Here it goes...

[Lily_]

Hello,

Lily here. I've been putting off writing this for a little while, I guess because I'm scared to come to terms with what is going on, what has happened to me. But this is my life now and I need to. Not really sure where to begin...but here it goes.

I was diagnosed a little over a month ago with GH. Like most, it tore my world apart. I haven't felt that low about myself in years. So low, I thought to myself what was the point of going on with my life. Melodramatic I know, but I had almost no one to go to, nowhere to get answers, but the internet and we all know how that goes. It has been one very long month. Let me explain...

I moved out of state for work, one of my first endeavors in almost six months. I was excited to finally get my life back on track. I had finally separated from a life sucking force of an ex months prior and was in a bit of a rut, I just wanted to make money doing a job that I love and enjoy my summer. I thought I was doing just that. I started work and started to feel like myself again, meaning I felt free again, sexy, like I could take on the world, like a 23 yr old should. Having been through a bit of traumatic experiences with sexual partners in the past, it has taken me a lot to get where I am with myself today. Not sure if I am proud of it or not now that I look back on it. I have become more at peace with my sexuality over the past couple of years. Instead of hiding it, I let it just become apart of me because that is what feels right. That my friends, is where I got myself in trouble. I had a couple flings since moving out state and was seeing the latest one when I was diagnosed. I was sick as a dog, flu symptoms, fevers, couldn't get out of bed, the whole shebang.

When the doctor diagnosed me, it was right away. I couldn't breathe I didn't know who to talk to. I went home and wept/sobbed for hours. I thought this has finally caught up with me, sleeping with people I "trusted" with no protection. I have something I can never get rid of, what do I do?! I slept, cried, slept, cried until I fell well enough to go back to work, being on meds of course. I finally get the courage to tell my current partner of my diagnosis. Both of us under the assumption that it was them. They tell me they were just recently tested it couldn't have been. Days later, we hang out and they show me their tests results, everything was negative. My heart sank, it was me.....I felt filthy. They asked could have it been me, I lied...bad mistake I know. Later that day, I told half the truth. The other half was my secret, I was apart of an open relationship. Most people frown upon that so I didn't want to make the situation worse, but I inevitably did. They went on to call me repeatedly, yell at me, degrade me, threaten me, and my job. Long story short I ended up telling the whole truth, and they told me that I was stuck with them and for me to never leave the state....I felt trapped, I was terrified. I begged them to not do what they intended to do. They emotionally and verbally beat on me because I was their scapegoat. 

I opened up to my mom, my best friend, it was a bit weird, but luckily she was more understanding than I could ever deserve. Fast forward a couple of days, I was just numb. Trying to just take on step at a time. I told my past partners. One was the open relationship I had mentioned, the other a solo individual. The existing relationship took the news as I expected with dignity but I hurt them, potentially putting them at a serious health risk due to a previous cancer diagnosis. Therefor they need to stay STI and STD free at all times, couldn't have been them. I have yet to hear from them to this day. I feel like an absolute piece of garbage. The other took it surprisingly well. Not much anger and very understanding...too understanding. I asked them where their results were and it just so happened they didn't have them. Now I thought to myself, it was probably them, right? With no definite answer I decided to hold my tongue and not make them my scapegoat. I know what it felt like just days before. I didn't want to pay that forward.

A week later, I have another breakout. But this time it resembles shingles on different parts of my body. 😑 Just my luck right? I never got a diagnosis for that because I can't afford any more doctors appointments, luckily the meds I'm taking for GH, treat it as well. So I hide from the world for a little bit longer. Afraid of my own body.

Long story short, here I am. This past month I've put it to the back of my mind. A sense of denial really. Recently it has come back to haunt my thoughts when coworkers bring up sex or I notice a cold sore on one individual and others comment on it. Making me realize how dirty one must feel and how people on the outside perceive them.

I am open to any advice on how to deal with this and how to reclaim your identity. Also on how to interact with people on a more personal level, like dating. I won't be doing any of that soon, but I'm open to suggestions. Andddddd if anyone has any online therapy suggestions as well? Can't seem to find many sites where I can actually talk to someone. 

Thank you to anyone who has made it to the end of this. I really appreciate your time and patience 🙇‍♀️

 

[Question Sleep]

Lily,

I am terribly sorry about the pain and the intolerance towards yourself that this diagnosis has brought onto you. A few thoughts:

 

- your first break-out is your worst. Hence the flu-like symptoms and the severity. I remember my first break-out. A cluster of red bumps on my mound, tingling, SUPER itchy. I remember crying so much when it appeared because I knew what it was. The good news is that as I said, your initial break-out always is the worst.

- It is an ugly shock when you first realize you have it. There is a terrible stigma attached to it. In truth, quite a lot of people have at least one form of herpes. People think 'cold sores' aren't anything, and I notice that when I say 'cold sores', people don't seem bothered, but if I use the other word, 'herpes', then people are alarmed. It's like most people don't realize it's the same thing. 

- Speaking of people not realizing what it is, I think it looks different on some people, but when I get a break-out, it is usually a bump or two close by my lips and honestly all they look like are ugly white headed zits. People who are not schooled in STDs, healthcare, etc usually do not know (at least in my experience) that it is anything other than pimples. 

- I thought that dating and even having casual sex would be over for me after I got herpes. Not true. I remember being in the hospital and a nurse approached me and said 'I don't mind to intrude, but, your chart says you're very depressed and feel hopeless because you have herpes. I have herpes too and I am happily married with children." It is VERY possible for you to live your normal life even with herpes. It is VERY possible for you to find your true love with herpes. It is VERY possible to be with someone you love and to avoid giving it to them altogether. I've disclosed to potential sex partners, I had 3 of them since I got diagnosed, and with medication and precautions (being aware of my symptoms aka predomes) none of them have had any issues. 

- The way that I handle disclosure is I do not tell anyone unless we are going to have some sort of sexual relationships or even just a hook-up. If I am looking to date, I like to get to know people more, and then if it seems like we are headed towards a sexual thing then I say 'I wanted you to be aware that I get cold sores sometimes but I am mostly contagious if I have a sore and I have none right now.' And usually they respond alright and ask more questions. So the best thing you can do is educate yourself as much as possible on the infection so you can be prepared with answers. 

- I have had a couple of neutral responses to me having herpes (I wouldn't say negative because the people weren't cruel about it). Both were young (they were about 21, I am 26) and both just didn't want to have intercourse after finding out. This, of course, is their choice and yes it sucked at first but I also see it as it must not be meant to be for me to be with those people. 

- Hepes is annoying, but, it is not the worst thing in the world. It doesn't lead to cancer like HPV or kill you like HIV. I'd say the hardest parts for me having herpes (other than itchiness when I break out) is the jokes people make about herpes. I used to make jokes like that all the time and not realize how hurtful they were or how COMMON herpes was. It used to hurt my feelings but now I chalk it up to people being ignorant....because most ARE ignorant when it comes to the truth about herpes.

 

I hope I gave you some sort of insight or hope, because I understand that the diagnosis and the stigma can make a person feel awful about themselves but none of us deserve to feel dirty or shamed because we aren't dirty at all. 

[Lily_]

Thank you, I really appreciate your kind words