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Just found out, my world is crumbling.


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I just found out about 2 months ago that I have HSV2. I told my partner, who seemed very supportive of everything saying "we will get through this." I spent so many night just sobbing and telling him he didn't deserve to be with someone that had herpes, and cried even harder when thinking about possibly giving it to him. My OB was on my cervix, and the only reason i found out was because I was having really awful pelvic pain and went to the OBGYN to get an exam. So I have no idea how long I've had it, and my partner had 100% been exposed. Recently we have broken up and he's being a monster about everything. He's threatening to tell everyone I gave him herpes. And regardless of whether or not people should look down on people with herpes, THEY DO. No one will look at me the same. I am absolutely crushed, and accepting of the fact that I'm going to be alone the rest of my life.

 

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I’m sorry you’re going through it. And I’m glad you’re reaching out. Yes, there are people out there who will judge you. And there are also people out there who will see you as a human being with a stigmatized rash. Know that this initial stage can be the hardest. There’s a lot of shock and overwhelm in this brand new space. And since herpes touches us in the most intimate of places, it goes straight to the core. But also know that the work begins at the core, too. Know that ultimately (as cliche as it may sound), the most important thing to discern in your own mind and heart is whether you look down on yourself as someone with herpes. That’s where it all starts.

And the irony here is that most people who have the toughest time with self-judgement around herpes are the people who had judgments around “those people” with STDs before getting one themselves. I was certainly in that camp — I used to judge and look down on all “those dirty people” with herpes. Then I got it. And all that judgment that was outwardly directed immediately boomeranged inward. Recognizing that was part of a huge turning point for me ... since somewhere along the line I made a decision to judge, I also had the power to reverse that judgment and save myself from that self-inflicted poison, too. 

Know that it’s a process. Ultimately, a process of healing and learning a new way of treating ourselves, a new way of seeing ourselves. (Look up the stages of healing.) Be kind to yourself along this new path. And by all means, let yourself be pissed the fuck off! Let yourself be sad and cry and rage! Get it all out! That is all totally understandable and real and healthy. And remember to not dwell in it as much as possible. Let it move through you, but don’t bathe in it.

Ultimately, I promise you that in shifting your perspective there is actually even greater opportunity for love and true connection on the other side of a herpes diagnosis. (It’s why I started this whole H Opp thing so many years ago ... and am now blissfully married ... with a beautiful toddler!) 👶🏻 

Because these kinds of things tend to open us up to our own deep humanity. And in that vulnerability lies even deeper connection. Sometimes opportunity can be found in the strangest places; you just need to be willing to look. 

PS — We gotta change that screen name, sister! Don’t let hate define you like that. You get to define you. 

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You're going to be alone for the rest of your life? Why? About 20% of women have HSV-2; are they all alone? Or do millions of people that have herpes still manage to lead fulfilling lives filled with great sex, intimate relationships and love? What is special about your herpes that it has consigned you to a life of loneliness where it has not for so many others? It's normal (and perfectly okay) to go through a period of being extremely upset, but over time two things are going to happen. 1.) You're going to realize that, physically, herpes amounts to an inconvenience. Perhaps a painful and irritating inconvenience, but an inconvenience nevertheless. That's it. 2.) You're going to find that many people are a lot more understanding  than you imagine and that this diagnosis isn't going to make you a sexual leper. Look at how many people on this website say that years later it's not that big a deal. See anyone still rolling around in grief or coming here years after their diagnosis and saying that, yes, their lives really are over?

It's worth pointing out that herpes CAN seriously mess up your life. It can make it so that you spend the rest of your life alone and wallowing in self-loathing. Like, that's a real potential outcome... if you choose it. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but one day you're going to have to make a choice to start the process of accepting your diagnosis (if you are positive) and coming to terms with it. That means accepting that you are not gross or tainted, and that means realizing that you are worthy of being loved and desired by someone you love and desire. Again, literally millions of people that have herpes have gone on this journey. Ask around here and elsewhere and you'll see! And when you reach the point where you're in a relationship with someone, not only will your current state of despair seem a bit naive to you in retrospect, but you'll realize that your relationships are stronger and your sense of self is stronger because of how you've reckoned with your condition. But starting that journey means going some distance to putting aside a pattern of thinking only of the worst case scenarios and striving toward what you deserve. That doesn't have to happen over night, and it won't, but how you feel now is not going to be how you feel a year from now. Don't get trapped into thinking that you're going to spend the rest of your life in the throes of desperation that come from the initial diagnosis. That isn't real.

  • Like 6
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Hello. I'm so glad you came here. I hope this helps you start to realize, you're not alone, there isn't anything wrong with you, and you can and you will adapt and get through this.  I promise. 

I found out I had HSV-2 over 10 years ago. My world crumbled too. I remember that awful feeling I carried with me daily; felt like a monster no one would want. I was so wrong.

You may meet a few people who don't know how to deal with it, or deal with it poorly. In a way, that's where this condition becomes a positive thing. It filters out the shallow people or those that cannot be bothered to educate themselves. Honey, you do not want those people in your life anyway. Even if a person doesn't feel they can handle the risk associated, a good person who is deserving of your time will never use this as a weapon to hurt you. Never. Such people need to be put in your past. Let them go and move on to healing the emotional side effects of this condition so you can then move on to the healthy relationship you are deserving of and most definitely will find.

After I got through my emotional side effects, I saw with clarity that what I had was nothing. Nothing. It's something soooo many people have. It's a nuisance, an obstacle sometimes, but I get to live a happy and healthy life. I am still incredibly blessed.

This condition actually helped me! I started naturally being drawn to better people. Empaths, open-minded people. 

Everyone I have ever told has shown me support. I haven't been rejected, not once. And, have had loving and lasting relationships. 

I'm now single again and in the process of getting to know someone. He didn't yet know about it because we aren't dating and I hadn't yet had time to decide if that's what I want.  Recently, he actually made a herpes joke. Mmmhmm. That's not good is it? 

This is where my confidence in myself blossomed. I didn't shy away. Instead, I spoke up. I told him that's not funny. Jokes like that breed stigma and I don't think it's funny. Its an extremely common condition that many people have, and suffer depression from. Jokes like that hurt them. Including me, and yes, I have it too.

I put the facts out there and I seriously didn't care if my condition scared him off. A worthy person won't mistreat you. This was an opportunity for me to see his true colours. Fortunately, it became a growing experience for us and he showed appreciation for me speaking up. And hopefully I opened his eyes.

My point is, you are not this condition. This condition may seem big right now but in time and with work, you'll see how insignificant it is compared to everything else. 

You take care of you and hold your head up high. It's going to be okay, and while you're hurting, you come here because there are so many people that understand and will help you get through this. 

 

  • Like 6
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@Blondie1982 Thanks for coming here and sharing this. I think it's really important for people who are newly diagnosed to not only hear success stories but to understand that they are the norm and not the exception. Helping out someone who feels not how you once did is a good thing, because it's easy just to put all that behind you as you move forward with your own life. 

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