Another crappy day

[ellemmell (previously effe]

Well, I go through phases where I think maybe I'm okay now. Maybe I can love myself despite having herpes. But time and time again, I end up at the beginning, hating myself and wanting validation from other people that I am still worthy of romantic love. My friend tells me that she still loves me anyway, but what about romantically? This is the area in which I struggle. After my last rejection, I was crushed. I've recently joined a dating site out of desperation to meet someone. Inside, I know I should be just concentrating on myself instead of trying to seek a relationship, but I don't seem to be able to actually practice that when it comes down to it. I need to fix my soul so that I can just be by myself and not care. But then again, isn't it human nature to want a significant other? It's not a natural tendency that's hard to dismiss or stop thinking about. It's freaking lonely. It really is. So I've joined this internet dating site, and all that happens is that I imagine the day we will need to have the "talk". The rejection, the humiliation. After the last rejection, I told myself I would stop trying to find a significant other. I know I need to love myself first, but I'm starting to wonder if I am actually incapable of loving myself. I have no idea what I need to do to stop hating myself, it feels like it will never go away. And then I seek validation from other people, making me feel even worse when I end up being rejected. I really don't see how this is going to get any better. I feel I am just going to be lonely and alone for the rest of my life. I don't even know anyone in real life who has herpes. It makes me feel so alone. I don't want to tell people in case they judge me or tell someone else, which means that I hardly get any support. I have been so depressed lately because of this. I just want to know how to make the depression and loneliness stop.

[caligirl12]

You will not be lonely for the rest of your life. You do need to love yourself before you can let anyone else love you. If you rush into a relationship now..before you accept it..you will never find someone who will accept it because they will feel about you the way you feel about you. When you accept you for who you are and exude positive things about your situation and how awesome you are they'll feel lame if they don't want to be with you. Work on yourself first...relationship comes second. You can make it all stop! Keep staying strong.

[Nigella]

Absolutely what caligirl said. Force yourself to spend time alone and do things on your own. Go see an exhibit at a museum. Go to a movie by yourself. Commit yourself to a new exercise routine or plan a fun trip somewhere - alone or with your best friend. Instead of wanting to date someone ELSE, pretend as though you're dating YOURSELF. I know some of these things sound absurd and unbearable bc you fear people will look at your and wonder what the heck you're doing all by yourself, but actually, when people see someone out doing something on their own they're impressed and curious. Take yourself out on a regular date night to your most mouth-watering spot. Europeans do this all the time! But it's odd in America. Get to feel comfortable by just hanging out with yourself. Take a book - or even an iPhone/iPad with this blog! - to read. People actually look on in impressed curiosity and think you must be one confident, interesting person when you do these things. And doing these things - DOING - taking action to have a relationship with yourself - turns out to not be odd at all. I've done it. And grown in the process. I think part of why I had a quicker turnaround to acceptance with HSV2 (*even though just today I've gotten my 2nd OB since the first mid June and have been on Valtrex since -ugh WTH!*) is because I DID have a relationship with myself first, for quite some time. I'm more used to being on my own than in a relationship with someone else to begin with. And I really encourage you to do it. Maybe you can't today or this week or even this month. But remember these suggestions and as soon as you feel as though you can, do it. Think of it as treating yourself!

 

Don't get me wrong. I share your worries. I am petrified of The Talk. And I may be way more emotional when it happens than I intend to. But it must happen. It is what it is. I'm not going to just not carry on with life because of What Ifs. That's silly, right?

 

You say to yourself that you're probably going to get rejected and be alone forever. If that's true (WHICH IT IS NOT) than you might as well go out and have a relationship with yourself, right?????? And if you do have a relationship with yourself and focus on making yourself happy doing whatever YOU want to do, then I guarantee you one day you'll forget all about this and realize, Whoa! I have been having so much fun, and I've met some great new people, - and maybe even!!! - I've fallen for this amazing person I met along my journey who loves me no matter what and even with my little H friend. THAT is why people say that H is a blessing in disguise.

 

I tend to feel a little bittersweet when people are always in one long-term relationship after the next, or get married before they're 25 or even 30! I think, "Aww. They never got a real chance to be on their own and find who they really, truly are." Maybe that's not the case across the board but the point is that I do think there is something truly important about being on your own and completely unattached and independent for some period of your life -- AND embracing it.

 

I'm glad/hopeful for people when they pour out the darkness and despair and it's captured somewhere in print forever...because I believe that there'll come a day when the light floods what that darkness once consumed, and show the author proof of the odds, despite the tests and tribulations they encountered. Remember where you pour out your pain, so you can go back and see how far you come.