Herpes in the Black Community

[PhoenixRising_009]

On 8/26/2019 at 9:28 PM, justbri. said:

I am a new member of this forum,  but I have been reading posts for quite a while.  @SeraLyn and @PhoenixRising_009 posts really helped me alot during dark moments! I was diagnosed with GHSV1 in December 2018. My Giver was my ex-boyfriend. He was 13 years my senior (I'm 25) and when I told him, his response was, "yeah, I used to get cold sores when I was younger, but I've never had a woman tell me they got anything from me." He then avoided accepting any responsibility stating, you could have got this from anybody, you can't say it was me. Even though he told me that he still loved and wanted to be intimate with me, my trust in him had been broken. He never empathized with me and distanced himself from me initially, stating that, he was hurt, because I blamed him for transmitting the virus to me. It was the beginning of the end of our relationship, but I stayed sexually involved with him until June of 2019. In the beginning I felt completely lost. I couldn't connect with who I was at all, and even had some fleeting thoughts that death would  be better than having to ever tell anyone about this. I ultimately reached out to a friend who I knew had GHSV2, and she was a huge support. I told a guy I had previously dated and had remained friends with. He was coming on to me, as he usually does, and I just blurted out, "have you ever had a cold sore...well I have, on my genital area." He asked questions, hugged me, but I felt his energy change. I guess subconsciously I wanted to test if a man could still find me attractive despite this. In that moment I felt no one would accept me except someone who had it, hence the reason for continuing a sexual relationship with my Giver.  Though I look back and realize how unhealthy of a choice it was mentally and emotionally to remain with him, I do recognize that his desire for me helped me to remember how sexy and desirable I still am. Regaining that confidence helped to clear my haze I was to remember everything I truly have to offer. I am an attractive, educated, and independent black woman. I love myself wholeheartedly and I am worthy of love. This diagnosis has served as an unfortunate wake up call to choose and invest in only those who will treat me accordingly. 

With all that said, I still have moments of sadness that come over me in overwhelming waves. It truly is a day by day process. As I am beginning to desire dating and sex more, the reality that I will have to disclose becomes more real, and it just makes me cry sometimes. Like the big ugly cry, like the "WHY ME!" cry. But then I say, "oh well, fuck it," and I wipe those little self-pity tears away.

When it gets tough, and I say to myself, "Yes, Bri, you have GHSV1, but that is not who you are." You only live once and my life is far from done. There is so much more love and life for me out there, and I just have to break through this fear that I am honestly probably just making worse in my own head. 

Any words of kindness and support are welcomed! I also love reading stories about how other's cope with their diagnosis and disclose while dating! 

Sending positive vibes!

Thank you, I’m glad you were able to find encouragement here! 

I am glad you were able to break away from a situation that was not the healthiest for you, that is definitely key! 

I haven’t had an experience of disclosing to a new partner yet, so I’m unable to produce advice there. But in terms of dealing with my diagnosis, it usually doesn’t bother me until there’s a ob, which is becoming less and less frequent the longer I have it (I suppose). 

This forum has definitely shown me that I am not alone and more people have this than we think (or who even know themselves), so whenever I’m experiencing a down time I try to remind myself of the facts, calm down, do my treatment and move on—kind of like a period, just get through it cause what else can I do (that’s another “incurable” situation I didn’t ask for). 

Thank you for sharing your story and I wish you positivity as well. 

[PhoenixRising_009]

On 8/24/2019 at 11:03 AM, YoungandChanging said:

Wow so this group has made me feel so much better. So I guess I’ll tell my story. I am a 20 year old woman and I was diagnosed with hsv2 almost 6 months ago. I got it from my ex boyfriend. We were together for about 6 months and then we broke up for 3. In those three months he slept with a girl at his school, and lied to me when I asked him if he did (funny story about that, when we were broken up, I guess to piss me off being the abusive manipulating monster he is, he randomly sent me a video of him just laying on this girls bare ass... and tried to convince me there was no sex involved... lol!) I’ll be honest, i did meet a great guy while we broke up and slept with him twice. We used condoms and I didn’t have any symptoms with him, and he was a very health conscious person. I didn’t have any symptoms with the new guy, but I had bad symptoms 3 days after sleeping with my ex again. I know I got It from him. He expressed to me many times before how he never used condoms with anyone and he definitely didn’t use them with me. He just slept with girls and got tested after. (Stupid plan, btw) He wasn’t aware that herpes test weren’t apart of the usual std check up. He thought “one blood test tested them all” which I also debunked but he refused to listen to me, refused to go get tested, and continued to blame and ridicule me like I conjured this up in my own vagina all by myself.

I have an amazing gynecologist who I love and appreciate very much. She gave me some sites to research, and referred me to a counselor recently. She also gave me some kind words and sound advice about why I should continue to know my worth and not stay with this guy who clearly did not care about his own health let alone mine. She really helped me feel like a person again. She gave me the strength to leave that guy.  I think I have gotten passed the feeling like a hoe stage of having herpes. I’m very impatient with my depression so I try to move on quickly. Fast forward 5 months later and I’m happy with myself. I like being single and guys aren’t even attractive to me right now, except for one.

A week ago I met a guy who really wants to take me out. He followed me on Instagram back in July, even dm’d me but at the time I just didn’t entertain It. This week, he dm’d me again and I took another look, decided that I thought he was attractive and responded. This whole week we’ve been getting to know each other day and night and he’s very nice, extremely hilarious and his personality is even more attractive than his face. I get that it’s only been a week, and I don’t know him that well but the parts i do know intrigued me enough to agree to a date. We’re going on a date tonight. Dinner on a blanket and a walk in the park. Which I think would be the cutest first date.

look, I know I’m a bomb ass girlfriend. I know I can make someone very happy. I know people my age aren’t usually ready to settle, and that’s why I’m afraid to disclose. But i also refuse to be the person who doesn’t. I know how bad it sucks to get herpes from someone you trusted. I’m not totally ready to be together forever with anyone either,  but I still want healthy long lasting relationships, which feels totally impossible at my age in my community. I feel like this guy really likes me, the vibe is great. And as great as he thinks I am, I feel like this is going to completely damage his view of me. I know, it’s only been a week, but I’m more so thinking about the future too, if this doesn’t work out. When do I tell him, or any new person in general? Is the first date safe because It avoids heartbreak, or is it tapping out too quickly? I worry that if i wait too long, I’ll hurt him when I have to tell him, but if I tell him, or anyone, on the first date then I am giving him reason to run, I mean there’s nothing keeping him with me If I tell him now, even if he really does like me.

Im on suppressive therapy, I actually just started when i realized I wanted to date again. (I’ve had 3 outbreaks so far that weren’t that bad. I mostly just think taking the pills daily will make disclosing easier) I go to the gym, and I’m conscious about my health, i basically live in all my doctors offices. It’s truly healthier to date me than people not conscious of their health... but i digress. I want to date and get married and have my own children one day, I’m not ready to let go of this dream. But I feel like I do have to let It go because how can I expect someone my age, or at any age really, to take that risk with me? I certainly don’t think I would’ve taken this risk a year ago, ESPECIALLY if I didn’t know the person that well. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone,  but how do i convince people that i am not the plague, they will not die, and I’m still the person they liked when they first started talking to me. This got really long so I’ll stop here lol but thanks for any support! I appreciate It a lot!

I wish you did not have to experience that, dishonesty and betrayal are the worst. But I’m glad you are taking care of yourself. 

I’m not sure if you’ve made up your mind regarding the potential new partner. I can think of all the inspirational things to say about disclosing, but I have not yet been in that situation. I did tell a partner I was still involved with and they were supportive, but a new person can be daunting. 

If you did decide to disclose, I hope all went well. 

[YoungandChanging]

10 hours ago, PhoenixRising_009 said:

I wish you did not have to experience that, dishonesty and betrayal are the worst. But I’m glad you are taking care of yourself. 

I’m not sure if you’ve made up your mind regarding the potential new partner. I can think of all the inspirational things to say about disclosing, but I have not yet been in that situation. I did tell a partner I was still involved with and they were supportive, but a new person can be daunting. 

If you did decide to disclose, I hope all went well. 

Thanks! So I did actually decide to tell my date on the first date. Luckily It didn’t stop a second one! I think It really helped that I am on suppressive therapy, and he expressed great appreciation, numerous times that I told him early. He felt like It showed that i really cared about both mine and his health, and ultimately decided that he liked me enough to keep trying. He also told me his own journey with STD’s and although he’s never had an incurable one, he still understood how they don’t change you as a person. We’re gonna have our third date tonight, we’re takings really really slow and I am pretty happy to see where everything goes.

i still have a lot of anxiety about the situation. I’ve never had a healthy relationship before this, so I still have those doubts of ever having a healthy loving relationship, ESPECIALLY now. I get why a person would want to wait. You may want to build that bond and give yourself a better chance at keeping the relationship. As long as you’re not having sex without them knowing or lying about anything, you don’t have to say absolutely everything off the bat. But ultimately, for me I think i want people to know exactly what their getting into before they decide how they feel about me. And I may not say it on the first date with every guy if this doesn’t work out, but I think for me it’ll always be best to say It early. Because who knows? A lot of people might understand

[Eleshe]

I'm 23, an African-American female. I got my official diagnosis today and I want to smash my car into a wall. Happy Tuesday!

[justbri.]

1 hour ago, Eleshe said:

I'm 23, an African-American female. I got my official diagnosis today and I want to smash my car into a wall. Happy Tuesday!

It’s tough coming to grips with this. But let these thoughts be fleeting. In time it will become just another nuisance. There is still beauty and love in life even though it’s dark right now. I have always been passionate about taking care of my own mental health, but when I got this diagnosis I had a thought that death would be better than to live with this.  All in all it’s a just a skin condition. Reach out if you need! 

[Eleshe]

49 minutes ago, justbri. said:

It’s tough coming to grips with this. But let these thoughts be fleeting. In time it will become just another nuisance. There is still beauty and love in life even though it’s dark right now. I have always been passionate about taking care of my own mental health, but when I got this diagnosis I had a thought that death would be better than to live with this.  All in all it’s a just a skin condition. Reach out if you need! 

Thank you for reaching out to me, I've been the same way about my mental health but this kind of tipped the scales. I can promise to work really hard to but them back into balance. I WHOLEheartedly appreciate the support I have received so far. I will definitely be reaching out. Thank you thank you thank you

[Lstgryl]

2 hours ago, Eleshe said:

I'm 23, an African-American female. I got my official diagnosis today and I want to smash my car into a wall. Happy Tuesday!

Hi. I feel kinda under qualified to offer any sound advice. I was diagnosed in February. I literally cried for weeks and had very dark thoughts. I can now say that I have more good days then bad. For example, this weekend was rough but I’m doing better now. I just continued to take my meds and my symptoms were gone literally the next day or so. Whenever I get too down, I just say to myself “yes I’m scared, but I still want to live. “. Sorry for any typos. I’m sending this from my phone. 

[Eleshe]

15 minutes ago, Lstgryl said:

Hi. I feel kinda under qualified to offer any sound advice. I was diagnosed in February. I literally cried for weeks and had very dark thoughts. I can now say that I have more good days then bad. For example, this weekend was rough but I’m doing better now. I just continued to take my meds and my symptoms were gone literally the next day or so. Whenever I get too down, I just say to myself “yes I’m scared, but I still want to live. “. Sorry for any typos. I’m sending this from my phone. 

Any advice right now is expert advice, so, thank you for commenting. I learn best by observing and what you say to yourself is what actually has gotten me through today. This diagnosis is not the death of me. I still get to live past today even with this diagnosis.

[justbri.]

23 hours ago, Eleshe said:

Thank you for reaching out to me, I've been the same way about my mental health but this kind of tipped the scales. I can promise to work really hard to but them back into balance. I WHOLEheartedly appreciate the support I have received so far. I will definitely be reaching out. Thank you thank you thank you

I felt the same. I had spent the entire year devoting my energy to building my peace; working out, eating right, drinking water, and minding my business lol. I mean I was glowing everyday, hair was growing, and I was dating and just enjoying life. When I finally met some I liked I took my time with him was very open about talking about safe sex and testing, then a few months in I got diagnosed. That was the hardest hit I had gotten in a while. But getting back to that routine helped me get back into that mindset, and life feels normal again. Just now I’m taking a hiatus from dating, not really bc of the H but bc these dudes out here be tripping and I ain’t got the time!

[Lstgryl]

Hello all,

My brother needs a kidney. He has been on dialysis for several years and unfortunately he has not received a kidney while on the  transplant list. I have decided that I am interested in possibly being a living donor. I’m scared that i wouldn’t be a viable candidate due to my HSV 2 diagnosis. Does anyone know anything about this subject?  Also I have been so anxious about getting Blood work done? What they find something else wrong with me? I was so worked up that I bought an at home HIV test from Walgreens last night. It was negative but I’ve been up all night thinking about what my next blood panel would reveal. I have no one to talk about this to. No one in my family besides my mom knows. She is not easy to talk to at all. 

[sarahsfocus]

I'm sure you can give your brother your kidney and also you can donate blood with hsv2. I'm not a doctor though. I hope this helps Sarah

[Hereforalongtimnotagoodtim]

Yes, you can be a donor. If HSV ruled ppl out from donating blood for example, almost no one would be able to do it! 

[sarahsfocus]

I agree Hereforalongtimenotagoodtim.

[Lstgryl]

Thanks for the support everyone. Does anyone ever experience tingling fingers/hands? 

[sarahsfocus]

just when I lay on it for along time.

[Lstgryl]

I have been experiencing this for awhile. I was curious to see if it was HSV2 related. 

[sarahsfocus]

it could be so many other things. but I would get tested just to be safe and give you peace of mind. I know when I got tested I was terrified. but thankfully I am hsv2 negative. I hope that helps.Sarah

[Ohsoscared]

I've been diagnosed with this since may, I have no support and still feel like my life no longer has a purpose.

[tay1989]

Hi I was diagnosed about a year ago with hsv 1 but never had an outbreak and my doctor didn’t put me on medication. In the black community I only hear “oh i’ve had a cold sore” and not realizing that it is herpes. I’m in college and it’s rare any man ever asks me about herpes or STDs period. It’s so hard to believe people disclose to others because I do not know how I just choose to stay alone at this point which is depressing. It’s also weird how this is something that stays with you “forever” but overall is never talked about in society. 

[sarahsfocus]

tay1989. just my opinion here but I think you will be ok. I wouldn't have sex with anyone because there's worser things than hsv1 

just don't give blow jobs when you have a cold sore. I don't think (I'm sorry if I'm wrong)  that you can give anyone else hsv1  on there genticals unless you have a cold sore. I hope this helps.Sarah

 

[sarahsfocus]

oh so scared.I'm so sorry you have this Virus. but your life has meaning. I'm sure you will get married and have children you have purpose. you will be happy if you let yourself. I'm sure you will meet someone and fall in love.please try to think positive.the Lord made you for a reason. please if you need anyone to talk to I'm here.take care Sarah

[justbri.]

21 hours ago, sarahsfocus said:

tay1989. just my opinion here but I think you will be ok. I wouldn't have sex with anyone because there's worser things than hsv1 

just don't give blow jobs when you have a cold sore. I don't think (I'm sorry if I'm wrong)  that you can give anyone else hsv1  on there genticals unless you have a cold sore. I hope this helps.Sarah

 

@tay1989That’s not entirely true. I got GHSV1 from my ex who hadn’t had an oral cold sore since childhood. We both kissed a lot but the virus took to my genital area instead, 🤷🏾‍♀️. Overall, my experience with GHSV1, although only 10 months in, has not been horrible. My physical health is intact and my emotional health has been restored since accepting the d(x) and moving on. Literally everyone has likely come in contact with HSV1 or the majority of people have it in there bodies already whether they are aware or not. It’s not as big a deal as society has made it to be. Life will go on and still be beautiful. Be honest and open with your partners and satisfying sex is sure to follow. 

[sarahsfocus]

tay1989 i'm sorry you got this.you shed less with hsv1 than you would with hsv2. I do wish you well. your not the only one with this.take care Sarah

[Loveage]

Thank you 

[Loveage]

I needed this ... im learning how to cope if it wasn’t for my son I’d be severely depressed and would’ve isolated myself.,, i’d Feel like people are talking about me or saying I’m dirty .. a lot of young people are uneducated and immature about the topic . Facing the embarrassment Is the worst part next to rejection .