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Preparing to disclose?

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I have been playing the conversation in my mind and crying every time. I want to tell a dear friend of mine, someone I was once in a relationship with and probably the only person I have ever really felt connected too, but I was too afraid to actually give in. Long story short... here we are 4 years later and in my attempt to forget about him I got H. It was so strange that after the diagnosis I could only think about how would I tell him. Aside from the pain and the weird symptoms and trying to convince the ignorant asshole who gave me this that he is in fact contagious and needs to deal with this before infecting somebody else. I gave up, denial is such a terrible thing and it's been probably responsible for many of our stories. I feel sorry for the girls that might be with him in the future and just like me get this unknowingly, but I try to tell myself that I can only be responsible for telling my own partners in the future.  

It's only been over a month of my diagnosis and I am still struggling with the actual physical symptoms. The weird pains and numbness have subsided considerably, but I don't feel like everything down there is back to normal. However, I continue to feel like I need to tell my friend. Maybe I am over thinking here... but I was wondering if anybody else -in a similar scenario- felt the urge to share their diagnosis with someone and whether that was a good or bad idea???? 


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Am really sorry about what you are going through the initial first stages of herpes are normally very painful but it gets better with time,

About disclosing like you have mentioned you are only responsible for informing your future partners, unless you and your friend who happened to be your ex have plans of getting back together I wouldn't let it bother me if I were you, I understand you need a friend to talk to but if you find it so hard to do it now that it actually makes you cry then it's OK to put it on hold considering that the 2 of you are just platonic friends for now, as time passes by and you accept your herpes status you will realise that its only a nuisance and it doesn't hinder you from having great relationships it might slow you a little bit but the pros is that you get to weed out the wrong people in your life and only end up with those who see you as worthy of dating and appreciate you beyond herpes 

The more you disclose the more you will get confident to talk about herpes even to your friends and with time it won't be that burdensome don't get stressed over disclosing it can always wait as long as you are not getting physical or intimate, don't let rejection get into you as well. Rejection is apart of living with herpes, something you will have to embrace

Rem to take care of yourself by reducing your stress levels, herpes thrives when your immune system is down with stress 

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Have you read my H Opp ebook yet? Whether you choose to disclose to your friend or not, it’ll get you on the right foot. (And follow your heart more than your head on that decision — there must be a reason you feel drawn to talking with him specifically about it, whether you feel safe with him and/or you feel you can actually be vulnerable with him in a deeper way).

The book gives you a good start on the mindset and perspective to go into the talk with. It turns it into an opportunity for deeper connection instead of what might be thought of as a shameful dealbreaker. Here’s where to download it for free: 


Note: This is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis.
I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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Like you @JulyP I got this from someone who didn’t know they had it and I’m not sure if they will open up to their partners, etc... going forward. I would hope so, but that’s not the place for us to focus our energies or worries. Take care of YOU and your wellbeing.

After diagnosis, I found I wanted and needed close family/friends to know what I was going through. I have found that their support and acceptance has been enormously impactful in helping me keep to a positive mindset. Plus, disclosing in those spaces of comfort helped me wrestle with some of the stigma that is so pervasive. Speaking the diagnosis out loud is tough, but got easier each time.

I’m only 3 months in from diagnosis— but believe me, your body will return to normal. But there is also a new normal to adjust to that will take time— for outbreaks and what your body is going to be going through now and then. Plus, a new normal in the understanding that H is now a part of your life and your intimate relationships (how you choose to approach that and the mindset you keep will go a long way in how others perceive it too).

I opened up to my mom initially and shortly after to 3 close friends— two of which were former partners and remain close friends. There was no judgement or negativity from those disclosures. There were tears on my part for sure, but there was also a deepening of relationship with the disclosure. And they know me really well— so they also know what I’m capable of handling and were able to remind me of that strength and resilience! I thought about opening up to a few others, but when the time came it just didn’t feel right— so I listened to that gut instinct to hold back. I’d suggest you listen to your gut too. Having a few trusted and close people who know the full scope of what you’re dealing with can be a great support. All that said, only YOU will know who to share this with, how, and when.

I wish you the best of luck. None of this is easy!

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@Tanari, @mr_hopp and @Sunshine75 Thank you all for your kind words. I had the talk last Saturday and it was kind of a mess... puffy eyes, 3 shots of whiskey to get the courage to say something, a lot of tissues and a lot of mix emotions... however, it felt necessary.

I'm still a bit in the dark about what he really thinks since apparently he was very scared I was going to say I had something worse. He told me that he was relief when I finally told him. I am not sure if that's why he was so nice. 

He said I hadn't done anything wrong and that I am still going to have an amazing live. He also said that inf anything H will be like a "litmus test" for future partners. 

Whatever happens with him I guess it was a good exercise for me to tell somebody out of my family and particularly someone I still care about so much. Thank you all for your input... I'm still a long way from the "babe, I have herpes" and it's all cool, but I guess I had to start somewhere. 

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@JulyP way to go! That was a big step! And your friend is right on the litmus test bit. It’s true for all of us with this. I’m just beginning to dip my toes back into the dating pool and it scares me to think about the disclosures and rejections that could come. But, I’m not letting this thing stop my life and my search for a loving partner! That’s giving it way too much power. I’m going into this cautiously and intentionally. And with luck, the right person will be there and this won’t be the big deal it feels like in my mind. I hope it’s the same for you.

Remember that you’ve got a new cheerleader on your side now! When you get skiddish about disclosing to someone you want to be intimate with, lean on this friend and he’ll remind you you’re worth it. And seems like this community on the forum is good for that too!

big step! Happy for you.

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