your response. I appreciate you taking the time to hear me out. I’d agree that the dishonesty is probably my biggest concern. However, again, I feel hypocritical even bringing that up given the circumstances. I know it’s a conversation we’ll have to have if we want this to work in addition to seeing the help and advice of a professional. I’ve also considered the virus may have been dormant and she may not be the source as well... I’m not sure I would characterize my feelings as flipping per se, but they’re definitely mixed when it comes to her past. I understand everyone has a past and I love her regardless of hers, unconditionally. I think my mixed feelings are better defined as more empathetic towards past partners of hers who had no idea of what they were being exposed to and her almost flippant attitude about it...idk maybe it was her delivery but it just left a bad taste in my mouth. But again, it’s easy to play the “well if it were me I would ___” game. It’s a completely different story when you’re actually confronted with a real-world situation with real stakes so I get it, I just don’t necessarily agree with it. 

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@Moving4ward I think @SeraLyn made some very valid points, so I don't want to repeat. In regards to judging someone's past behavior, I've had the virus for 7 months now and when I first contracted it I had all these ideas about what could and couldn't happen, what people should and should not do, but then you begin to actually live with it, meet others who live with it, etc. and ideas change. Just because your partner had other sexual partners before, however casual, does not mean they were putting these individuals at risk. I do believe that to not disclose before sex without a barrier method is wrong (but that doesn't mean I'm for not disclosing if you do use a barrier method. I'm saying non-disclosure exists, sex is risky, and social stigma is like the number 1 reason people never say anything--the way we treat sex/sexual health in western culture needs to change--but I'll get off my soap box now).

I think right now, because it is so new and you are dealing with a lot of emotions, it's very easy to look at this person/their actions differently--I'm willing to go far enough that this could even be challenging whatever latent ideas you have regarding women's sexuality in terms of them being your "partner" or "love of your life," please don't take that as any sort of jab, I just know how men can get in regards to women and their sexuality, so it may be worth taking sometime with yourself, or a professional, to work through your own individual thoughts/feelings. The main thing I think worth investigating is why you were unwilling to know the results, even if the doctor said it looked like herpes, what if it was worse (because, truly, after living with this for the while it's like on the lowest of worst things you could have, from a medical standpoint, I will not deny that it can't be frustrating when you're going through an OB depending on symptoms.) 

And because the virus is so common, because you don't know where it came from, because you both were complicit with withholding information from one another, I do think that a conversation is worth having--if you want to stay together. I think there is a lot the two of you can learn from one another. I know a lot of people who think that as long as you don't have sex during an OB you're protecting your partner, we don't know what her education is around the virus, what her views are regarding it--I mean no one talks about it, health professionals just tell you to wear a condom, etc. So there's a lot of factors that may have shaped her ideas around it and how to live with it/protect herself from spreading it. 

I contracted it while in a relationship and my partner was not aware that they had it (it's very easy to mistake it for something else depending on your symptoms and testing for it is difficult at least where I live because they won't test you unless there's a lesion to swab). We are no longer together, but it isn't because of that. We were very supportive of one another, we went and got tested for everything you could get tested for, and the experience really brought us closer--we still have a lot of love for each other (I wish we never broke up tbh, but that's irrelevant). I'm saying all of that to say, it's not a life-threatening disease, you two will continue to live healthy lives with the virus and I think once you take time to process your emotions you will definitely understand that stigma plays a big role in disclosure (look at how you both responded to your statuses). If this is someone you want to be with, I agree, again, with @SeraLyn open, honest, judgement free, dialogue is worth having. 

I wish you both all of the best. 

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Thanks @PhoenixRising_009. I agree that opinions change over time as you gather facts and become more knowledgeable about things, particularly something as stigmatizing as hsv and ESPECIALLY in the black community. And you're right. I think a part of the challenges do come from my male worldview (a bias I'm actively working on checking by unlearning bad habits and behaviors). I keep asking myself if I would feel the same way if roles were reversed and that's when the "what if" game starts up in my head...I think I didn't want to know out of pure selfishness and fear. Prior to any of this, I had resolved in my mind that this is the woman I want to spend my life with and I wasn't sure if that sentiment would be returned if my results came back positive. I didn't bet on myself. I didn't bet on us...at that point in time, herpes was the worst possible outcome, "the one you can't get rid of." And again, even in the infancy of my walk and life living with hsv, I now know better, but hindsight, right?

I realize now that the conversation is not only definitely worth having, but pretty much mandated at this point. I didn't consider how much she does (or doesn't) know about the virus could've factored in to how she lives with the virus. It's my hope that we can both grow and become more knowledgeable about it and ultimately be better because of it. Although you aren't currently with your partner, hearing how you all supported one another and grew closer gives me hope. Thank you.

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On 7/8/2019 at 12:54 PM, Moving4ward said:

Good afternoon all,

I recently posted this in an individual thread but came across this one and decided to post it here as well in hopes of gaining some clarity and advice on the situation:

First I’d like to echo the sentiment of what many other people have had to say about this website. It’s literally a God send. Reading everyone’s experiences has helped me a lot but I don’t think I’ve come across a topic that speaks directly to my situation so here goes something.

I’m a black male in my early thirties. Me and my current girlfriend have been together for a little over a year now. We met in grad school and started dating shortly thereafter in October of last year. Prior to getting with her, I’d done my share of sleeping around in my twenties but got tired of “playing the game” and with other people’s emotions. I cheated on my exes, and was quite frankly a shitty boyfriend even when I wasn’t. It felt like I would leave a trail of broken hearts anywhere I’d go. I don’t know if it is my girlfriend, or growth/ maturity as a person but I didn’t want that for her. I didn’t want that for us. So I made a conscious decision to make a change. So I did. And it’s been great...until early January of this year.

In January, I noticed what appeared to be a small bump that grew to be a small cut on the shaft of my penis near the head. Initially, I didn’t pay it much attention because it wasn’t causing me any discomfort and just looked bad. After a week or too, the cut healed and I went about my business as usual. Around the end of March/beginning of April of this year, I noticed the same area of my penis began getting irritated again. This time was different though: it was taking more time for the area to heal and was also accompanied by another “bump” near the other one. I began to worry. Around this same time, my girlfriend complained of a yeast infection that she went and got checked out. Knowing that it was rare, but possible for men to get yeast infections too, I decided to go to the doctor. I also attributed it to rough sex. The doc did a physical examination and said four words I’ll never forget: “it looks like herpes.” My heart dropped. I was shocked, confused, and sad. How did this happen? When did this happen? Why now, of all times and when I’m finally “doing things right” does this happen? I’d been regularly tested in the past and always received a clean bill of health. The doctor did the swab test and sent them to the lab for analysis. 

I had to figure out how I was going to tell the woman I love, of my dreams, I have herpes. I still held out hope that I didn’t. I anxiously awaited the results of that test. It felt like the longest two days ever. However, over the course of those two horrible days, I somehow reconciled within myself that I didn’t want to know. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my girlfriend of my potential diagnosis. I irrationally assured myself that by not knowing if I had hsv was for the best and would allow me to stay with the love of my life. So I made the selfish decision of willful ignorance.

Prior to leaving the doctor’s office, I was prescribed 10 day antivirals and a topical ointment. I used both (the ointment sparingly) and haven’t had any major issues since April. I lied and told my girlfriend I went to the doctor and was told I had a yeast infection too so we didn’t have sex for about a week or so. Other than that, we continued to have sex on a regular basis.

About two weeks ago, my girlfriend complained of not wanting to be intimate (highly unusual for her). I asked if everything was ok and she lost it. She told me she had herpes. Everything came full circle. I had those same feelings of shock, confusion and sadness all over again. I asked a lot of questions. She told me she got it in undergrad and has been living with it for several years now. She’s only had one outbreak (this being the second) since we’ve been together and I wasn’t aware of the first one because she went and visited her family for the holidays. She’s only disclosed to two other partners besides me: the guy she was dealing with and an old ex. Other than that she said she didn’t feel the need to disclose to other sexual partners or curtail her sexual exploits because she’d be sure not to be sexually active when she was experiencing an outbreak. To her knowledge, she’s never given hsv to anyone.

 I told her I’m “pretty sure” she gave it to me and understood the fine line between wanting to protect your sexual autonomy and disclosing. I also told her I wanna work through this.

Here’s where several conflicts arise. I know EXACTLY how she feels in terms of not wanting to disclose. I literally did the same thing and (at the time) put her health at risk for selfish reasons. I also don’t know if I’m more willing to work through this because I feel genuinely stuck or I truly feel like she’s the one for me. If we’re not supposed to be together, I don’t know how/what my dating life would look like. I think I took more of an issue with her causal dating style after her diagnosis than the actual diagnosis itself. I don’t think I’d be able to do that and it honestly made me view her in a different light. I’ve been asking myself is this my penance for my past transgressions? Do I tell her what really happened at my doctor’s appointment? Does it even matter at this point? I also feel like a hypocrite even being upset in the slightest about all of this, but I feel like I should be more mad at her...but I’m not. I still love her. I guess I’m just, conflicted. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  

Did they tell you if it was recent or dormant? I think the fact she has it & confessed, would be much easier for you to confess.  It removes the shame & if your tests show it is a recent infection, then by telling her she’ll know that she did possibly infect others. They probably was too loose or ignorant to realize it was from her. I do understand why you would be upset since she didn’t disclose to you, but since you all are in a seemingly serious relationship, go through the motions then be like whatever. Don’t let it become an unnecessary stress between you two. I was diagnosed Spring 2018 from a 50 yr old man, literally 3 weeks after sex w/ him. I didn’t find out from him until 5-6 months later that the whole time he was having secret outbreaks. I had to pry the truth out of him but he refused to get tested & just blamed me & still until this day I blame him. 

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On 4/15/2019 at 6:29 PM, Lstgryl said:

I need help! I don’t know if I’m having an outbreak. Around Apr 1st, I started to feel a lot of tingling in my vagina. So I called my dr and requested a refill of valtrex and she called in a 7 day supply. I took about the medicine for about 5 days and no further symptoms arrived. I got a Brazilian was on Saturday. It was my first since December. I was diagnosed in January. So after the wax, I felt some irritation. I had sex that night. (He knows of my status).  It’s monday and I have two big large bumps and a small area of irritation. I don’t know if it’s an outbreak or inflammation from the wax. I feel horrible. I could’ve spread this to another person 😩. Each of my outbreaks has been different so I don’t know what’s going on. Pleas advise. 

Yeah, my first diagnosis triggered an outbreak and i had sex also against the rules lol and was diagnosed 5 days later. I havent had a Brazilian since because id rather be hairy than hurting. I also believed it was the Brazilian because she did hurt me in the same area i get the infections (perineum). 

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Hi! I am a 34 year old AA mother of two girls with the same father.  I was recently diagnosed with HSV 1&2. I am in total disbelief I went to the doctors because my period  came on while I’m actively on the pill and have been for a year after having my mirena taken out. But I told my doc about a sore in my butt and she said “oh my it looks like herpres” I could not stop sobbing. This is ALL my fault.  My girls father cheated on me while I was pregnant with my first daughter and I was dumb enough to stick around and have a second kid with him.  But I love my girls.  I found out he cheated again and got another woman pregnant.  He went off to jail and I found out while he was locked up.  He got out and had another baby 4 months after he got home with the same girl who already had like 4 kids with other men.  and I didn’t find out until a month before the baby was born.  Stupid in love I still stuck around.  All of my annual exams came up clean of the standard testing. But because I was concerned about my period on the pill I went to the doctors.  We been together almost 9 years and I have been ready to throw in the towel but then this happened.  I was last with him at the end of June.  I called as soon as I got myself together and asked who he had been with since we tried starting over.  He said no one. I got my results back yesterday and haven’t told him. I don’t know if I should tell him out of anger or revenge and let him suffer.  What if he doesn’t have it how did I get it? I have not been with anyone else but him.  I really don’t owe him anything but apart of me feels like I gotta day something. I’m not worried about dating or a future love life right now I’m just trying not to fall into a depression especially having two young kids to care for.  I’m just all over the place.  I feel like there’s a weight on my chest that I just can’t shake this feeling that I’m not longer a young healthy individual.  I’m scared as hell and I haven’t answered any phone calls or text because of this fear  and no one even knows. I’m just sad 

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@Realityhurts just try to stay focused on your and your children the important things in life. Depression will eat you alive trust me I know. I battle with it almost everyday still and it’s been 2 years. My ex gave it to me I found out after we broke up. He knew he had it he just didn’t disclose it to me. I had a irritating spot in my butt too but my doctor didn’t think it was herpes but she just wanted to swabbed it to just to make sure. It sucks what your ex did to you. And I know huge hurt. It’s not a good feeling at all. It’s hard  but it’s gets better. I use to say why me all the time , why not me? I blamed myself forever and I still do sometimes. I hated my self for so long I’m starting to love myself again l, I’m working on me and it’s a good feeling. 💕💕PM if you need someone to talk too. 

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Hi everyone! Like so many others have said I’m really happy that I stumbled across this thread. I’m a 36yr old woman, 2 teenage kids. I’m currently separated from my husband, for other reasons but we’ve been married 7 years.

Starting from the beginning tho.  About 8 months (give or take) before we met. I noticed a small cluster of blisters on the inside of my thigh. I hadn’t been with anyone for atleast 6 months before that but I went to the Dr to figure out what was going on and almost immediately she says “ it looks like herpes” & took swabs to confirm. I lost myself that day! Like most of everyone else I thought my life was over, no one would want me.  My emotions were a roller coaster. I told two people I was close too and I’ll admit the conversations went pretty well. In that first week I slowly started to accept this new part of my life and started to think things would actually be ok.  However. The Dr calls me and actually says that the test came back NEGATIVE for herpes. Like Again with the freaking roller coaster! I was ecstatic tho. She didn’t know what it was and it was basically healed over at that point so  Naturally I just went on about my life.  I met my now husband. Fell in love, but I never felt the need to say anything to him cause I mean why, she said negative! I never went back for a follow up to figure out what exactly it was, so never took any specific blood tests. After we decided to be “serious” I did go for my physical, had tests run for STDs. All negative! {{Of course now after reading up I find out most Drs do not run the blood test for Herpes in the standard STD panel or whatever {face palm}} Being honest tho i did have that nagging feeling in the back of my head every now and than. 

Fast forward 4 years into our marriage and BOOM! I notice a small cluster of like 3 bumps on my butt one day. They werent blisters but alil painful. But I guess being naive I didn’t think much about it. Than like a year later after a miscarriage, I noticed a small bump high up on my inner thigh. This time just one, again not blistered but painful and my heart dropped. I knew immediately what it was. That world ending feeling came back like a Mac truck.  

But how do I tell my husband now. I know it’s not right and I’ve basically acknowledged that I’m a horrible person but I’ve struggled for the past 2 years, he hasn’t had any outbreaks or symptoms. I do feel some relief about that but still my heart and soul is in so much pain right now. I’m really struggling. I know I’m a crappy person. I feel like scum for waiting this long to say something. It’s definitely a constant battle. Like past posts have said the stigma surrounding Herpes makes everything so much harder. 

But I disclosed here first. Hoping for some encouraging words cause I plan on telling him this week. We’ve been separated since June due to other reasons but honestly deep down the guilt has just consumed me. 

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17 hours ago, Jesssy said:

Hi everyone! Like so many others have said I’m really happy that I stumbled across this thread. I’m a 36yr old woman, 2 teenage kids. I’m currently separated from my husband, for other reasons but we’ve been married 7 years.

Starting from the beginning tho.  About 8 months (give or take) before we met. I noticed a small cluster of blisters on the inside of my thigh. I hadn’t been with anyone for atleast 6 months before that but I went to the Dr to figure out what was going on and almost immediately she says “ it looks like herpes” & took swabs to confirm. I lost myself that day! Like most of everyone else I thought my life was over, no one would want me.  My emotions were a roller coaster. I told two people I was close too and I’ll admit the conversations went pretty well. In that first week I slowly started to accept this new part of my life and started to think things would actually be ok.  However. The Dr calls me and actually says that the test came back NEGATIVE for herpes. Like Again with the freaking roller coaster! I was ecstatic tho. She didn’t know what it was and it was basically healed over at that point so  Naturally I just went on about my life.  I met my now husband. Fell in love, but I never felt the need to say anything to him cause I mean why, she said negative! I never went back for a follow up to figure out what exactly it was, so never took any specific blood tests. After we decided to be “serious” I did go for my physical, had tests run for STDs. All negative! {{Of course now after reading up I find out most Drs do not run the blood test for Herpes in the standard STD panel or whatever {face palm}} Being honest tho i did have that nagging feeling in the back of my head every now and than. 

Fast forward 4 years into our marriage and BOOM! I notice a small cluster of like 3 bumps on my butt one day. They werent blisters but alil painful. But I guess being naive I didn’t think much about it. Than like a year later after a miscarriage, I noticed a small bump high up on my inner thigh. This time just one, again not blistered but painful and my heart dropped. I knew immediately what it was. That world ending feeling came back like a Mac truck.  

But how do I tell my husband now. I know it’s not right and I’ve basically acknowledged that I’m a horrible person but I’ve struggled for the past 2 years, he hasn’t had any outbreaks or symptoms. I do feel some relief about that but still my heart and soul is in so much pain right now. I’m really struggling. I know I’m a crappy person. I feel like scum for waiting this long to say something. It’s definitely a constant battle. Like past posts have said the stigma surrounding Herpes makes everything so much harder. 

But I disclosed here first. Hoping for some encouraging words cause I plan on telling him this week. We’ve been separated since June due to other reasons but honestly deep down the guilt has just consumed me. 

Just break it to him like you did it to us...that years ago the DR tested the bumps and it came back negative but now you are leaning more towards it being herpes. However, to avoid causing unnecessary stress in his life, go to your gyn and get the blood test and sores swabbed this time to confirm.

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19 hours ago, _a_rayofsunshine_ said:

Just break it to him like you did it to us...that years ago the DR tested the bumps and it came back negative but now you are leaning more towards it being herpes. However, to avoid causing unnecessary stress in his life, go to your gyn and get the blood test and sores swabbed this time to confirm.

Thanks @_a_rayofsunshine_  I left that part out I guess. I did go get rechecked and it was confirmed. The Dr said sometimes false negatives can happen. I really did find it weird that I went so many years without any outbreaks but he did try to reassure me that it’s definitely possible. I could of also had symptoms and just attributed them to something else. At the time I was a lot smaller in weight, more overall healthy. In the past few years I’ve gained like 40lbs, definitely not active. I’m at the heaviest Ive ever been in my life. Ive had infertility issues which has taken a toll on me mentally and physically so obviously my  stress level has been extremely high, all reasons he said would cause for the outbreaks to reoccur. I just keep thinking about the life we’ve built. We have 3 kids between us but none together, which definitely put a strain on our relationship, and part of the main reason we lost our way in our marriage.  I know I shouldn’t but I feel like we’ve wasted so much of our lives due to a misdiagnosis. I’m slowly coming to terms with this but breaking it to him still scares me because I just keep thinking about all of the negative outcomes. 

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@_a_rayofsunshine_ welcome, I hope you are finding the thread resourceful--I definitely did when I joined. I am sorry you had to go through such frustration; as hard as it is to get this virus diagnosed, you'd think there wouldn't be so much stigma around what you could go yearsss without ever knowing you have. 

I hate to sound as cliche as all the sites/articles/advice about disclosing, but the response truly is a reflection of that individuals character as well as their feelings toward you. It's not as if you withheld your diagnosis all this time, you did the healthiest and most practical thing you could: trust a health professional then get a second opinion if uncertain. If your partner can't respect or commend that then they're the unfortunate one.

If you both were able to work through blending your family, then I truly want to believe you all can make it through this. I really wish there was more information on the virus and better testing/testing recommendation because with it's like 0 negative health impact it should not have people feeling like it will end their relationship (trust me though, I had the same fears). 

Wishing you and your family the best. 

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17 hours ago, PhoenixRising_009 said:

@_a_rayofsunshine_ welcome, I hope you are finding the thread resourceful--I definitely did when I joined. I am sorry you had to go through such frustration; as hard as it is to get this virus diagnosed, you'd think there wouldn't be so much stigma around what you could go yearsss without ever knowing you have. 

I hate to sound as cliche as all the sites/articles/advice about disclosing, but the response truly is a reflection of that individuals character as well as their feelings toward you. It's not as if you withheld your diagnosis all this time, you did the healthiest and most practical thing you could: trust a health professional then get a second opinion if uncertain. If your partner can't respect or commend that then they're the unfortunate one.

If you both were able to work through blending your family, then I truly want to believe you all can make it through this. I really wish there was more information on the virus and better testing/testing recommendation because with it's like 0 negative health impact it should not have people feeling like it will end their relationship (trust me though, I had the same fears). 

Wishing you and your family the best. 

@PhoenixRising_009 Thank you for your kind words and encouragement! Definitely helps! 

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On 1/30/2019 at 9:45 AM, StacyG said:

Does anyone live in Atlanta? I would love to meet other people who can help be through the stage of acceptance.

I know this is old but Im in atlanta!

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Wow so this group has made me feel so much better. So I guess I’ll tell my story. I am a 20 year old woman and I was diagnosed with hsv2 almost 6 months ago. I got it from my ex boyfriend. We were together for about 6 months and then we broke up for 3. In those three months he slept with a girl at his school, and lied to me when I asked him if he did (funny story about that, when we were broken up, I guess to piss me off being the abusive manipulating monster he is, he randomly sent me a video of him just laying on this girls bare ass... and tried to convince me there was no sex involved... lol!) I’ll be honest, i did meet a great guy while we broke up and slept with him twice. We used condoms and I didn’t have any symptoms with him, and he was a very health conscious person. I didn’t have any symptoms with the new guy, but I had bad symptoms 3 days after sleeping with my ex again. I know I got It from him. He expressed to me many times before how he never used condoms with anyone and he definitely didn’t use them with me. He just slept with girls and got tested after. (Stupid plan, btw) He wasn’t aware that herpes test weren’t apart of the usual std check up. He thought “one blood test tested them all” which I also debunked but he refused to listen to me, refused to go get tested, and continued to blame and ridicule me like I conjured this up in my own vagina all by myself.

I have an amazing gynecologist who I love and appreciate very much. She gave me some sites to research, and referred me to a counselor recently. She also gave me some kind words and sound advice about why I should continue to know my worth and not stay with this guy who clearly did not care about his own health let alone mine. She really helped me feel like a person again. She gave me the strength to leave that guy.  I think I have gotten passed the feeling like a hoe stage of having herpes. I’m very impatient with my depression so I try to move on quickly. Fast forward 5 months later and I’m happy with myself. I like being single and guys aren’t even attractive to me right now, except for one.

A week ago I met a guy who really wants to take me out. He followed me on Instagram back in July, even dm’d me but at the time I just didn’t entertain It. This week, he dm’d me again and I took another look, decided that I thought he was attractive and responded. This whole week we’ve been getting to know each other day and night and he’s very nice, extremely hilarious and his personality is even more attractive than his face. I get that it’s only been a week, and I don’t know him that well but the parts i do know intrigued me enough to agree to a date. We’re going on a date tonight. Dinner on a blanket and a walk in the park. Which I think would be the cutest first date.

look, I know I’m a bomb ass girlfriend. I know I can make someone very happy. I know people my age aren’t usually ready to settle, and that’s why I’m afraid to disclose. But i also refuse to be the person who doesn’t. I know how bad it sucks to get herpes from someone you trusted. I’m not totally ready to be together forever with anyone either,  but I still want healthy long lasting relationships, which feels totally impossible at my age in my community. I feel like this guy really likes me, the vibe is great. And as great as he thinks I am, I feel like this is going to completely damage his view of me. I know, it’s only been a week, but I’m more so thinking about the future too, if this doesn’t work out. When do I tell him, or any new person in general? Is the first date safe because It avoids heartbreak, or is it tapping out too quickly? I worry that if i wait too long, I’ll hurt him when I have to tell him, but if I tell him, or anyone, on the first date then I am giving him reason to run, I mean there’s nothing keeping him with me If I tell him now, even if he really does like me.

Im on suppressive therapy, I actually just started when i realized I wanted to date again. (I’ve had 3 outbreaks so far that weren’t that bad. I mostly just think taking the pills daily will make disclosing easier) I go to the gym, and I’m conscious about my health, i basically live in all my doctors offices. It’s truly healthier to date me than people not conscious of their health... but i digress. I want to date and get married and have my own children one day, I’m not ready to let go of this dream. But I feel like I do have to let It go because how can I expect someone my age, or at any age really, to take that risk with me? I certainly don’t think I would’ve taken this risk a year ago, ESPECIALLY if I didn’t know the person that well. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone,  but how do i convince people that i am not the plague, they will not die, and I’m still the person they liked when they first started talking to me. This got really long so I’ll stop here lol but thanks for any support! I appreciate It a lot!

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On 8/24/2019 at 11:03 AM, YoungandChanging said:

Wow so this group has made me feel so much better. So I guess I’ll tell my story. I am a 20 year old woman and I was diagnosed with hsv2 almost 6 months ago. I got it from my ex boyfriend. We were together for about 6 months and then we broke up for 3. In those three months he slept with a girl at his school, and lied to me when I asked him if he did (funny story about that, when we were broken up, I guess to piss me off being the abusive manipulating monster he is, he randomly sent me a video of him just laying on this girls bare ass... and tried to convince me there was no sex involved... lol!) I’ll be honest, i did meet a great guy while we broke up and slept with him twice. We used condoms and I didn’t have any symptoms with him, and he was a very health conscious person. I didn’t have any symptoms with the new guy, but I had bad symptoms 3 days after sleeping with my ex again. I know I got It from him. He expressed to me many times before how he never used condoms with anyone and he definitely didn’t use them with me. He just slept with girls and got tested after. (Stupid plan, btw) He wasn’t aware that herpes test weren’t apart of the usual std check up. He thought “one blood test tested them all” which I also debunked but he refused to listen to me, refused to go get tested, and continued to blame and ridicule me like I conjured this up in my own vagina all by myself.

I have an amazing gynecologist who I love and appreciate very much. She gave me some sites to research, and referred me to a counselor recently. She also gave me some kind words and sound advice about why I should continue to know my worth and not stay with this guy who clearly did not care about his own health let alone mine. She really helped me feel like a person again. She gave me the strength to leave that guy.  I think I have gotten passed the feeling like a hoe stage of having herpes. I’m very impatient with my depression so I try to move on quickly. Fast forward 5 months later and I’m happy with myself. I like being single and guys aren’t even attractive to me right now, except for one.

A week ago I met a guy who really wants to take me out. He followed me on Instagram back in July, even dm’d me but at the time I just didn’t entertain It. This week, he dm’d me again and I took another look, decided that I thought he was attractive and responded. This whole week we’ve been getting to know each other day and night and he’s very nice, extremely hilarious and his personality is even more attractive than his face. I get that it’s only been a week, and I don’t know him that well but the parts i do know intrigued me enough to agree to a date. We’re going on a date tonight. Dinner on a blanket and a walk in the park. Which I think would be the cutest first date.

look, I know I’m a bomb ass girlfriend. I know I can make someone very happy. I know people my age aren’t usually ready to settle, and that’s why I’m afraid to disclose. But i also refuse to be the person who doesn’t. I know how bad it sucks to get herpes from someone you trusted. I’m not totally ready to be together forever with anyone either,  but I still want healthy long lasting relationships, which feels totally impossible at my age in my community. I feel like this guy really likes me, the vibe is great. And as great as he thinks I am, I feel like this is going to completely damage his view of me. I know, it’s only been a week, but I’m more so thinking about the future too, if this doesn’t work out. When do I tell him, or any new person in general? Is the first date safe because It avoids heartbreak, or is it tapping out too quickly? I worry that if i wait too long, I’ll hurt him when I have to tell him, but if I tell him, or anyone, on the first date then I am giving him reason to run, I mean there’s nothing keeping him with me If I tell him now, even if he really does like me.

Im on suppressive therapy, I actually just started when i realized I wanted to date again. (I’ve had 3 outbreaks so far that weren’t that bad. I mostly just think taking the pills daily will make disclosing easier) I go to the gym, and I’m conscious about my health, i basically live in all my doctors offices. It’s truly healthier to date me than people not conscious of their health... but i digress. I want to date and get married and have my own children one day, I’m not ready to let go of this dream. But I feel like I do have to let It go because how can I expect someone my age, or at any age really, to take that risk with me? I certainly don’t think I would’ve taken this risk a year ago, ESPECIALLY if I didn’t know the person that well. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone,  but how do i convince people that i am not the plague, they will not die, and I’m still the person they liked when they first started talking to me. This got really long so I’ll stop here lol but thanks for any support! I appreciate It a lot!

I'm trying to find the answer to this question too. I actually started dating about 5 months after being diagnosed. I started dating this guy that I was very physically and intellectually attracted to. We clicked on so many levels and he always expressed a desire to "make me happy" as well as to be physical. I avoided sex for three months simply because I did not know how to tell him.  Dating for me has been cake until the question of disclosure comes up. I talk myself out of it because I want to at least know the relationship has the potential to be serious and that the person will be decent and respectful. 

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I am a new member of this forum,  but I have been reading posts for quite a while.  @SeraLyn and @PhoenixRising_009 posts really helped me alot during dark moments! I was diagnosed with GHSV1 in December 2018. My Giver was my ex-boyfriend. He was 13 years my senior (I'm 25) and when I told him, his response was, "yeah, I used to get cold sores when I was younger, but I've never had a woman tell me they got anything from me." He then avoided accepting any responsibility stating, you could have got this from anybody, you can't say it was me. Even though he told me that he still loved and wanted to be intimate with me, my trust in him had been broken. He never empathized with me and distanced himself from me initially, stating that, he was hurt, because I blamed him for transmitting the virus to me. It was the beginning of the end of our relationship, but I stayed sexually involved with him until June of 2019. In the beginning I felt completely lost. I couldn't connect with who I was at all, and even had some fleeting thoughts that death would  be better than having to ever tell anyone about this. I ultimately reached out to a friend who I knew had GHSV2, and she was a huge support. I told a guy I had previously dated and had remained friends with. He was coming on to me, as he usually does, and I just blurted out, "have you ever had a cold sore...well I have, on my genital area." He asked questions, hugged me, but I felt his energy change. I guess subconsciously I wanted to test if a man could still find me attractive despite this. In that moment I felt no one would accept me except someone who had it, hence the reason for continuing a sexual relationship with my Giver.  Though I look back and realize how unhealthy of a choice it was mentally and emotionally to remain with him, I do recognize that his desire for me helped me to remember how sexy and desirable I still am. Regaining that confidence helped to clear my haze I was to remember everything I truly have to offer. I am an attractive, educated, and independent black woman. I love myself wholeheartedly and I am worthy of love. This diagnosis has served as an unfortunate wake up call to choose and invest in only those who will treat me accordingly. 

With all that said, I still have moments of sadness that come over me in overwhelming waves. It truly is a day by day process. As I am beginning to desire dating and sex more, the reality that I will have to disclose becomes more real, and it just makes me cry sometimes. Like the big ugly cry, like the "WHY ME!" cry. But then I say, "oh well, fuck it," and I wipe those little self-pity tears away.

When it gets tough, and I say to myself, "Yes, Bri, you have GHSV1, but that is not who you are." You only live once and my life is far from done. There is so much more love and life for me out there, and I just have to break through this fear that I am honestly probably just making worse in my own head. 

Any words of kindness and support are welcomed! I also love reading stories about how other's cope with their diagnosis and disclose while dating! 

Sending positive vibes!

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Hello all,

I have been having outbreaks every few months. They haven’t been bad, just slightly uncomfortable. I recently decided to switch to daily doses of valtrex as suppression therapy. I have been taking 500 mg daily for a little over a month. I have not missed a dose. Sadly, today I have what I now recognize as an outbreak. I’m so sad and depressed. I’m literally in bed in tears. I already try to push it from my mind everyday. No one knows besides my mom and my last partner. I just want to die. Clearly my body is not responding well to anything I have tried. How can I ever move on in life or think about a future with anyone? It sucks to be damaged goods. 

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8 hours ago, Lstgryl said:

Hello all,

I have been having outbreaks every few months. They haven’t been bad, just slightly uncomfortable. I recently decided to switch to daily doses of valtrex as suppression therapy. I have been taking 500 mg daily for a little over a month. I have not missed a dose. Sadly, today I have what I now recognize as an outbreak. I’m so sad and depressed. I’m literally in bed in tears. I already try to push it from my mind everyday. No one knows besides my mom and my last partner. I just want to die. Clearly my body is not responding well to anything I have tried. How can I ever move on in life or think about a future with anyone? It sucks to be damaged goods. 

I definitely can relate to whatever frustration or negative feelings you may be experiencing during an outbreak—it just isn’t a pleasant time, no matter what anyone tries to say. And I know thoughts can get overwhelming about your body, your future, etc. But please know, you are not damaged goods! You are as worthy as you were before this happened. 

 

Some things to maybe consider:

how long have you had the virus (apparently over time, usually after the first year, the severity and regularity of outbreaks are supposed to decrease)

have you had any recent changes to your life, diet, stress, etc.?

what are your triggers (menstrual cycle & a lot of peanut butter I have discovered are mine). Maybe take some time to retrace your steps to see what may be triggering you. 

 

All of this is easier said than done, and usually because it seems we have to be in the dark about this. But know that you have a community of support here, nothing about you or your body is less worthy. Suppressive therapy is meant to suppress the regularity of outbreaks, but you can still have outbreaks while taking the medicine, maybe consider speaking to your doctor. 

I hope this was encouraging or helpful in some way. 

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